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Going to lose my mind

Angelnites's picture

My husband's mother is in the hospital, she isn't going to make it. So SD 27 is flying down, of course I have to pick her up. She can't stand me, she ruined my wedding photos when me and her dad got married.  I got not one picture of me and him beside each other. I know how this is going to go, just like it has for the past 15 years. She is going to cling to him like she is married to him, I am going to be pushed out the way. Her mother actually called my husband her ex and told him, now she is really having a hard time you are going to have to hold her like a baby when she cries and breaks down. Ok it's going to be hard for everyone but come on she is 27 years old hold her like a baby. This isn't about her, its about his mother. God help me through this weekend. Of course we will have to buy her food the whole time she is here, always have. She has never took us out. She expects her dad to do everything. Like she says it's her dad money but when in fact we both work and our money goes into a joint account. I don't know if I can do this. I told my husband to just go with his daughter I will stay home. But he wants me there, I don't know why when he is just going to allow her to push me to the side. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Pick her up from the airport and be stern with her. "Your father needs you to be strong! You are losing a grandma but he is losing his mother. Be a supporter and not a drain on his emotions."

She would probably flip... then you can leave her at the airport... maybe she will go home? I am trying here for you! 

Siemprematahari's picture

Why do you have to pick her up? She's 27 years old, she can rent a car or take an Uber/Lyft. I get you're in a difficult situation and your MIL is in the hospital but I would not subject myself to that BS. Also, I wouldn't dish out any of my money on her. Allow your H to do that. If she wants to cry and fall apart like a  baby let H deal with it and console her. You dont have to have any parts of it. Ignore her, she's irrelevant and not a factor.....remember that. You're not being petty, this is about not entertaining grown @ss woman that you absolutely have no time for.

In my opinion you are being too nice by picking her ungrateful disrespectful @ss up. It wouldn't be be.

Angelnites's picture

She is flying here but then we have to drive 3 hours to the hospital. So of course her dad paid for her hotel room too. I am trying not to start any issues for him but I can see them coming. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Its not about starting any "issues" with him. The "issue" here is your H and his dysfunctional relationship with his daughter. If there are any issues its because he's making it that way. Why doesn't he pick her up? Again, there is always Uber.

Angelnites's picture

He said he has to work but he hasn't worked in over 2 weeks because of his moms illness. I think I am gonna tell him he hasn't worked this long he can pick her up. 

MoominMama's picture

These are the worst times when families dont see eye to eye or you have a step situation etc. Ageing parents, illness, deaths, weddings and births. Can't avoid them but theyre hard to get through.

I agree, why should you pick her up? She can get a taxi, bus or whatever if there is no one else. Make yourself too busy for it.

Angelnites's picture

I think that if I start getting pushed out of the way by her and he allows it, I am just gonna walk away and let them have at it. I will go downstairs at the hospital or back to the hotel. I don't have the energy for her. It's been 3 weeks back and forth with working and seeing his mom. I will just say my goodbyes to her. 

Major Blunder's picture

Show stealing, center of attention, emotionally draining, yup sounds familiar. Best I can do is offer up prayers for your whole family and my sincere condolences.

tog redux's picture

Let her mother pick her up at the airport and hold her like a baby all the way to the hospital.

You are awfully accommodating for a guy who won't even kiss you on the lips anymore.

Angelnites's picture

Her mom and her live up North. He mom is the one that told my H you have to hold her like a baby. I just shook my head. We only see her maybe 3 times a year but when she comes, it's all about her. She told me one day I don't need a invite to come here. smh. 

Angelnites's picture

And yeah you are right, I am to nice. When I tell him how she treats me he says your just jealous of my daughter.  I said jealous of what she is 27 living her her moms basement 

Angelnites's picture

I ask myself that all the time. I have tried to leave and he is like no it will change it changes about 2 weeks then back to the same old. 

Cover1W's picture

That's what a legal separation is for - to actually begin the process and it will give him time to 'change' before a divorce proceeding is started/finalized.  If he's done it once, gone back on his word to keep you, he'll keep doing it until you are serious.  There's several women here who have been through this recently and are better off for it.

notasm3's picture

Are you close to your MIL?  If so go early before stepturd arrives so you can have quality time with your MIL before the aholes show up. Say your goodbyes to her and then either go back to the hotel or back to your home.   Let your DH and his rotten spawn navigate what they need to do without you. 

If you are not close and feel like you have said your goodbye to her then just stay home and let them do what they will.  Do what you feel that you need to do with respect to his mother. Eff him and his spawn. 

Angelnites's picture

I feel like I have said goodbye but he is like I need you there with me. I just told him she rides with him up I will drive myself by myself 

Disillusioned's picture

Don't pick her up at the airport, and if your DH insists on ignoring you and treating you like a second-class citizen when your SD is around, just don't spend time with them

Go say your goodbye's to your MIL on your own, and leave your DH and SD all to themselves..treat yourself to a nice spa day instead!

elkclan's picture

My suggestion to you is to support your husband. You don't have to take any overtly rude behaviour, but a death in the family is not the time to stand on "principle" except the principle of love. 

Maybe your husband doesn't want to be away from the hospital for 3 hours. Do him a favour and pick up SD. 

When I arrived for my grandfather's death - having travelled from London to Tennessee, I had no idea if he was dead or alive, who was going to collect me (pre cell phone days) or if indeed anyone would collect me or how I would get from the airport in a city to the small town where he lived. I was grateful that my cousin collected me at the airport and left me at an aunt's. She told me my grandfather was already dead. 

It isn't just about his grief. Her grief matters, too. As does yours, if you were close to her. 

My SF got jealous or weirded out or something when my grandfather died. He complained about our choice in music at the funeral.... saying "Why Glen Miller?" making fun of it. Making fun of a song that my brother wanted. We had to explain that my grandfather loved Glen Miller when he'd been younger and dancing to Big Band. My mother asked me to deliver the eulogy. I did. It was freaking hard. I think I did a pretty good job, but if I hadn't, well I wasn't going to get that moment back. My SF critcised my eulogy delivery (not the content!) at a family dinner and didn't take the hint when I asked him to stop. He continued and said I spoke so fast it was like a machine gun ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat - I was distraught, both at his behaviour and the thought that maybe I screwed it up? (It probably wasn't my BEST performance but hey, I got laughs and other emotional responses, so obviously people understood me!)  It was more important for him to score points off me than to be supportive. Now, I probably wasn't as mindful of his grief as maybe I should have been, they had become close, but he seemed upset that I had a history going back longer than his. My grandfather had been like a dad to me after my parents split and was always there for me and even more so for my brother. It was a massive loss. I didn't need SF's bullshit at that point. And the memory of his pettiness is still strong - even though he's been dead for a few years and even though for the most part we got on. 

I don't know when you got married, but if you're still upset about wedding photos 10, 15 years on - NOW is the time to let that go. Nurture that grievance later on if you want to pick that up again and be mad at the teenage girl again if you want to. But right now your husband's mother is dying and your SD's grandmother is dying. Both of them will likely behave in selfish ways in the coming days, but you can either choose to add to the trouble or take away from it. 

Nurture yourself, too - because all of this is going to suck. Say your goodbyes in a way that's meaningful to you. Reach out to friends. Have some fun. Stay as far away from SD as you reasonably can. But go get her from the airport. 

 

tog redux's picture

I agree it's not time to air grievances, but nor is she obliged to pick up SD just to "support" a man who doesn't seem to care much about her feelings.  Personally, I wouldn't be with DH if he told me more than once that my feelings about his kid were because I was "jealous".  And if I did stay, I'd find a way to meet my own needs, since clearly, this man doesn't care much about hers.  I'd arrange for someone else to pick up SD, even if it meant I paid a Lyft driver $200 and took it out of our joint account.  There is being supportive and there is being an endlessly supportive doormat.

Angelnites's picture

I understand what you are saying, I am trying very hard to be supportive to my husband I try to hug him when he breaks down and cries he just half hugs me back. I will pick her up from the airport for him. He isn't at the hospital right now, the hospital is like a 3 hour drive from us. He told me last night we will take both cars there, she will ride with him. He knows how I feel about driving alone by myself for that long. I always tend to get sleepy,  but I will drive myself there because I don't want to be around her.  Then he said I could come home Sunday and she and him will stay. Kinda like he only wants me there for when they make the decision to stop all care for her and that's it. As far as the wedding it was 2 years ago and she was a grown woman when she did that. Yes her dad and I have been together for 15 years but only married 2. 

Siemprematahari's picture

You can be supportive of your H and still stand your ground and respect yourself enough to not be around his daughter. I'm all for supporting him but when is he going to start supporting you? You are doing your part and you are not obligated to do a damn thing for no one if you don't choose to.

Angelnites's picture

Update on all of this. I went and supported my husband, I stood by him and hugged him when he cried. Drove us back home where then he ignored me. Didn't ask me if I was ok or nothing. Me going off of 3 hours of sleep got up and went into work. Where he then texted me asking what time I would be home because his daughter has to be back at the airport. I flipped and said I would not take her back to the airport . His response I need you with me to take her. NO YOU DON'T I AM NOT A TAXI you take your own daughter there. Sorry I lost it, I couldn't deal with it any longer. I told him I am done, I know this was not the best time to do this but I can't deal with it anymore.