I just wanted a minute.
Lately my SD10 has been super clingy with SO. To the point where I don't really want to be around her because I know she's trying to compete with me for SO's attention. Every time I open my mouth to talk to SO when SD is here, she suddenly pops up in the room (unless we're in our bedroom) and wants to be a part of our conversation. She inserts herself wherever she sees fit and my SO doesn't seem to mind/notice. SO and I have tried telling her to stop interrupting, etc. but she does it anyway because she never gets in any real trouble for being intrusive.
We had her Friday-Sunday, and now she's back from tonight (Monday) until Thursday evening. I'm already over it.
This weekend was full of attention seeking moments, but Saturday after dinner SO, SD, and I were all trying to pick something to watch that night. When I mentioned I might not want to watch SO's choice SD said, "That's fine. Let's watch it without her dad. Daisy can watch it some other time by herself." My SO didn't hear her because he was in the kitchen and he's hard of hearing. I told SD, "You know, dad was just trying to include me and that's not very nice to say." She didn't say anything. She just went back to looking at her phone. Finally, we picked a movie. Before we settled in, SO and I were in the kitchen grabbing some drinks, or something, and I saw SD was sitting in SO's spot on the couch. I thought it was odd, but I wasn't about to say anything. We're all very "assigned seat" people, lol. I saw SO look at the couch with SD on it, then look at the chair SD usually sits in, and could tell he was deciding what to do. He wasn't about to make me sit in the chair, so he sat there. SD said, "Oh, you're not going to sit next to me?" SO said, "No. I'm good here." I took my spot on the couch but not before noticing SD pouting.
You know, I try to give them ample time alone but now I'm starting to think that's doing more harm than good. We moved in together at the beginning of the summer so I know it's not going to be sunshine and rainbows right now, but jeeeeze. I have been spending MAYBE one night a week, when SD is here with them. We usually just have dinner and watch a tv show together. Nothing crazy.
Then, tonight, I didn't even come out when BM dropped off SD. I was busy watching a show I like and catching up. I came out of our TV room later in the evening to talk to SO about some stuff we have going on tomorrow and update him on my day while SD was finishing getting ready for bed. She saw me out in the dining room with SO and said, "Dad! I'm ready!" as I was telling SO about an important doctor's appointment I had today. SO gave her the "just a second" hand gesture and SD decided to ignore that and bring out her laundry basket in a passive aggressive way of saying, "I need my clothes washed." So, as I'm telling my SO about something important, he sees her doing this out of the corner of his eye and breaks our conversation to tell SD he doesn't want her clothes out here. They should be in her room... and then he disappears into her room where I hear SD start talking about which book they should read from tonight. I was PISSED. I said, "Ok. Guess we're done talking," and before SO could give me whatever his excuse was, I was back in my room with the door closed.
I'm just tired of being the third wheel when SD is here. It feels like I'm the extra who doesn't belong these days and SD is making sure I know it. I think the hardest part is trying to get my SO to see what a turd his kid is being. What an evergreen statement, huh? It feels like anything I say or do with SO goes in one ear and out the other. So I'm just disengaging for a while. I can't be dealing with all this right now. I'm still trying to grieve the unexpected loss of my cat and process all that. My doctor's appointment today was a big deal and the person I was supposed to talk about it with was too distracted by his 10 year old daughter, that he had just spent the entire evening with, to give me a second of his time to talk about it. Man. I hate it here, right now.
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Comments
Minispouse Alert
Very sorry to hear about the loss of your fur baby.
Minispouse syndrome is ALL too common particularly when there is an HCBM in the picture stoking the flames of loyalty bond/ conflict. Your DH looking the other way and in some cases ENJOYING the mini spouse attention is not helping.
Does she try to walk in to your bedroom without knocking? Perhaps conducting a search through your things/ using your things without permission (from you...daaadddieeees may wink at the minispouse helping themselves to your stuff).
Says she can't sleep in her bedroom/ demands to cosleep with daaaaadddeeeyy? Physically get between you and DH? Follow DH around the house to the point of joining him in the bathroom? Assume baby talk/ high pitched "cutsieness?" Feign helplessness by refusing to do age appropriate tasks? Instead, demanding that daaaaddeeeeey do it FOR her?
Response/Update
I think what I have on my hands is Minispouse Lite. She doesn't do ALL of the minispouse things, and she doesn't do them consistently (like we could have several good weeks and then all of a sudden it's an issue again) but she does it enough where I'm starting to realize this is going to be a huge problem if we don't deal with it now. Since we moved in together she's done a good job at respecting my space and not going into our bedroom. Even my SO doesn't allow her in there. Now, that's not to say she hasn't gone in there without either one of us knowing. I'm sure she has.
Luckily BM isn't high conflict and says positive things about SO and myself to SD (we do the same for BM). I do think SD prefers BM because there's no one to compete with there as BM doesn't have a partner. SD has BM's undivided attention at all times. At our house I'm there, though just barely these days. SD does physically get between us, she follows SO around the house, feign's helplessness... all those things. No baby talk or insisting on cosleeping. She did try to push the cosleeping once since we moved in and that was after she had her tonsils out. SO gave her a hard no when it came to that, lol.
This morning SO said, "I'm sorry I walked away from you last night. I was frustrated with SD and her behavior last night. I should have stayed and finished our conversation." I told him I was frustrated with SD too and we talked about the interrupting and how it's now boardering on disrespectful because she only does it when I am speaking. SO said he noticed that as well and said we should try to work on it with her. You know, for being an a$$hole sometimes, SO isn't hopeless. I know he takes this seriously and he doesn't want it to continue. I also mentioned to him that I know most of it is for attention (he agreed) and said I know it's hard when someone comes in after it's just been you and your parent for so long. I'm also a child of divorce and both my parents had partners in and out of our houses. My mom has been married 4 times. My dad only once after my mom, but he had a lot of long term girlfriends. I try to be mindful of that shift and how hard it can be. That being said, I let SO know I won't stand for disrespect in our home and he needs to actually parent his kid. It can't be me doing all the leg work because, well, she's not my kiddo. I love her and want great things for her, but it's not my job to parent her in that way. He has to do that. Especially when it comes to me and our relationship. She won't respect me/us unless he sets that standard. So, I guess we'll see what happens.
I think it's good that your
I think it's good that your SO came to you on his own and apologized. That means he really does think there's a problem. Now you need to maintain your consistency. Talk about it with him, come up with re-direction for your SD with SO and make sure he understands HE has to be the one to do so; re-direct or a firm "no, you will wait until daisy and I finish our conversation."
My DH did not ever have re-direction or "no" answers for OSD. She was like yours, not a full-blown mini-wife but she wanted things done her way on her time and have DH when she wanted. If she interrupted us and DH let her, then immediately our conversation was over and I either stopped or walked away are would NOT continue it, esp. if OSD was around. No, apparently you were done with our conversation DH. For the couch issue, I would always sit on the chair instead (as OSD got older and smellier due to hygiene issues this was no joke) if it was something I wanted to watch. If I did not want to watch it, I opted out - No thank you, I don't want to watch it but you and OSD go ahead. I'll go read or something. I will not be forced to watch a movie or something I will not enjoy. Over time, this eventually worked and DH got tired of my being MIA when OSD was around.
So discuss with your SO when she's not there. I think he may be reformed.
I think I'd have loudly
I think I'd have loudly cleared my throat and said "DH, I hadn't finished and it was important." Make him come back out and finish your conversation.
Maybe also point out how much of a turn-off it is when he treats his princess like your equal and/or dumps you like a hot brick.
Lol, good call. I should have
Lol, good call. I should have been more vocal about it.
Oh lord, yes. Nothing is more unsexy than when he treats SD like that. I can almost feel the "ick switch" flip on every time.
Please tell him exactly that,
Please tell him exactly that, it might motivate him to make a bigger effort if he thought that his lover was losing interest in him ...
Agree with others
No romance when mini spouse is vying for attention and certainly not when Daaadddyyyy is giving in.
When she wanders in, interrupts and dad falls for it, suddenly find something else to do and develop a splitting headache that evening. When she tries to gets involved in adult conversations, steer her to kiddy stuff.
"SD, you shouldn't interrupt adult conversations but you're welcome to watch [insert show for 10 yr olds] on tv until we've finished talking."
Be prepared for daddykins to go on the defensive. My now PASed out 3 skids (ferals) were taught zero manners and had no rules at the BM's (The Girhippo) house. They were also told by the Girhippo that I was trying to take them away from their dad.
The youngest one was the worst and would always interrupt at the age of soon to be 7. SO (Chef) would give in every time and would ask "What do you want now, son?" He literally hesitated because he had nothing to say he just wanted to interrupt us and stop me from talking. He then paused then sputtered out "I saw a squirrel." I kid you not!
Then there were the evil smirks and attempts to get me in "trouble" with Chef (false accusations, etc)
Word of advice: Never be on your own with her because it is your word against hers and you know who wins that game.
If she's there, dad should be there too. But he should be parenting not dating his kid.
When my sd’s re-initiated contact with their dad after
Disappearing and cutting off all contact for 5.5 yrs, they were 13 & 23. Every meeting or family weddings and engagements, both sd's were glued to my husband.
we had 2 toddlers age 2.5 & 1 in a stroller and they would walk side by side with my husband and i was expected to wall behind
i always had baby stuff in my hand and would tell hubby to stop so i could put it in the stroller basket and then walked side by side with my husband.
Those girls retreated immediately behind becauee they don't have the balls. But every meet or event was the same routine happening that i told hubby it made him extremely unattractive as its not appealing to me to see his daughters like that on him.
it took him another 1 plus years to finally tell off eldest sd her place is his daughter, not wife, not the mother of our 2 kids and she needed to remember the pecking order of priority. She sulked but my husband knew he had to address this
I have one SS who was like
I have one SS who was like this. We were all watching a movie once and DH was the last to join. There were two couches and SS was on one and I was on the other. DH came in last and sat next to me and SS (10 at the time got up from his seat and sat on DH's lap. DH got annoyed and said, "what are you doing?!" and pushed him off. Any time DH would give me a hug, the kid would try to jump in and get a hug from DH. Any time DH and I were having a conversation the kid would try to listen in. DH used to joke about it, but never really said anything to the kid. I find him creepy, so I avoid him. Now, he is nearing 17 and tries to compete for attention with DD2. Anytime DH goes off to put DD down for a nap or put her to bed, SS has something he must urgently talk to DH about. DH has yelled at him about this, because he's trying to get DD to sleep (and also because DH likes spending that time with DD). As an example, DH was putting DD down for a nap and SS walked over and knocked on the door and said, "dad, dad...can I go outside?" He's almost 17 and we've never told him he needed to ask permission to go outside.
I should feel bad for the kid that he feels so insecure, but when he's not attention-seeking, he is mostly ignoring DH (he doesn't respond to calls or texts and mostly sits in his room, even when DH is in the houes watching a movie or some sports event), so it just feels weird and creepy. Also, he was going to a counselor, but BM stopped that, so it's not like he'll ever work through his issues.
And I agree that it's annoying that I can't get even a moment of time with my husband to talk about anything when Skids are here, because one is always trying to listen in. I'm not asking him to shower me with attention when SKids are around, but I am asking him to still be my husband...in the same way that his is still my husband when our child is around. Interestingly enough, he complains that I don't give him enough attention, because I'm always paying attention to our toddler...
We would be at my husbands childhood family home
Our 2 kids were sleeping and sd's knew this, my husband would come into our bedroom, eldest sd who was almost 24 was banging like crazy screaming daddy daaaddddyyyyyy daaaaadddddddy at 7am knowing full well we had a sleeping 1 & 2.5 yr old inside.
she needed attention on her. Its not rocket science when bedroom door is closed, its privacy expected. Unless you have a life or death emergency, you can wait for your dad to come out. We were having sex early morning and sd (almost 24) banged and screamed like crazy all because she wanted daddy to open car door to give a gift of something to her aunt when she could have gotten it later. It was all to interrupt our private space and time
trust me it killed our intimacy and I didn't want sex with my husband. I made it clear to him he needed to address this immediately that it was not on and that as of that moment onwards, there would not be any sd's going on our holidays. I knew hubby wouldn't always have the balls to say stop screaming and banging on our bedroom door, we have 2 young kids sleeping and its very rude.
Sd's always found every opportunity to disrespect me and our kids, disrespect our privacy and boundaries and were proud of it. I made it clear i would not tolerate this anymore. Its been 4 plus yrs since i have met or had any contact with any of them.
my husband has made it clear to my skids that their choice to burn any bridges of a relationship over petty crap means they will not come on holidays to my country of birth because nobody wants their trip ruined by them and be made to feel unwelcome in their own home.
they made their choice, they need to sleep in it so every yr when me hubby and our 2 little kids are in australia or on a holiday overseas, skids stay in their country, they don't come along because they have shown how disrespectful and petty they are.
ss has come a long way and knows his sisters are brainwashed and under control of bio mum and barely has a relationship with them. Its all fake and not how siblings should be with one another and my husband has told him that if he chooses to pull the same crap nonsense his sisters pull, when it's religious holidays etc and hubby has flown to be with us as he works o/seas, well ss won't come because of his attitude and behaviour. He can stay overseas and reality is, his sisters won't even meet him.
ss has started waking up that being lonely like that is not a happy place to be and started making improvements and our 2 kids know he's their brother but has a different mum. Sd's however, my kids do not acknowledge them as their half sisters. In fact my kids know their mum is batshit crazy and sd's do biomums dirty work then hypocritically play victim
WOW so many things about your
WOW so many things about your psot make me sooo happy I am past this stage!!!! SD was like this (but not to this extreme) when we first were married. The first 2 years were HELL!!! But now its all inthe past. Sd is 18 and is 100% not a mini-wife. We even joked the other day about how DH has always had a problem with beng to clingy to SD. Not the other way around.
A few things jumped out at me - 1. She should be doing her own laundry. 2. DH should NOT be reading a book to her before bedtime. 3. If she tries to sit in DH's or your spot she needs to be told to move. We established at the very beginning that the couch was for DH and me and SD could sit in one of the 2 chairs we have.
Emotional incest is
Emotional incest is disgusting. Why put up with it from your mate?
Start calling SD "Daughter Wife" to DH's face. Whether Daughter Wife is present or not.
Keep rubbing his nose in his emotionally incestuous relationshiip with his Daughter Wife until stench of their emotionally incestuous crap permiates his apparently few functioning brain cells.
Remind him of who his wife is ... and more forcefully, who isn't his wife.
smh
I don't think your DH is a
I don't think your DH is a terrible case, seems he's open to guidance, but I get how hard that stage is...I had one of the worst cases during ages 10-14....her and i had a horrible relationship...now she's closer to me then either of her parents (21). Several things determine whether there is long-term success, that's how willing your DH is to deal with things you point out, how willing you are to navigate those hard years, and call out what you need to when it happens, that means calling the child out to for what is and isn't acceptable. I never was the type to be quiet or retreat in defeat.
You and SO
Set up some ground rules when SD is there. Be fair about it somebody picks TV program today someone else picks TV programs tomorrow. You get to watch a program what important to you. You may need a sign seats in the living room watching TV. Yiu must take control of the house.
This is not a intact family, SD needs to be love, respected, but she is the child. You are the adult. You pay the bills. Even in the every day week work world there is a Boss. In charge. It's not group decisions on what people do. Same in a family