So disengaging definitely turned the tables. I've successfully emotionally (and mostly mentally) disengaged. I had an after-work event tonight & DH had the day off. I came home around 8pm and could tell DH was bummed. Now that he's not triangulated with me & SS18, it's just between the two of them. After a few minutes, DH started telling me about his anger after calling SS today & getting flack. At first I just listened, then started agreeing with DH, and then when I said I was glad DH is finally seeing this... he got mad at me.
It seems everyone is making a big deal out of the age difference, he is 34 years older than her, exactly twice her age. DH is almost 13 yrs older than me so I totally understand the draw of an older man. There's a level of maturity that men your own age don't have, they are (usually) more stable in most areas of their lives, and it seems like they actually want to be married rather than having to be when you're younger because that's what's expected. She has her own money and I'm sure he'll have a prenup so I wouldn't even hint that she's a gold digger.
So disenaging fro SDs has never been easy, I have a tendency to open my mouth and say things about them that gets DW upset with me, I do it less and less but still it occurs and I am left feeling like I did something wrong even tho I know I didn't (except open my mouth in the first place).
My DH and I put boundaries down only to have SD24 walk right over them with DH holding the door wide open. I don't want SD24 to hang out in our home while no one is going to be here during the day. I feel that there is no way to be respected not only by my DH but, also from the skids.....
DH and I had a conversation yesterday, which by the way, I knew was coming because SD will be coming "home" from University the beginning of May, and I KNEW that DH would be wanting to "test the waters" about her staying with us. During our convo, he says he feels like a crappy father because he has to tell SD20 she has to stay at a friends or MILs when she's home and he can't even have SS19 to the house to maybe go turkey hunting and spend a night or two. Poor DH, he has to meet his ADULT kids at restaraunts or MILs or what have you and talk to them on the phone or text them.
So a couple weeks ago I was so upset the day DH and I had to leave on a big business trip because YSD had chased a feral cat into our crawlspace and then into the walls. I won't rehash the whole story but here's the link: