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Update to SD and DH Venmo

morrginme's picture

I added it up and in only 50 days he has sent her $645. (We live below the federal line of poverty.) I saw his messages they had back and forth with each other. She was asking for another $175 and another $200. Interestingly when he gave her the previous $200 on March 31 it coincides with a tweet she made that same say that said "shoes, booze, and tattoos living the tweet life".

I brought all this to DH's attention and he ....attempted to gaslight me. He said it was all wages she earned and I'm looking at it all wrong. Am I really? 

Then he started going on sarcastically about how I must be right cuz I'm always right. So I haven't been talking to him. I took off from the house for awhile. I'm making plans the beginning plans of separate bank accounts. We also happen to have an extra bedroom not being used. Later he calls out to me from another room asking me how long am I going to be like this? How do I answer a question like that?

I'm starting to have more sympathy for SD. I still will never let her be around me what so ever. I noticed it all along and it became more profound to me today seeing how all of DH's spoiling SD and helping SD is so selfish in the sense that it's actually all for himself. If he gets her to stop whining at him by giving her what she wants he's not thinking of how it will hurt her, but instead he is only thinking about how relieved he will be when she stops. Then he can feel even better about himself because she will reward him with kindness for a short time. It's all about making himself feel good regardless of the cost to others. She tries to make him feel guilty and it works. He doesn't like to feel guilty so he does what she wants and he can feel good about himself again. He is not willing to face the discomfort of telling her no. 

Something sad...I want to be able to say after years go by that all the struggles and obstacles we faced and we each went through were worth it for the wonderful relationship we have now. I want to be able to say it was all worth it and I would do it again if I had to. I can't say that though. I know if I had the chance to do it all over again...I would run the other way . I might take one small glance to look back, but it would be very brief.

I apologize if I'm sounding strange. I'm on an unpaid mental health leave of absence from work. I got diagnosed at the psychiatrist two days ago as being on the depressed end of a manic bipolar episode. Which makes me even madder at him for gaslighting me. Who does something like that to someone who is going through a mental health crisis?

Hope in my current state I didn't overshare. It's so akward when that happens.


Stepdrama2020's picture

I read this and I hurt for you. Your marriage is not good for your mental health. Your DH is abusive towards you. All of the secrets with SD plays on your mind like a broken record. Its like you cannot get away from it. Your DH knows how fragile you are, and he is using that to break you down. 

Do you have family or good friends nearby ? Somewhere to go and take a breather to gain your strength?

JRI's picture

I have a similar dynamic here.  DH84 does so much for SD60 that it keeps her from learning those things for herself.  And, she's 60yo!  Im guilty, too, and now keep myself from doing things when she hints.  Without exception, she eventually handles it herself.

ESMOD's picture

I'm going to be like this until you understand how F'ed up it is for you to be sending your daughter money she didn't earn while we are budgeting every nickel and dime!  

This is the LAST you will have access to any funds beyond those that are left after our joint bills are paid.  You WILL provide me with proof of any and all income you have earned.. and SHE has earned.. and show me the documentation where that was paid to her.

You are going to be treated like a child because you ACTED like one .  Maybe you didn't realize what it was all adding up to but this is innexcusable.

CLove's picture

YUP, an accounting must happen. When people work for fmaily businesses, this must still happen.

Winterglow's picture

I agree and I bet the IRS do too. You need proper accounts and proper payments. You don't jut shell out money left, right, and centre because "she earned it". You need to be able to trace thest things.

CLove's picture

YUP, an accounting must happen. When people work for fmaily businesses, this must still happen.

Shieldmaiden's picture

You sound like a nice person. You deserve better than this marriage, that doesn't seem to be good for you. I wish you the best on your new, separate life. I think things will really start to look brighter once you have regained some control over your finances. 

justmakingthebest's picture

If you are barely making ends meet he has no business giving money to another adult who is choosing to not do what she needs to cover her own life. 

I have no sympathy for people like your SD- Shoes, booze and Tattoos... that is just gross and trashy. 

I don't think this is divorce stuff but it is come to Jesus meeting time. Bring your budget to the kitchen table. SHOW him that there is not enough wiggle room in your lives to give out hundreds of dollars to SD or anyone else. That is would be different if she was working 2 jobs and came up short (after providing her bank statement to show she didn't have an excess of frivolous spending). But that isn't the case. He has to take care of his home first. His commitment and life is shared with you. No one else, that includes his ADULT daughter. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

You two are below the federal line of poverty.  You are on unpaid leave. He doesn't have any business giving SD $5, much less $645.

ESMOD's reply to him is spot on. If I was in that position, my response would include that I'm unable to have a conversation until I can discuss things calmly.

I'd like to give your not-so-D H a Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. *diablo*

And for you, darlin'... {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Your health is crucial. Please take care of yourself, first and foremost. 

Harry's picture

Telling DH that SD gets NO more money unless you say it's OK.  If you are in such bad shap. No money should be given out.  But of course there has to be something as you are leaving if this continues.  Unless you are ready to leave, You have no power over this