So last night, my DH and I are in bed. He says to me that he, "is trying to make things work, but that no matter what he does, he seems to set me off". I calmly ask him, "When was I angry today? I was never angry today."
The fact is, I am a verbally abusive partner. The crap I have said to my DH is abhorrent. He has done the same back to me. Though is more quiet in his style of filleting me. I am proud of myself for being a fighter and standing up for myself, rather than sobbing in a corner. But as time goes on, I realize both fighting and sobbing each leave me feeling the same way--broken.
No matter how good it gets, I think I value freedom more than I value love. I truly despise that my young children and myself are constantly "linked" to my husbands grown son and his nearly graduated from high school daughter.
DH and I have decided to do marriage counseling. He admitted to me today that he does not love me anymore, but that he tries to. I think that is reasonable because of how often we argue. How can you love someone who is always sad and upset? But the thing is, I'm not always sad and upset. Every day I care for my two young children at home. We paint, sing, dance, read books. I teach them how to interact peacefully with one another despite misunderstanding. So why is it so hard for me to be "good" when it comes to my DH? Well, I guess because I feel lied to. I feel tangled up.
A few nights ago, my DH and I spent our date night visiting his friend from church. We went there and I enjoyed myself, sort of. Don't get me wrong. These are nice people, a nice family. His friend is nice to me, too. But these are people my DH has known for 15 years. I ended up feeling like a sidekick as usual in my DH's life.
I am considering leaving my DH. We finally did get married officially. I have dd18months and ds5 with my DH. He has SS24 and SD16 from a prior marriage. An inverse from my last post, SD16 now gets along well with me and SS24 is a big nightmare I just refuse to interact with. DH sees SS24 probably a few times a month and SD16 once a week. SS24 has called me awful names and insinuated I am a prositute many times verbally and through writing. Then he goes and tells whoever will listen how I am keeping him from his little brother and sister. I am not. He doesn't care about them.
I would like to report, after reading many of my old blog posts, that things have greatly improved in my home I am expecting my second child with DH. YoungAdultSS is polite and even enjoyable when he visits our home. TeenageSD is rarely here because she chooses to stay at her mom's instead. We don't force her to visit or fight her on it. We are simply welcoming when she is here. When SD is here, she remains mostly silent but does seem to enjoy DS and playing card games with DH. I enjoy making small talk with her even if she does not choose to share much with us.
Welp, I am young, smart and capable of independence. If I wasn't, my life as a stepmom might be easier to stomach.
Why do friends of my DH bring up SS18 in polite conversation? Dh, baby and I are out as a family. We run into dh’s friends. These people KNOW ss18 is hateful towards us, that he is a narcissist in training. At his mention, I want to throw back my head and say, “LITERALLY you could mention ANYTHING else under the sun and yet you choose to bring up something so painful and traumatic for us. Why why why why?”
Dh says these people are just trying to connect with him. He is right.
We were only supposed to have SD13 eow, christmas, and every other easter. No spring breaks. No fall breaks. And a week in summer. Dh and i agreed to it. Bm agreed to it. But that didn’t happen.
And when i ask dh why we took sd13 for fall break and why we will have her for spring break next year, his answer is that there was never a signed aggreement. And he wants more time with sd13 anyway, so he’s happy to take her for fall break.