I guess lets start with the basics. I am a mother to 5 children, 20 (m), 17 (m), 11 (f), 9 (m), 8 (f), and my SO has a 15 yr old daughter. We are not married, but have been together for years. Her mother was an alcoholic and abusive, and his partner before myself has also been accused of being abusive. I say accused as I've never met the woman to allow for her version of the story, I have just lived with the reprecussions of that relationship (both in father and daughter).
I am the "cool aunt" and cousin. I've always adored kids and was a popular elementary school teacher. With this sense of myself, I met DH thinking I'd get along with his kids. They were teenagers when I met them. SS24 was always kind and polite even though he would never directly look or talk to me. SD26 had problems from day one and has not stopped. DH is not the easiest and has many narcissistic traits.. life at the beginning with them was depressing and lonely for me. I stayed in the bedroom and was gone most of the day. Anyway, now, miserable and pathetic SD and I don't speak.
I've been working on disengaging now for a couple weeks. Quick recap for those who haven't read or followed previous posts, my SD11 and SS9 have not taken well to me being in their lives. It's been over 6 years now and it hasn't gotten any easier. I tried being engaged for a long time as their BM is not around, but after constant rejection to the point where I am openly told by my SD that she wishes I wasn't around and leaves notes around about hating me and wanting me to die, and both of them being disrespectful on a regular basis, I decided to disengage.
Sooooo last night DH gets a text from biohag asking to pick up the kids 5 days early and have them all week and through the weekend because she has a headache and she's getting sick. Man oh man sick for an entire 7 days, I call BULLSHIT!
I've been married for 7 years and my role as stepmom was Christmas. Spring Break, and summer. The kids get along well with me. Until recently, the kids lived in another state with mom. She died suddenly several months ago and now they live with us. Stepdaughter, AR, is high school age and stepson, WG, is middle school. They both, especially AR, have founded and unfounded abandonment issues with dad. The divorce and following years were not generally friendly.
DH loves his DD15 and I love DH. He thinks she is wonderful in every way and I think we all feel that about about our own kids to an extent. I try to see her as he sees her. I seek out the positive traits in her and then hold onto them - sometimes desperately. She is very intelligent. She gets good grades and makes a natural leader. She is quick to defend those who are intellectually disadvantaged from being bullied. She is athletic and good at basketball. She supports her teammates and motivates them to do their best.
I don't know where to start. I have three stepchildren that I have known for 11 years. The two youngest 18SS and 17SD live with us. Their father and I have been married for two years. We bought a bigger house for them, everything my husband does is for THEM. He is like a ATM. The 18 year old doesnt work and getting him to get a job is like pulling teeth. The 17SD has gone from a sweet girl to the biggest hateful, brat on the planet. He whole personality changed during Christmas when her boyfriend broke up with her. Its because of her that I have issues.
So disenaging fro SDs has never been easy, I have a tendency to open my mouth and say things about them that gets DW upset with me, I do it less and less but still it occurs and I am left feeling like I did something wrong even tho I know I didn't (except open my mouth in the first place).
Any good articles and/or advice regarding disengaging? When to do it, and how?
Any input is much appreciated.