What does her dad do when she whines, cries & constantly demands attention?  If he just lets her do it because it's 'cute' and 'she's only 4', then he's 100% the problem.  It's really easy to misplace anger towards the kids with the annoying behaviours, but at 4 you really need to be looking at what the parents are allowing her to get away with. 

From the sounds of it, your SO is just sitting back & expecting you to find it as adorable as he does, which is never going to happen.  You need to take it up with HIM, and hold him accountable for the way she behaves. 

An outside person can help come up with rules.

This kid is 4, is she in pre-K?  If not, will she soon be?  How much time does her dad have with her. 

And of course, you should have some on on one time with your son, how old is he?

A kid is going to do what she is allowed to do.  Why would she behave if she doesn't have to?  For some insane reason, little girls being obnoxious and demanding has been branded as "sassy" and is all the rage.  Should you happen to conceive and give birth to a little girl, it is very likely that your DH will encourage this kind of behavior in your shared child despite your efforts to raise her differently if he finds it "cute."  I would strongly suggest that you have a very serious conversation about what you find acceptable parenting before you choose to have a child with him because you have the luxury of a perfect preview of what he thinks is normal.  It is easy to blame her behavior on BM but you just said yourself that he is allowing this.  Not what you want to hear, I know, and this conversation is likely going to include at least one instance of "you just hate my daughter."  But better to have it now than 4 years from now when he is laughing at your own daughter act like a little diva while you tear your hair out.

I have a lot of resentment and negative feelings toward my teenage SKIDS, but they are throwing adult-level crap my way.  I can honestly say, even when my SD16 threatened to hit me, I never once thought about striking her back.  The thought of having to do so in self-defense makes me ill.  Calling the cops and putting her out-of-control hiney in jail...well, that's another story.  Honestly though, if you are feeling "rage" and feeling like you actually want to "smack" a 4 year old...I highly recommend either walking away and/or seeking professional guidance.  

Just remember, if SHE sees you as family, then you are helping to shape whether this child will grow up believing 'family' is a safe, loving space or something much colder and hostile. Just my thoughts.  I wish you the best in this, I do.

Rage (rather than irritation) directed against a 4 yr old, along with the silent treatment, is not normal and not speaking to her is abusive.  Your post shocked me.    You really need to be separated from this young child for her own welfare, and should NOT be even considering having a baby with her father.  I strongly suggest you get therapy and find someone with no prior children. 

This is one of those posts that makes me crazy. You basically hate his kid, who will remain in his care for a minimum of 14 more years, rage about that for a paragraph and then at the end of your tirade, instead of telling us you're reconsidering the relationship, you tell us you're actively trying to get pregnant. WTF? You hate his child. Get out of the relationship for your sake and hers. Honestly, you sound a little unhinged and I'm hoping your whole post is a joke.

Your SO really should take a step back from trying to have kids with you.  This child is only 4.  Frankly, she is acting in a way that is normal for a 4 year old to act, especially if the kid is not being given any direction.  You need to tell your DH that you will no longer care for his child when he is not around.  Your silent treatment is not healthy.  You realize that your dislike of this child and your habit of ignoring her is probably playing into her constant need for attention.  

I feel bad for your SO.  He has no idea that you hate his kid so much.  Eventually your hatred of this little girl is going to come out.  Imagine how upset your SO is going to be when the truth comes out and you are pregnant.  Speaking as someone who has Skids and Bios, I could never be with someone that hate my kid and fantasizes about slapping one of them. I think you really need to take a step back and get some counseling. If you don't and this truth comes out, you might find yourself alone and raising a future child.

We can't tell you why you have an extreme, irrational reaction to a 4 year old. You will need a skilled therapist to help you find those answers. Best of luck to you and your mental health treatments.

I must say this was uncomfortable to read. Many of us are irritated by small children that aren't ours that come and stay at our house.  But not speaking to a 4 year old when alone with her and picturing smacking her in the face when she speaks is going a bit further than the realms of normal in my opinion.

This little girl most likely just wants to be your friend.

Please get therapy, or get out. 

I don’t think you HATE her. HATE is such an easy word to use to describe our feelings when we are mad or irritated at something or even someone. It sounds like you just have so much emotion and anger built up that you’re finally expressing it thru this post. Everyone handles things differently, everyone expresses their emotions differently. That is okay. Just don’t hit her, LOL.

I am a new “step parent” and I’m still learning. One thing that I have learned is that the parent whom you are with, needs to be held more accountable for THEIR child. She is still young and needs to be taught now. As far as her being annoying, its just how kids are. My SD12 is annoying as fuck but she’s a preteen who never shuts the fuck up. It is what it is. I ignore her sometimes because she is 12 and can definitely entertain herself. Myself and her father do not need to be talking and interacting with her every second that she is with us. But a 4 year old is a little different. If you are feeling overwhelmed then that’s when her dad needs to step in. I don’t think you’re ignoring her in the way you’re making it sound like in this post.

I think you really need to sit down with DH and have a conversation with him about how you feel. Probably hold back on the “I hate your daughter” segment because I don’t believe you do. But at least express how you’re feeling, communication is always key.  Also another thing was brought into perspective for  me recently is…. If he is like this with his kid now, how will he be with OUR kid? No one knows what goes on behind the scenes except you. If he’s enabling behaviors or not stepping up as a parent to his 4 year old kid, how do you really think its going to be when y’all have kids on your own? His daughter has some sort of jealousy issues, imagine bringing a baby into the picture. I only imagine she will get worse and if your DH isn’t doing anything about it now, then what?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you guys can work it. Who knows, I could be wrong and you really do hate her guts. If that’s the case, for your sake and theirs, get out!

In my opinion, 4 year olds have not learned to be manipulative.  They can be conditioned to act in certain ways, eg if they get their own way by whining, weeping, being loud, or whatever, they are going to continue doing it. But manipulative? no.  And this young child should not be called "disgusting" because she has toilet accidents from time to time.  Young children do. 

Reflecting on the OP, I feel that the person that wrote it, is behaving just as inappropriately in coming onto a forum for the first time and expressing such extreme and violent thoughts about a 4 yr old.  I normally welcome all new posters that post for the first time, but not doing that this time.  I was repulsed by the sentiments expressed about a young child who is little more than a baby.  If I knew the identity of the writer of these words, I would think seriously about reporting her to social services.  Tbh, I wonder if this post is just a wind up, I wouldn't be at all surprised. 

Yes, her dad needs to step up more, BUT you can also set your own boundaries. Young kids are annoying, period, I'm sorry, lol The things you mentioned are very normal for that age, so it's probaby unlikely that she's pathological and can't be "trained." I think all this anger and hate might stem from the fact that you feel helpless, like you're forced to take whatever's thrown at you and can't do anything about it. Try taking a more active role in creating the environment you want! It's not mean or abusive to tell the child to quiet her voice, sit down properly, to give you and your son some alone time - be firm, but not aggressive. I used to think I had to let my SD walk all over me bc it was important that she liked me or whatever. Pfft lol Nowadays, I have no problem setting guidelines. So she doesn't always get what she wants, but hey, that's an important lesson in life and you get over it. Kids will always test boundaries, and it's up to adults to set them. Even if your DH doesn't set them, YOU CAN, and he shouldn't get in your way if it's a reasonable request. Don't wait for things to get better. Kids will adapt to the rules you set. I rarely think about the progress in our relationship, and maybe I should more often, but SD used to always say "that's not how mom/dad does XYZ" and I'd feel very much like this third party who has to live under someone else's rules. Now, SD has gotten used to my ways, my routine, and I feel comfortable telling her to stop doing something inappropriate or asking her to do other things. Seriously, if you get ahead of some of the behaviors that annoy you, you'll stop feeling like you're constantly being assaulted, and you'll probably start to feel better about her. Good luck! 

I understand you are frustrated.... but how much hatred do you really have towards a 4 year old? 

I know the anger that SD can cause when they try and physically stop you from receiving affection from DH. My SD literally pulled her father away from me when he has tried to give me a hug or kiss

As deliberate as it seems.... it’s an unconsous reflex for them. It’s a reaction to a subconscious fear that they will lose their fathers affection. try reading the book STEPMONSTER by Wendesday Martin. It really helped me figure out why the little thinkgs SK do to try and drive a wedge between us and DHs and the pyscollogy behind thier actions. It helped make it a lot less hurtful and irrating things. That in turn let me shed some anger towards my SD.

Wetting her pants cause she won’t step away from watching videos.... limit her screen time. If her inability to recognize the need to use the bathroom is caused by watching videos.... then remove the cause of the issue.

Take a deep breath.... you sound like you are overwhelmed emotionally. I have been there. I don’t think you hate a 4 year old. You may hate what she reminds you of... but please remember she did not choose to be part of this family dynamic but you did.

The whole "but I thought we were family....she may be trying to manipulate you or it may be BM influncing that. Tell her that she will get her turn but right now its his turn. Just do it in a way that wont make her feel to rejected. Otherwise she will resnet you and figure out EXACTLY how to REALLY push your buttons to get even as time goes on.

figure out where your rage really comes from. Are you seeing in her your DH failures as  a parent? Are you seeing her BM? whats your relationship like with BM?

I know personally when I would get angry at my SD for the way she acted... and not acting badly, just little things like certin facial expressions, her general attitued.... it was not her I was resentful of, it was BM. My SD BM is a horrible excuse for a human being, turely believes rules dont apply to her and lies all the time. When I see my SD8 exhibiting behavior her BM has I would get so angry. But I had to step back and remeber there is a level of biology there....but I can absoultly let SD know what I will and will not except from her. She is still young enought to learn and be better than her BM. I know I seem to be rambling....I guess what I am trying to say is that what I have learned is that sometimes kids behave in annoying ways because they see adults behaving like that so they do it to. You cant control it all of the time, but you can make it clear that some of these behaviors will have consequences.

 As far as things she does that annoy you and piss you off... talk to DH about those things. If you feel like you can’t talk to him because he will be dismissive or resentful... should you tie yourself to him forever? Hopefully your DH will be respectful and be open to hearing you. You deserve that much.

Im sure you are a loving sweet person. But you are angry and most likely hurting. Address the cause of that and don’t take it out on someone that does not deserve it. In the meantime you should keep your distance from your SD, for her sake (she can pick up on your anger) and for your sak... you need a chance to step back and breath....in MYHO your SD is the focus of your rage, but is she really the cause?

Best of Luck.

skidz that were 1 and 4 when I met their Dad.  They scream everything they say.  They fight with each other CONSTANTLY.  They steal from my home and children.  They steal from their friends.  They lie.  They take my mail home to their Mom.  They tell her EVERYTHING!  The entire time this is happening I am the one doing the after school care, the driving, dealing with school issues, illnesses, etc.  my entire life has been these kids.  Have I ever resented it?  NO!!!!  They are CHILDREN!!!!  Any sacrifices I made or annoyance I have endured were MY fault and choice.  I CHOSE to marry their father, and he chose me.  They didn't choose either of us.  They didn't choose their Moms pedophile boyfriend.  I LOVE them.  I loved them as much as my own babies.  You should not be left alone with this little girl.  Half of what you hate her for is more like your own jealousy.  Clearly, your own child comes for just visits (I.e.  you don't have custody). Do NOT get pregnant and ruin another persons life.  You need to get out of your relationship.  Not for your or your husbands sake, but for that child's.  You are NOT StepMom material.  I have overdone and overstepped my place, and just this act has caused me to tell my own DH that I was sorry, but I was not the best interest of the kids.  I knew it a year ago.  I talk to them, cuddle them, play with them, but I confused my rightful place, and as a result set no healthy boundaries.  You need to be honest with yourself and with him and politely excuse yourself before we are reading about the StepMom who beat her 4 year old to death, and you are on death row.  Seriously, you have NO right to hate a small child.  Your jealousy is seriously messed up.  Get out, get sterilized, and get help.

I get the feelings your having. It’s easy to get annoyed by the things her dad finds adorable. I’ve struggled with some of the same feelings before. I think even though they are very negative and intense that you’re feelings a valid. I would really take a look at the situation before adding another kid to the mix. Your feelings might change or they might not but you need to prepare yourself for them not changing about her. Is it really something you want to live with for the rest of your life? Resentment can and does ruin relationships with your partner and with the kids involved.