SD19 and DH have discovered Venmo
SD whines for money and DH whines about the drive to get it to her, but not anymore. He gets paid to PayPal and has a PayPal debit card now. At some point he deposits what he's accumulated into our bank account to help pay the bills. Lately SD has been working with DH. So she then claims she can pay him back. When she works with him he gets the money for both their hours and then he pays her out of it.
Looking at our bank account activity which I don't do very often I notice that he's been using Venmo to pay her a $20 here, a $40 there, $200, $10, etc...there is only 1 deposit in the last 3 months from PayPal to our bank account and the majority of that went to requests for money from her. I dont see any amounts that would indicate what she would get paid for a day's work. He could also just give her the cash for that from the ATM using his PayPal debit card since she gets a ride from him every time she works with him.
Really makes me wonder how much cash is going her way. I'm not working just so he has more money to give her. I also noticed that one of the days he was harping on me about a purchase I made was the one of the days he sent her money. I saw his Venmo feed which has a place for comments on each transaction sent. Some of them things like "just because" "to make your dad more broke" "to quit bugging me".
DH is always lecturing about how we have to quit nickle and diming the bank account for things. Is him giving her all these little supposed loans the same thing? I brought this up to him too. He didn't have a reply. Few hours later he gets a call from SD. It had to be about money. She only calls him if she needs something. A few seconds after he answered he gets up and goes to the kitchen out of ear shot. I asked him later why he did that. He said he probably had to go spit, but when I walked in he was standing by the table.
He is lying to me and its really pissing me off.
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I would "unjoint" your
I would "unjoint" your finances... period. He will pay his half of your joint expenses.. and what he does with the rest of his disposable income is his business.. but if he isn't holding his end of the rope up.. then that is a problem and he should be called out on his venmo habit... he only gets to pay her(an adult).. if the household is square.
yep, separate. Venmo can be
yep, separate. Venmo can be a nasty little habit, its too easy to use. I have it but only use it once a month for a recurring payment. Seeing he is being a sneak, you can too with your money, just put it very far away from him.
I agree with ESMOD. Separate
I agree with ESMOD. Separate finances, and make sure the household expenses are paid FIRST. I'd have separated finances as soon as he lectured me on nickel and diming the bank account, though. A working adult should be able to make some minor purchases without getting grief about it if they make enough to pay for it.
Another vote for seperate
It really is best in these situations.
WE have separated accounts
As long as mortgage and bills and taxes covered - he can do what he wants with his own money. But he likes to give me lectures on my resale clothing habit.
That out of earshot thing
Is horrid. You know they are up to no good and are just trying to avoid criticism by mean old ogre SM (TM)
I think DH should also
Fund an entertainment account. With the normal monthly bills. Money for date nights, vacations, weekend getaway. If he can afford extra money for SD. There should be extra money for you
This is the exact reason DH and I separated finances. Different details, same dynamic. It has given me greater peace since I don't care how he spends his allowance.
I struggle with the yours/mine money position in a marriage.
For us, it all goes in the same accounts and the bills are paid out of those accounts. No doubt our situation as the CP household was much easier than being in the NCP household during the years under a CO.
For me, I would take the position that not one penny beyond CS or otherwise COd support would leave household/marital income in the direction of the X or Skids without prior discussion and agreement between the spouses. Let the X starve beyond what is COd.
Make sure he sends his
Make sure he sends his portion of bills off the top.
I would be absolutely furious that he gives in and sends her money all the time. You could try making a budget to show him how much money is going to her. He's always going to send her some money so it might be worthwhile for you to talk about some sort of allowance. He could send money once a month and then cap it there. Sending her little bits all the time is doing the exact opposite of teaching responsibility. If he ever wants her to be able to function on her own without somebody constantly helping her out she's going to have to learn how to manage her money without getting bailed out.
A friend of mine was
A friend of mine was complaining about his daughter always expecting him to send her money through Venmo. Recently she was in line to buy her books for college but had no money. So Dad needed to Venmo NOW. It's for SCHOOL, Daddddeeeee.
So I asked him what she just learned: #1, Dad is a sucker, and #2, she doesn't need to go to the trouble of planning time or money.
I also pointed out that just because she asked doesn't mean he had to provide, which would stop his frequent complaining about her behavior. I truly do not understand why parents have such a hard time with that "no" word when their children (including adult children) NEED to hear it.
I would be livid too.
Here you are being lectured regarding money yet he gives to SD funds. Must be nice huh?
I used to always say to my ex DH I shouldve been your DD NOT your wife. The DD gets treated better.
Blessings hun. You do realize if he is lying to you there is much more than you will ever know. If you are nickle and diming it then probably SD is mostly why. Daddio cannot say no to his pwecious, but his wife no problemo.
Thank you for all the comments.
They have helped me hold on to confidence I really need right now.