Hi fellow Stepparents,
I have a bit of a radical idea. Tell me what you think. A little history first...
My SD9 has a snapchat (for family only) and I posted something just now to see her be the first one to look at it. Its 1130pm. I just can't with BM. She treats SD like her best friend, she really does. She doesn't treat her or talk to her the way a mother is supposed to.
I am feeling extra down today. I feel sorry for my SD13. She is with us for vacation and I’ve gotten used to only seeing her EOW. So I have put her issues out of my mind, gotten back to focusing on me and have been happier for it.
I think my disengagement is making progress and is finally getting easier to implement. I've always been one step ahead of SD16 and thought if DH would just listen to me then it could be worked out, but with me doing that I became too easy of a scapegoat which distracted away from her actual bad behavior and DH being able to ignore it. It never worked when I would pressure him to take action. Now I might bring something to his attention because I have to and because it's important, but after that I'm done with it. If DH chooses to talk to me about it I listen but don't add anything.
Ever since EX1 and EX2 and SD21 made their disagreement with us getting engaged be known, I've been on a mission: learning how to disengage from them and their drama and still hold onto my relationship. This sh*t is hard. We have broken up in the past due to this drama with them. FH has a tendency to run when it gets tough because that's all he's ever done. But he doesn't want to continue that behavior and he also doesn't want to let them dictate anything we do. He wants me by his side at every event, even if they don't like it.
How many of you who had your skid around when they were younger, but now only have them EOW or just holidays, feel a tinge of sadness when you see how much the child continues to grow into a mini version of BM?
I do. At least today I do.
I’m not really talking about PAS. I’m talking about that potential to be a self-confident, creative individual being snuffed out by BM’s unending influence.
My sd who went to live with her biohag is STILL verbally targeting me. She emails my dh, calling me YOUR WIFE, talking about how horrible I am etc etc. She is turning 18, she is the one who left our home and ran to bm's and is now working at mcdonalds having to help bm pay her bills. My dh tries not to show me these emails, but it's hard not to see it when he's in bed next to you going through his email. This girl, (even though she is now 18 i will use the word girl because she has the mentality of a 14 year old) from day 1 was a living nightmare.
Is 13 a little young to shop for bras at Victoria’s Secret?
BM takes SD13 there. She always dresses SD13 in “name brand” clothes. I understand wanting your child to have the best. I was treated to “name brand” clothes too when I was yoong. So I know it can be important to wear “the right thing” in middle school.
But no one sees your bra. And VS isn’t exactly a “body positive” place for the adolescent mind.
I'm unreasonable. I'm not fair. I'm always causing problems. I'm abusive. I hurt confidence and crush self-esteem. I only have negative things to say. I like to point out flaws and laugh at mistakes. I'm lazy and use all the money on myself. I brainwash my spouse and favor my own child.
Why not take it a bit further. What's an evil stepmom really like? At first it's difficult to imagine myself as mean stepmom because I'm not one, but luckily I have a very vivid imagination.
Went to counseling. With DH. Let DH lead. We were united.
I am shocked to say I felt counseling was worthwhile.
I do not believe SD13 is telling the counselor much beyond what her mother dearest has instructed her to say or carefully put into her head over months of manipulation. Nonetheless, I did get some tips on how to maintain my cool when dealing with a stone-faced adolescent who spies on me and craps on my kindness in a way that is so quiet, it can barely be addressed.