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saruhhh_04's picture

Any good articles and/or advice regarding disengaging? When to do it, and how?

Any input is much appreciated.




Harry's picture

you do nothing, no cooking, no rides, no lunch, no money  no going anywhere with you, no party no vacation, no going to family events.  Any question or problem, Thak it up with BP.  You keep this up until you get what you want,  respect, cleaning, ect.  Then you ease up a little, if thing stay the same, you ease more.  If they go back to old ways,  more disengaging.

Evil3's picture

I found the following statement on a disengaging site: The absolute hardest challenge you will ever face as a stepparent is giving up the need to change your stepkids into your idea of what you think they should or could be.

That's what I had to let go of. I could see the imminent train wrecks my SKs already were and were turning out to be as adults. I had to accept that my SKs just aren't being parented properly and they will not turn out well. Oh well. Not my problem. I had to repeat, "not my kid, not my problem," to myself hundreds of times a day.

Also, I was sorely disappointed when I disengaged and my DH did not step-up. Whenever I read articles about disengagement, they'll say something about disengagement forcing the Disney dad to step up his parenting. Don't set yourself up for severe disappointment if your partner does not step up. My DH is the epitomy of conflic-avoidant and scared sh*tless of losing his kids. For YEARS, I thought if only DH would see the SKs for who and what they really were, he couldn't not do something about them. Every time they did something that I thought was heinous, DH would go through a depressive episode rather than address the SKs. I was stunned every time, because I'd think, "oh, they've really done it now. There's no how, no way that DH can't not do something this time." Well, sure enough, he'd find a way to not say something. He'd rather go through depressions than to address the kids. One time, he went through a two-year major depression rather than address something that SDstb29 did. I couldn't bloody believe it. I think that's when I knew that DH will never, in a million years, address the kids as a result of "seeing them for who and what they really were." It's just not going to happen. If you disengage, do it for you. Do it for your own liberation and to take yourself out of the line of fire. Sit back and enjoy the karma if you must, but don't hold out hope for your DH to parent your SKs. Enjoy your new-found time, freedom and money when you see what you've freed up as a result of disengaging.