She's an amazing kid BUT I CANNOT STAND HER!
My SD is sweet and loving and caring and optimistic. She has had behavioral issues (defacating and urinating on herself, lying, extreme attention-seeking behaviors), but I know that it stems from her parenting and I really don't blame her for it. I know logically that her birth is not her fault. I know rationally that she has done nothing wrong. Sure, she's snuck snacks and used my makeup and lied about it- that's annoying, but typical for a kid! She hasn't done anything that's atypical for an 8yo kid. Honestly compared to most kids she's truly amazing. As far as stepkids go I absolutely lucked out.
But.... I CANNOT STAND HER!!!!
Sometimes I just look at her sleeping and snarl my face up in disgust. I hate when she touches my things. I hate when she comes over. I hate the sound of her laugh. HER LAUGH, GUYS! Her laugh is joyful and free- her laugh is happiness incarnate. Yet, when I hear it I want to say the meanest thing in the world just to make her feel bad about herself. That's so awful. I don't mistreat her. I hug her, kiss her, cook for her, and while I do tend to keep my distance (findings "errands" to run when she comes over) I never, ever mistreat her. If she read this blog, she'd never believe her dear "bonus mommy" felt this way. And I feel SO guilty. I feel like I hate her. Dread her. Despise her. Loathe her existence. But she is beautiful and kind and smart(ish), and has done nothing but seek love and affection.
Something must be wrong with me. Something deep in my core. Am I resentful of her because I've repressed my own troubled childhood? Do I see the things I hate about myself in her? Am I secretly jealous of her mother? Am I insecure about my place with her father? Am I just a sick POS who gets off on imagining torture scenarios for an innocent little girl? Something is wrong with me. I would never harm her. I treat her well. But guys... in my heart of hearts I think I hate her.
I know details are missing (how we were introduced, relationship with parents, etc etc etc), but this is my first post and I really just needed to VENT!!!
I'll post more soon.