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SD10 can't find anything because she doesn't look.

daisydiamond82's picture

Submitted by daisydiamond82 on Mon, 10/03/2022 - 3:21pm

Why are kids so lazy? Like seriously? Anyone else have stepkids who are lazy as hell? (If we were all in a room together I think I'd see almost everyone's hands shoot up.)

I just came here to vent about my SD10. Her latest thing is to not actually look for something and instead say, "Daddy, where's my ____?" I pointed it out to my SO last week and he said he noticed it too and he's tired of it... AND YET... He's the one I catch going, "Well, let's look for it," and coming to the rescue in these circumstances. This morning SD was getting ready for school and I heard her ask SO where her hairbrush was. I cleaned her bathroom this weekend and moved the hairbrush off the counter and put it in the cabinet (where it belongs). I don't usually say anything but this morning I was already annoyed with her and said, "Did you actually look in your bathroom? It's in your cabinet." I know I told her where it was and maybe that defeats the purpose, but I don't care. In my opinion, kids don't always learn by us being nice and sweet. Sometimes they need to know what they're doing is irritating. Just like any human. I mean, would you tolerate that behavior from a coworker? (I wouldn't.) I know this is just kid stuff but it doesn't make it any less annoying.

So, anyway, she went off to brush her hair and I noticed she was on her phone while she was getting ready this morning. Something SO stated he wanted her to stop doing after the incident where she took her phone in the shower with her to watch YouTube videos and then asked us why her phone wouldn't charge. I said to SO, "So much for her not being on her phone while she gets ready," and he said, "Oh sh**. I'll talk to her about it once she's out of the bathroom." Yeah, ok. You do that. SD was grounded from her phone for the past couple weeks (due to the shower incident) and has just started gaining back her phone privileges. Which is basically SO trusting her blindly to monitor her own screen time. Lol. I can't. 

We have her for one more night and then tomorrow, after her soccer game, she'll go back to BM's and be gone for almost an entire week. I can't wait. SD and BM are horse people and they have a horse show to go to out of state. Hope they have a blast. SO and I have a concert we're going to this weekend and are really looking forward to. I'm trying to focus on that for the next couple days. 

 

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Mon, 10/03/2022 - 5:03pm

Your new answer needs to be I don't know.  Consistency is key and she will revolt to this new life lesson but it needs to be uncomfortable to miss place things.  She might even miss out on something to drive the point home.  Think of it this way:  SD has trained you to think for her.    Not your job to do that! 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 10/03/2022 - 5:21pm

Yes this. Let your DH deal with it. It's difficult at first but well worth it, esp. if you have no authority to actually teach anything.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Mon, 10/03/2022 - 5:55pm

Your response to SD should be either "I don't know" or "ask your dad". He will eventually get tired of "helping" her look and tell her to go look for it herself. Well.... that worked with mine. Lol

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Mon, 10/03/2022 - 9:27pm

Sounds familiar.  My sd16 does this when she gets up at 1pm and whines that she can't find any food. The fridge is stuffed but does she open it? No! So I put out all the food she eats this weekend, on the counter. Freezer waffles, white bread, bagels.... No whining! 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 2:57am

And DH is letting her do it. "The Talk " is a game, she is not listening to DH and DH is doing nothing to enforce anything. He's is Playing Disney daddddy.  
First SD goes to bed in her room. If she can not sleep she stays in her bed in her room.  Not traveling around the house. You can not make her sleep but you can make her stay quietly in her room 

There has to be a bed time, a shower time, a clean up the house after herself time. Getting thing ready for school time. So at a set time some quiet time be for bed. she does what she has do and get to bed at bed time. 
Her not looking for anything, but asking for help is a thing to control you or DH.  She need some father/ daughter time. There should be fathers / daughter time in your weekly schedule. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 7:06am

What your SD is doing is not unusual at all.. misplacing items.. being scatterbrained.  BUT.. if she is bailed out each time when she misplaces things she develops a learned helplessness... and sure.. it's always easier to ask than to do work to look yourself. 

Like with the hairbrush.. I'm not sure if she knows where the proper location is or not.. but I think it's fine to tell her to go look in the bathroom.. not go look for her.  

As far as the phone in the shower.. that was not sensible.. but she is 10.. and phones these days are supposedly waterproof.. so a live and learn situation.Consequences... and losing a privilege can drive that lesson home.. I'm not sure if it warrants her not being able to use the phone when doing NON risky things.. like brushing her hair.. but if that is dad's rule.. so she doesn't dawdle in the morning.. then he needs to enforce it.. and  he should supervise.  

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 8:13am

My father's nickname (as an adult) was "where's my?" in our local dialect. I wonder why ...

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 9:28am

It's actually a CONTROL move.   Feign helplessness so someone ELSE will do it FOR them.  Turns into LEARNED HELPLESSNESS.

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 12:42pm

All of my kids did this.  So I started enforcing a penalty.  It changed each time.  "Mom I can't find my hairbrush!".  If I come and find it for you it's going to cost you a dollar.  I can't find my book.  "If I come and find it for you it's going to cost you 30 minutes of screen time".  Or sometimes just "If I come into that bathroom and it's in there I"m going to be very irritated with you".   Pretty quickly they learned to give it a GOOD look.  But before they were late for school or something else important they'd cave and ask for help.

It teaches them to look, and it teaches them to get organized.  Now on the other hand, if they're legitimately looking, and they pop their head into the room to say "Have you seen my keys anywhere? I've check my desk and coat pocket and can't spot them".  I'm more inclined to help and say "Yup, I saw them on the kitchen counter from where you put the groceries down".  Which results in a THANKS and off they go.  I'm dreadful at losing things.  I've gotten better as an adult, but I lost my keys weekly in my 20s, despite it making me nuts that I had done so again!  So as long as they're genuinely trying, I'll help.

Badger1986's picture

Submitted by Badger1986 on Tue, 10/04/2022 - 6:48pm

I've seen this a lot with my ss. My wife always finds it but I just say, "it's your responsibility." He never loses things when she's out of town because he knows I won't go look. I have another rule that if anything is left at home and I drive out of the neighborhood, I will not go back and get it. They don't look because someone will help them find it. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 10/05/2022 - 11:04am

My SS could not take a multiple element instruction, even into his mid teens.

So, I instructed him to complete something then come get me and show me that it was done. Suddenly, no more "I forgot", no more blank stare, etc..

Cut to the chase.  Single task instructions.