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Evil stepmom mode: ON

Kee-khe's picture

So with all the Covid-19 stuff going on, and my inability to leave my home lol, boredom has really struck me bad. I don't know how many of you guys' stepkids have their own rooms in your homes, well SD8 had hers here too. So here's the thing, DS is turning 7 months in about a week and DH and I decided that we wanted him to sleep in a separate room by the time he's 1. He's been really good at sleeping in his own crib and is very independent for his age. So due to all the boredom lol, I decided the "extra" room would no longer be kept as a shrine to DHs little princess any longer! CLEANED like never before (SD is messy asf) and desinfected the whole room and started decorating! My baby boy now gets to have his own little room and I could not be happier! Why should our son have to be kept from having his own space while a visitor gets her own room full of shit she doesn't even use or play with? No thank you! Lol anyway, just wanted to share the joy in my heart with the rest of you! 

It was about time I started taking MY home and life back! I've been going out of my way for DH and his kid for 5 years and only to be treated like shit! I'm an evil stepmom for standing up for myself and my son? Okay! I'll take it.. Wink

Comments

Kee-khe's picture

She hasn't come over since this whole virus thing happened. We've had a lot of issues over SD and BM so have decided DH will handle visitation out of the house. If or when she does come over, she can either sleep on the sofa bed or the inflatable mattress we keep for guests. 

Ursula's picture

Can I ask what th reason is for having visits out of the home?  That seems a little harsh for a 5 year old, but I'm sure there's a backstory I don't know.

Kee-khe's picture

She's 8 lol, almost 9. She's awful. I've disengaged completely and I don't plan to leave my home or be locked in a room with my baby, so DH can handle his business away from us.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Well, that's not exactly fair to your DH, either. You share the home. Unless SD is an actual danger to you and yours, then keeping her out of the house (outside the pandemic) is going too far. Your want for a husband doesn't trump SD's need for her parent, and with that comes access to a home. Unless your DH is going to rent a place for just him and SD (and eventually your son will be taken out on these excursions), you're overstepping.

Kee-khe's picture

I'm not overstepping. "It's not fair to DH." DH hasn't necessarily been fair to me or my child. Visitation is not occurring during the pandemic if that's what you're referring to. And even if it was happening during the pandemic, I'd be overstepping to not allow DH to bring his potentially infected kid into my home? Hmm...

lieutenant_dad's picture

That's why I said "outside the pandemic".

Your DH being an arse to you means you leave his arse. It doesn't mean you ban his child from his home. You don't get to protect your marriage at the expense of SD. Having them do visitation outside the house puts a bandaid on the bullet wound. The bullet wound being that your DH is worthless as a father and husband.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I wouldn't relish in being an evil SM. It's good that you're taking your life back, but have you asked yourself WHY you had to clean out a disgusting room, and WHY the room of a young kid got that messy, and WHY your DH didn't have a plan to make sure BOTH of his kids had enough space in the home he helps provide?

You have to be evil because your DH can't be a good parent or partner. Don't celebrate that; be displeased by that.

Kee-khe's picture

Of course I wish I didn't have to come to this point. I don't actually mean I am an evil person lol. I'm actually a fairly good person and will respect people, sometimes more than they deserve. I've always been very good with SD and DH. But yes you're right, the problem is DH, 100%. 

DH is the type of person that can do all the wrong in the world and still expect you to be there for them at the snap of their fingers, and the moment you're not , you suddenly become the most cruel person in the world. DH put me through a whole lot of shit during my pregnancy, made me feel second to him and his prior kid and simply didn't give a crap about the son we were having together. I was only 19 when I married him, so yes I was naive as hell. It took me a while to realize that I needed to value myself more and this is why I label myself as "evil" because that is how he views me ever since I decided to disengage and no longer allow him to treat me like shit.

Kee-khe's picture

Yes, lol I should have specified. 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment. Our lease is up in February 2021, and we are looking for a 3 bedroom home before then. So no, it's not permanent, SD will have her own room eventually. Just not now. 

advice.only2's picture

Be careful about that.  When we had SD EOW we had her sleeping on a fold out couch because we hadn't gotten a bed yet for her and BDs room.

When we got full custody and CPS got involved it came up about the fold out bed and we were told that was unacceptable and Spawn needed to be in a bedroom with a door that closes.  We explained we were in process of getting bunk beds and were waiting for them to be delivered, but that was still thrown in DHs face in court. 

Kee-khe's picture

When DH and I had just moved in together, I, with my own money, bought SD a bunk bed and fixed up her room. I did everything to make her feel at home. What happened? Little princess threw fits bc she wanted to sleep with "daddeee". She was 7, not sure how Normal that is, but it was cringe to me. I ended up selling the damn bunk bed because Nobody was using it and I needed the money to buy my son a crib that DH didn't care to buy. (I was pregnant) and little princess SD slept in an inflatable bed in the living room with DH. Yuck. So once the baby was born and DH grew a pair of balls, he had SD finally sleep in her own room on the inflatable bed. Perhaps now you'll see why I don't plan to make any more spaces for her little ungrateful self. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

She's ungrateful because she's 7 AND HER FATHER IS TEACHING HER TO BE UNGRATEFUL.

I'd consider putting my DH on the inflatable mattress if he is that much as an a-hole.

Ursula's picture

I think you're displacing your anger towards your SD.  It should be towards your husband.  A 7 year old is ungrateful because the parent allows it. 

Kee-khe's picture

I have no anger towards SD, I am fully aware that DH is the problem, trust me. Leaving him has been seriously considered. Unfortunately it's not as easy as I'd like it to be since we have an infant together and have built a business together. Me taking an extra room (used more as a storage than an actual room a kid uses)  and turning into a much needed nursery for my son, is to me, not a sign of hatred. It is using a sense of logic. As for DH getting to handle visitation out of my home once it resumes, there are plenty of reasons as to why I feel it is fair for me and well deserved. 

Ursula's picture

Okay.  I cannot imagine that forbidding visits with his daughter in his own home will work well in the long run.  But I hope it all works out for you.

Iamwoman's picture

I think it's just a last ditch effort to get her DH to be a parent.

About 7 years ago, I couldn't take the EOW visits anymore. My skids were enormously destructive and could not be trusted alone for an instant.

DH asked me if he should be "following them around all weekend," and I said absolutely yes for kids like that.

He said he would rather just take them camping on his weekends with them (he knew I love camping and thought this would make me envious, but it didn't). So I agreed.

He took them camping EOW for about two months (so 4x) before he couldn't take it anymore and actually decided to stay on top of his kids at our house. He said skids were making him actually hate camping, because (shocker) they were just as bad at the camping sites as they were at home!

Making DH take visitation outside the home was a wake up call to him, because he couldn't hide from or ignore or pretend bad behavior wasn't occurring. It forced him to wake up and discipline his kids.

missginger's picture

Before the virus how many nights was she sleeping over a month? if it is more then just a few I think its wrong to have done what you did. Your 7 month old won't remember where he is sleeping now and if you are moving in Feb it would only be for 10 more months. An 8 year old will be hurt by this, she will always remember it, and I see it as putting a nail in the coffin and ensuring you and she will never have a good relationship. 

And how can DH be fine with only seeing his daughter outside of the home? Having SD16 here gets on my nerves but it would break my heart to see DH not to be able to spend time with his daughter. (And grabbing McDonalds or whatever is not quality time).

Kee-khe's picture

She'd only come spend Saturday night here, and we always spend Sundays out of the house and she gets dropped off at 7pm. Literally she does nothing else here but sleep those Saturday evenings she comes. BM has full custody so visitation is not more than that because she chose that. DH will be handling visitation out of the house until he learns to respect me and teaches his kid manners and respect as well. It stresses me out to see her bad behavior and his lack of ability to parent her. Im a "teacher" by nature so I can't help but try to educate her but it's not my place and DH appreciates nothing. So I refuse to spend miserable Saturdays in my home thanks to them so he can figure it out .

hereiam's picture

I've been going out of my way for DH and his kid for 5 years

You are 21, correct? You have been with your DH since you were 16 (and your SD was 3)? Way to young to get involved in step life. How old is your husband?

 

Kee-khe's picture

Haha definitely way too young. I wish a million times I would have listened to friends and relatives that told me to think it through before getting involved with him...

This is why I advise any one just dating a man with kids and already having issues, to just run! Also, age definitely DOES matter. DH is 29. (Lol, save negative comments, I am fully aware on how bad that is..)

Iamwoman's picture

You were definitely taken advantage of. Sad

I am 13 years younger than DD17's HCBD. I was 23 when I had her and now I'm 40. I thought I was a grown up at 23, but at 40 looking back I realize how immature and utterly naive I was. HCBD was 36. At 36 years of age myself, I realized EXACTLY how much older he had been at the time he pursued me. It makes me sick to my stomach. When I was 36 I saw (and still do see) 22/23 year olds as babies... like not children of course, but not fully adult either... definitely not dating material.

Your DH was 26 when you met. The human brain finishes maturing at 25. He was a full fledged adult and knew exactly what he was doing.

He took advantage of you.

I'm sorry - I know you said no negative comments. It's just that I've been there / done that, and consider it my duty to try to help young girls/women avoid the pitfalls do an older man.

Kee-khe's picture

You're fine lol, I meant comments that would be openly insulting me for being dumb lol. 

Yes I am very aware of how naive I've been up till now. It sucks that it is too late . That and many other reasons there is a lot of resentment built up towards DH..

hereiam's picture

You are not dumb - this is not on you, but HIM. You were a young teen, he was a grown ass man.

beebeel's picture

Exactly this. He's a creep.

Best of luck, OP. I know it's hard. I left my loser abuser at age 23. He was 26 and I was 17 when we met. 

Survivingstephell's picture

I really don't understand all the criticism thrown around in this thread.  You took all the typical advice given around here for this situation and yet its still not good enough.  OP, you did what you had to do and put your own child first.  You embraced your "evil stepmom" title with a little sarcasm which I don't understand why people didn't pick up on that.  I did.  We really do need a sarcasm font online.  You also put limits on DH concerning visiting outside of the home which is appropriated for fathers who won't parent their crotch fruit and make visitation work in the home.  

I think the lockdown lifestyle is getting to people and jealousy is setting in for the stepparents who can't get away from their skids.  I am very grateful that my skids are aged out and this is not an issue anymore for me.  No judgement from me for you heeding the advice given on here regularly.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because, generally speaking, these aren't solutions to problems.

If her DH were a good father to BS and a good husband to OP, then these sorts of restrictions MIGHT work.

But he has shown himself to be piss-poor on all fronts, and the persons who will hurt most for it are SD and BS. OP has made the adult decision to stay with her DH. That comes with the adult consequence of not getting to make unilateral decisions about whether her husband's daughter can visit the home, especially when the daughter is not a threat to OP or her son.

The issue isn't SD, yet SD is the one who suffers the consequence. She is being sold the message that she is "bad" and that SM is "evil" when the reality is that SD is unparented and OP is taking the easy road to deal with the issue in her marriage.

This action doesn't come without future consequence. Hopefully her DH steps up, but the idea has already been placed in SD's mind that her SM doesn't like her, and that's going to lead to potential problems.

Good luck to OP, but this move isn't one to celebrate, even in sarcasm. It should scare her sh*tless that she has to go this far.

Kee-khe's picture

I'm doing nothing but "disengaging". To the fullest. I've seen plenty of posts where many Stepmoms are told to do so when DH is an asshole and stepkids are brats, but majority advise the stepmom to "leave the home" in order to keep their sanity. I've taken this step because it should not be me and my child to leave our home if SD is causing problems and DH doesn't stop it, it should be the problematic child and her disneyparent to remove themselves from the situation. At Least in my case, this is what I prefer. 

Before we moved in together, DH always handled visitation out of his "home" anyway (super small studio) and went out to parks and friends houses etc. Anyway, so this is nothing new to either of them.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then you and I will just have to agree to disagree. I don't see this as a long-term solution to your problem because it doesn't address the actual problem. You've been used since you were 16 by an adult who should know and act better. I hope this is a step towards realizing that you deserve better than him. 

anonymous1306's picture

I can totally relate! Im having the best time while this whole pandemic thing is going on! Her BM sent my partners child to us (as she constantly has a cough anyway) but i said i felt uncomfortable as if she developed a new cough you wouldn't know! We are meant to be having her this weekend but the doctor advised her BM to self isolate (but her cough was fine according to BM). Considering BM hates me and is an absolute psychopath, i don't trust her not to use her judgement and send her anyway as me and my daughter aren't anything to her and like she'd care if we were to get ill! It's got so bad that i'm tempted to fake symptoms before every weekend so ensure me and my daughter are kept safe! As he'll just have her anyway, so he can see her! 

Kee-khe's picture

Lol I wish these dad's and BMs would get their head out if their asses and stay home and use FaceTime or whatever. The longer they continue to exchange, the longer it'll take for this to go away..

anonymous1306's picture

I'm definitely at the stage of wanting to completely disengage! His daughter is the biggest brat going, and it would not be a problem if he accepted there was a problem and was actively trying to deal with it! However for a 3 year old she speaks to me like shit, telling me no and with such an attitude i can just tell she's gonna be an absolutely awful child as she grows up. We had her the last weekend where she was coughing literally every 10 minutes, if she throws an attitude, then she's tired. He wont accept that this is how she is and how him and the BM have made her by constantly making excuses for her disgusting behaviour. This is finally a time where I can get out of the weekends we're meant to have her, as being around her and in lockdown is intolerable. According to my partner she is a child that just 'needs to be out and about' when in actual fact he's just entertaining her rather than spending time with her. Somehow my 5 year old is managing just fine and being as good as gold especially while i'm still working (in terms of behaviour my daughter is perfect, however i can admit she has faults when necessary). Disney dad just doesn't see anything wrong and i feel like i've put in all the hard work (as a single parent too so that's not an excuse from the BM), yet i now have to deal with the shit from someone elses child whose mother hates me. Its so hard to remove yourself from seeing it as having 'her brat' for her so she can have a break.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Hey! Happy Friday! I get it, trust me I really do because SD when she has her own room would fill it with junk and I do mean literally trash just so she could " look" like she lived there when I cleaned her room before we moved I threw away sooooo much trash it was crazy. When we moved her and my BS8 shared a room and that was a huge mistake and since I was not at all ok with SD having her own room and our other 3 kids all sharing a room SD shares a room woth DD 9 months which she is forced to keep clean by DH only because she shares it with DD . Do you have a 2 bedroom home if you don't mind me asking . SD may feel like she is not welcome in the home and may behave even worse . Maybe she can have a little space of her own? I know how it is though but she will rebel. 

strugglingSM's picture

I feel you....we currently live in a four bedroom home and two of those bedrooms sit empty for all but 4 days a month when SSs are with us. One sits empty for all but 2 days a month, sometimes more because one SS has decided he doesn't want to come anymore. DH's family thinks I'm terrible that there is not more furniture or "stuff" in SSs room, but I'm not about to buy furniture that will sit unused. I already feel like I run a hotel...why make it worse by outfiting each room as if people actually lived there. 

DH and I want to move, closer to work, but if we did that, SSs would likely not have their own rooms and we'd surely hear about it. Doesn't mean it won't happen...and really, I would not be sad if SSs didn't want to come any more because they didn't have their own rooms. 

bananaseedo's picture

OMG, he's a predator.  My ex did this to me, I was 15 and he was 23 when we got involved.  We were off/on for some time, and I stupidly married him at age 21.  I got rid of my abuser when I was 29 after having two children with him, they were 2 1/2 and 4 when I got him out finally.  Biggest regret of my life.  These predators KNOW what they are doing by grooming young girls.  Guess what? He know moved back to his home country and is in horrific shape from MS and Parkinsons....Karma is a bitch!