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Can't keep my Mouth Shut

Major Blunder's picture

So disenaging fro SDs has never been easy, I have a tendency to open my mouth and say things about them that gets DW upset with me, I do it less and less but still it occurs and I am left feeling like I did something wrong even tho I know I didn't (except open my mouth in the first place).

When I disengaged there was no discussion with DW (at the time I had no idea what I was doing had a name, it was later I learned about it from this site) so no actual boundaries were set up, no understandings exchanged basically I just stopped asking about or having anything to do with SDs ( still provide for SD 20 while she lives in my home ).

I made two comments yesterday first DW came home from a 1/2 day of work and went to get coffee in the kitchen I said " I don't know if there is enough for a cup SD 20 was just in there and got one and you know she never refills", no response, which is appropriate since the statement is true.  Second comment, we set off some fireworks in the yard last night, after cleaning up the debris I was walking back up to the house and grabbed the chair that DW had used to hold the baby and watch, there was a cement stone next to it from our fire ring that I knew SD 20 had been sitting on.  I carried the chair to the porch and DW said she meant to come back and get it, I said, " no problem you had to get the baby down but I didn't get the stone I assume that SD 20 had taken from the fire ring and used to sit on."  This time a response, " She can't ever do anything right, can she?"  I shoot back, " All I said was that I assumed it was her and am I wrong that she should have put it back?"  DW : "No you're not wrong."  Basically silence and coldness the rest of the night and leaves this morning without our usual good bye kiss for the day (message received).

So now I will go back into silent mode and not say anything about SD20, I could go full blast and say everything that I think but would just wind up in a massive fight, " She can't do anything right?", no she doesn't, basically she does nothing at all and if she does do something it's for DW and you would think that she just cured cancer.

I can't see at this point trying to explain disengaging to DW, I've been at it for a few years now so briging her in on it is kinda late in the game, plus she has no idea I come here and vent and talk with all of you, another fight would insue over that. She would probably make a screen name and find all the stuff I have written and be furious.

You would think I would have learned my lesson by now and kept my mouth shut, nope, just another Blunder to add to the list.



beebeel's picture

I also suffer from an ineffective filter. At least my DH agrees with me most of the time, but I still try to shove those statements back in my mouth before I make them lol. He knows his kids are turds. I dont have to keep reminding him. Smile

Merry's picture

I didn't make any announcement to my DH either. Just stopped asking, and change the subject pretty quickly when he talks about his kids. I don't even dislike his kids -- they are mostly respectful. I just don't engage in skid worship and don't really care about their opinions on what we should or should not be doing at any given time.

Made my relationship with the skids MUCH better. DH and I never argue about them anymore.

queensway's picture

Major sometimes just the slightest comment about my skids can throw my DH into a tizzy. Even if it is something he knows is true. I am the evil one for pointing it out. I find it hard to keep my big mouth shut when skids cause so much drama. If the drama was just in their life I wouldn't care. But when it comes into my home I struggle with not saying things. What I have learned is my DH will always have my skids back if I say something. So I try my best to disengage but sometimes I can not help myself. I understand how you feel.

Major Blunder's picture

It's good to know I'm not the only one who does this.  If I went on a tirate about all she doesn't do or how she treats me or doesn't treat me I could be more understanding but DW knows everything, she even has apologized several times for the ungrateful attitude I get from Skids. She knows that SD 20 does NOTHING but take from us and still she defends her, I just don't get it, like I have said before it must be the biological tie, only explanation that makes any sense.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Crikey, don't tell her about STalk! We'll demote you to Corporal! LOL

Seriously, though... you don't have to explain Disengaging to your DW. Simply tell her that, to avoid arguments or hurt feelings, you think it's best to take a biiiiiig step back from SD  - and that includes discussing her. DW does to get coffee from a mostly empty coffee pot? Say nothing. DW can see for herself how little coffee is in the pot and make it. If she asks you about it? Merely say something like, "Hmmm, there was 3/4 pot left after I got mine." and leave it at that.

Or you can go with your plan to say nothing. Do you think your DW will wonder why?

Major Blunder's picture

She knows all that SD20 does and doesn't do, I just wind up saying things because I can't seem to hold it in, like a valve that is ready to blow, venting here only seems to get me so far, I guess I feel the need to point out what a POS her kid is Unknw

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Oh, I understand. I'd love nothing more than to point out to DH that his daughter and stepdaughter are now mini BioHos and only care about him when they want something (money). However, me pointing it out will not change how they treat him or the fact that their contacting him has dropped significantly over the years.

Then again, he may realize it, but just does not want to say it out loud to me. Sad

CLove's picture

Wow, you have a more-than-full plate taking on eldest SD26 children. My heart goes out to those children, and to you and DW as well! I am currently watching Munchkin SD12 as she enters her pre-teen years as I have heard and read that they are aweful and I went through about 3 years of teen with eldest feral child, Winona SD19. She was 15 years old when I came into her life, so she was already pretty "set", and SO was not yet divorced, he and High Conflict Toxic Golden Uterus BM were stil "hanging out" and going places together while separated and living in separate places. Which I agree is very confusing for "poor little child of divorce". But I am hoping this child will be differet. The two SD that you have helped raise, well, they both has same quote parenting end quote, but also same genetic predispositions, like mine. All you can do is your best, and right now disengagement is your best.

I agree with above. Do not mention disengagement or Steptalk to DW. If she hasnt gottent it by now, this will make her feel blindsided, and under attack. Her children will always be her children. And it seems like they have always been put ahead of you and your relationship, perhaps in the beginning, but now that SD26 has gone on the downward spiral (I read your previous blogs where she was living with you at one time...) DW is somewhat seeing the "light".

Do the disengagement thing and do not mention SD20 as being "to blame" or anything, because DW is sensitive to that. When Feral Eldest is at all mentioned, I just go "hmmm", and leave it at that. I do not rehash the past, because then it will be "well shes gone now, so you can be happy". (she left on her own, no big blowout. She has chosen on her own to go no contact.) DW will ask, you go very non-committal, and use what is called "passive voice". It was done. It has happened. it is, it was, it will. No one has responsibility with passive voice (evil laugh), therefore no one can be blamed and you are free of being responsible for pointing fingers or blaming anyone fr anything. DW is responsible completely for how her children are acting and allow her to shoulder THAT on her own.

Major Blunder's picture

Thanks CLove I will definately work on my "passive voice", I like that.  I try not to respond at all when she is telling me something about SD20, like they changed her schedule at work without notifying her, hard to not look at her and ask " Do you really think I care??" I usually just say something like "Oh wow", "That's not nice", etc etc.