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Adult SD feels we are harassing her. Help!!

firmbutloving's picture

I was married for 23 years and had 4 daughters. My ex and I agreed on most of our parenting and they are all respectuful, responsible and appreciative of their upbringing and 3 have launched successfully on their own, our youngest BD is 23 and has just taken a break from school and has taken a full time job and lives with her Dad. I have been in a relationship for over 10 years and engage to my Fiancé for the past 6. HIs adult daughter 25 still lives with us. She left school close to 5 years ago and has had different jobs off an on since then.She finally took a full time position as an assistant store manger at the Mall. His parenting style is non existent. He has spoiled his daughter if she doesn't get what she wants she freaks out and plays the victim. She is estranged from her Mother who was not good to her while she was growing up. Her Dad tries to make up for it by giving in to her every whim. She is never satisfied, spoiled, and if I try to suggest he say NO , she will tell him to have me step back and stop harassing her. I have tried to have the 3 of us sit together to discuss expectations and he tells me he will talk to her and then nothing gets done. I am beyond frustrated and ready to give up on the relationship as I cannot stand by and watch her get everything she wants while I myself work 3 different jobs to pay for the majority of the bills while my BC have to make the sacrifices to be on their own and sometimes struggle while she lives under my roof, pays nothing because she says she can't afford it but gets her nails done twice a month, goes to the hair salon, goes to sports events, goes away with her friends, comes home with a bottle of wine almost every night not to mention supplying her weed addiction and is a shopaholic but freaked out on us when we asked her to contribute $200 towards room and board. She has a full time job, we still pay for her cell phone, and she was offered health benefits but refused them because it would cost her $100/mo and instead stayed on her Father's health care which cost him an extra $360 a month. I am feeling disrespected, unappreciated, being taken advantage of and a third wheel in my own home.  


Winterglow's picture

move out. Let him feel the pain of footing the bills all by himself. Seriously, three is one too many in a marriage. 

Winterglow's picture

Before moving out, make sure you tell him that things are going to change. You will no longer be paying most of the bills, you will be paying precisely 1/3 of the bills as you are only one of the three (adult) people living there and that those bills do not include his daughter's cell or her health benefits or anything else that is paid specifically for her. Let him work it out for himself.

How did it come about that you were landed with paying most of the bills?

firmbutloving's picture

It is my home.  They moved here and he didn't make as much money as I did and pays most of what he can toward the bills.  I am fine with that except for when he chooses to keep payinr his daughetrs health care and when I suggested he let her accept her own plan through her work his comment was, why so I can give it to you....


ndc's picture

Giving it to you seems more fair and equitable than giving it to his adult daughter. This guy seems to be a bit too entitled where you're concerned. I'd make him pay his share (and his daughter's) based on that comment alone. If he can't/won't, but can pay his daughter's expenses, I'd reconsider the relationship. Seems you're being used.

Kes's picture

My advice would be to call off the engagement for now, and seriously consider moving out. As Winterglow said, three is too many in a marriage and you have what we call a "mini-wife" situation in that your fiance's daughter is in this role with him and his first loyalty is not to you.   I can sympathise because my SD25 who has a serious work phobia in my opinion and still lives with NPD BM, is suffering from a severe case of failure to launch.  Really, at 25 they should have been out and living their own lives for 2/3 yrs.   Your fiance is colluding with SD's behaving like a massive obnoxious cuckoo in the nest, and if he does not wake up, I really think you would be better without him.

Aunt Agatha's picture

The pay from those three jobs could go a long way to making your life much more comfortable if you weren't supporting two other adults.

I'd certainly pull back to a 1/3 of the bills and start saving that money up in case I would need to make a quick exit.

It would also be worth it to talk to a lawyer if you co own the property with your SO.

Clearly, you have so much more to gain by dumping his a$$ than by staying.  It's time to remind him of that and start looking at a potential path forward if he can't figure out how to pull his head from his backside.

beebeel's picture

Is she the reason for the super long engagement? I would be ready to kick them both out.

sharlyns's picture

Yep! That's what I was afraid of with this little jerk.  But I  disengaged and told DH I m only paying my share! I started putting money away and towards my art.

Ny happiness was overlooked many times..I gave in many times....I gave up! I was getting sick Depression set in....then I realized I m not married to this fool...why do I  feel like both their mothers????

Stash some fun money for yourself! Or make a she shed for your own sanity!

You go girl! We gotcha!

tog redux's picture

Well, if she feels harassed, she can just move out! 

I think you need to have it out with your SO - time to decide on whether he wants to marry you or her.

Siemprematahari's picture

If SD feels harrassed.....she can get the f@ck out and ASAP!!! You have this free loader in your house and she's complaining about feeling harassed?

Yeah she can go kick rocks with that nonsense!

firmbutloving's picture

That is my exact thought.  Clearly no appreciation for all that we do and she cries to him she feels like such a loser for still living at home, so he feels bad and doensn't want to upset her, he believes she is trying to save up money to move out.  I call Bullshit!


Harry's picture

Open a saving account and save the rest.  Let them pay for themselves.  Unfortunately you may have to move out when SO bgetd upset that his DD can't live the life she she should have 

firmbutloving's picture

That is exactly how I feel.  Neither of them would be living the quality of life they are enjoying if I weren't footing most of the bill and neither of them acknowlege that.

firmbutloving's picture

I should have mentioned that they moved in with me. First he did.  She refused to move with him and stayed with her BGM. When the BGM had enough and told my SO he moved her to our home.  I was completely fine and had felt he should have made her come in the first place. She was  young (18-19 yrs old) and had no real adult supervision and was partying all the time which is why she ended up failing out of college, after he had taken out a $14K loan that he can't afford to pay back and she bitches at him that he ruined her credit yet she hasn't made one payment herself and expects him to pay it off.  That is another discussion I didn't win.

She is honestly really sweet and we get along long as things are going her way. So her Father is alway s trying to keep me from telling her how things should go and tells me he will take care of it.  I am the one who stalls now on getting married as I have all the assests and I can't stomach thinking they'd take me for everything if this went badly.


hereiam's picture

when I suggested he let her accept her own plan through her work his comment was, why so I can give it to you...

Um, yes, if he is not paying his fair share of the bills. Which, by the way, should be 2/3 as it stands, now.

She is 25, it's time for her to be out and on her own or they can both go. They both sound like users, to me.

tog redux's picture

Why are you paying all the bills for both of them? Does he not work?

It's your house and you have every right to ask her to move out.  At this point, you might have to legally evict her, but go ahead and start the process. What do you have to lose? A freeloading SO and his lazy adult offspring?

Winterglow's picture

You are absolutely right to stall the wedding. Frankly, she'd need to be out of the nest for me to even consider tying the knot and, to be honest, why would you want to get married at all? You hold all the cards ... at the moment.

I think that if I were in your situation, I would give her something to whine about. She should not be in your home, she should be out and flying free. However, she's never going to do that when she's got such a sweet deal in your home. It's time for her to find her own home. Make her life as uncomfortable for her as you can. Don't ask for rent and board, tell her she's going to pay it or she's out (and make sure it's on a par with the going rate - no more presents for her). Stop doing anything you might be doing for her right now - no more cooking, washing, etc. Let her feel the reality of the outside world and if your SO objects, well he can go with her. What bills does he cover, by the way? Utilities? Groceries?

Merry's picture

Your needs take priority over anybody else's wants. You just stop being willing to contribute to the situation. This is a grown adult with a job, and it's beyond time for her to live her independent life.

If you don't make changes, that girl will be with you forever.

I would not make this a negotiable situation with your SO--three adults live there, three adults contribute. If he isn't happy that the gravy train has reached its end, too bad. You are being badly used.

firmbutloving's picture

I was happy to start her with just $200 a month.  She flipped her shit.  Said she could only afford $100.  I was paying $100 back when I was 18, over 30 years ago making $9 and hour. She makes close to double that says she can't afford more than $100 and then runs off to her nail appointment.  Not even a joke and he doesn't see anything wrong with that and says it is not that she can't afford it that she feels we are trying to make her poor. 

hereiam's picture

More like she is trying to freeload. Twenty-five is plenty old enough to be living on her own as an adult and paying all of her own bills.

Dovina's picture

I would ask both to leave. Date if you need to, but do not keep on living with this man and do not marry him!!

Ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship. How is SO a good partner to you? Are you cherished, loved, cared for, does he have your back??? My guess is no to one or more of these questions. Life is too short to be wasted living like a second class citizen IN YOUR OWN HOME!

You deserve better. Let your SO and his mini wife set up their own nest WITHOUT you.

Best of luck !

Siemprematahari's picture

All is fair is this crazy! I'd take full advantage that this is MY HOME that they moved into. There are no ifs, ands or butts. A plan has to be set in place. Save X amount of money, get a place and move OUT by set date (entirely up to you). There will be no further discussions. You give no options, this is what it is and if she can't deal she can go back to GM or figure something else out because what she's doing now is taking advantage and playing victim which is a hell no.

She will NEVER leave YOUR home if this continues! She has no incentive to.

Focused_onourlife's picture

A house isn't big enough for two queens. I agree with everyone else, she has to go. If your SO doesn't like it he can leave too.

Mandy45's picture

Your house your rules anyone living there need to pay there way and pull there weight or they know where the door is. 

On sd pay day hold your hand out for whatever amount you think is fair. If she refuses to pay give her a week to move out. Or your changing the locks next time she leaves the house no one getting a key but you. 

If dh says anything about it tell him he more than welcome to go too because your not putting up with any freeloaders in your house no matter who they are. 


snazir's picture

It is unacceptable that SD doesn't contribute to the household but has money to do her nails. She is way too old to be living rent free. She needs to be on her own already. Stay firm in asking her to contribute or tell your SO that she needs to move on her own. You are not being unreasonable or a mean person. 

MicheleC's picture

His adult daughter needs to move out of your home and manage her own finances and herself. She is an ADULT  who is interfering with your marriage.