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And the craziness continues

saruhhh_04's picture

SO's son will be starting kindergarten next month. I guess BM received the list of school supplies needed, and asked SO to purchase everything on the list. He told her he couldn't buy everything, but he would split it 50/50 with her. Well, she did not like this response because she then sent a three page rant to SO. To sum it all up, she basically said: "NO, I'll just buy everything on my own. Just like I buy everything else...the house for him, food, clothes, daycare, health insurance, the after school program...." and it continued. This was clearly meant to get a rise out of SO, and he knew she wanted him to argue back. So instead of stooping to her level, he just responded with "ok". She continued to try to get a rise out of him and when he wouldn't give in she replied, "you are something else".

Let me clear up her accusation from above. She doesn't buy everything for their son. SO splits the cost of daycare with her 50/50, he pays her for a sitter if he is unable to watch him during the work week. He also buys clothes that actually fit their son (since BM will keep dressing SS the same size...even if it's too small/tight, until SO or his mother spends hundreds of dollars on a new wardrobe for him). He also supplies him with food while SS is at our place, as well as medications for when he is ill. He also went out of his way to buy ALL of SS's bedroom supplies when he finally got his own bedroom a few months ago. As for the health insurance...SS is only on BM's because she won't allow SO to claim him on his insurance. I never understood that until now because SO has surprisingly great insurance. I really believe she doesn't allow things like that just so she has something to hold over SO's head whenever she wants to/can't get her way with him.

Oh, and let me not forget to mention the fact that SO and his mother have both given BM $100+ dollars on several occasions because she spent her money on "other things" and was short on her rent. And they have never asked her to pay them back, not once! But of course, none of that matters to her. They are just money machines and designated babysitters when it is convenient for her.

Seriously, how can someone be such a pain in the butt??!

Comments

hereiam's picture

I'm glad your SO did not take the bait. That is the only way to deal with people like this.

She wants to pretend she's a martyr so that your SO will feel guilty and give in and pay, just to prove her wrong. Well, he doesn't have to prove her wrong, he already knows that he pays his share to support his son. So, since she said she will just buy all of the school supplies herself (instead of 50/50), that's what she gets to do.

Just have to let her shoot herself in the foot every.single.time.

Disneyfan's picture

Does he pay CS? 

If BM were to go to court, he could be on the hook for CS, child care and health insurance.  

Your SO really  has a sweet deal right now.

SMto2's picture

Unless they have 50/50 custody and make roughly the same amount, just paying 1/2 the costs of daycare, buying some clothes and having him and his mother give BM "100+ dollars on several occasions" is not a whole lot of contribution. (FWIW, any $ to BM from DH's mom doesn't count at all towards your SO's obligation in my book, nor does providing FOOD during SO's own visitation time.)  If SO only has EOW visitation, he's clearly not contributing enough, since he's not giving BM money monthly for the SK's housing, food, etc. for 95% of their time. If they have 50/50 and make about the same, then I see his point. However, my DH had EOW visitation with my 2 SSs and made slightly more than BM when their CO was entered. He paid $1200 per month of CS, plus health insurance, plus 60% what health insurance did not cover. We also paid for all food and entertainment for the SSs when they were visiting, took them on vacation, voluntarily took them shopping for all school supplies, bought them tons of clothes and never kept track of any money that DH's family gifted SSs. (I'm not aware of DH's family paying money directly to BM in our case.) So, whether what your SO contributes is fair depends on the circumstances, and I don't know enough about it to comment based on the information you've provided.

hereiam's picture

If BM is concerned that your SO does NOT pay his share, why is she not going for child support? And, if your SO needs/wants to get paternity established, BM does not have to play nice, the state can make her oblige.

I think I remember this situation, now. Your SO keeps blowing smoke up your ass about establishing paternity, correct?

Perhaps they both think that this kid is not your SO's but BM has a good thing going, getting money from your SO, and your SO is now attached to this kid. Maybe neither wants the truth known.

I think paternity needs to be established. pronto.

saruhhh_04's picture

That is correct. After some of my past posts and everyone's encouragement, I finally sat down with SO about establishing paternity and getting his rights established, no matter what that would entail on his end (CS, paying for the previous 5 years if needed, etc.) and I think that discussion got him off of his butt and starting to take steps towards acheiving that.

I honestly have questioned that. I mean if you were to base it solely on appearances, SS resembles SO. BUT I know that is not a reliable assessment by any means. It was recently brought to my attention that during SO's relationship with BM (before she was pregnant), she was cheating on him with other men...and once SO discovered this and went to end the relationship, she told him she was pregnant. So that is making me wonder if you are correct, and both question if SO's the father or not...I'm hesitant to mention this to my SO.

 

SMto2's picture

SO has been working on proving paternity to then get some form of rights established...BM isn't playing nicely though.

This comment was posted by the OP while I was typing my response above. Having seen this, I have to say it makes no sense to me. I'm now sure how "SO has been working on proving paternity" and how "BM isn't playing nicely," as this sounds like something someone says who's NOT working on it at all. If he wants to establish paternity, I don't think BM has to "play nice," does she?? All he needs to do is file something with the court. Of course, assuming he's found to be the father, then he'd have a REAL CO and REAL financial obligations.

saruhhh_04's picture

That is simply what I was told. He tries to keep most of the BM-drama to himself, because of how stressed out I can get from it. Although I do still hear a few things from him and SS about BM. But I am only able to mention what I hear...

Disneyfan's picture

He could walk into a courthouse any day and get the ball rolling on paternity.   Hell, he could purchase a kit and do the test on his own.  He could also forego the test(dumb) and get the ball rolling on CS/custody/visitation at any time.

BOTH parents are dragging their feet on this because they BOTH benefit from the current arrangement.

saruhhh_04's picture

I can definitely see where you are coming from. They both do benefit from the current set-up. As I said above, I do wonder if it's a fear of finding out that SS isn't SO's...so he definitely needs the a paternity test.

I love dogs's picture

When you bring it up to him again, don't insinuate that SS can possibly not be his. Just tell him that it will put him a step ahead in court because he isn't on the birth certificate and it will be required. And I can't stress enough to you how necessary it is to get him into court! My hubby farted around for over 2 years and BM got everything she wanted because she painted the picture of him abandoning SD even though he left because of her cheating and BM kept SD away from him when she was playing games which was almost all the time.

saruhhh_04's picture

It is really nice to hear someone experienced what I am experiencing with this. I try my best to make sure that he continues with this process, but I can only do so much. In the end, this is his decision.  He can either continue on this same path and be at BM's mercy, or he can take all of the steps necessary to help make his life somewhat easier.

SteppedOut's picture

But in putting himself at her mercy he is also putting YOU at her mercy.... if infact you are planning on continuing to be a part of his life. 

Do you want to be at her mercy?

saruhhh_04's picture

Not at all. I don't want anything to do with her. Thankfully, that feeling is mutual since she doesn't want anything to do with me.

The.Sane.One's picture

As a stepmom veteran let me be real blunt. If your husband actually wanted to be this child's father he would be going balls to the wall to get a DNA test done. He hasn't bothered in 5 years. He isn't all that invested in being a Dad to this kid. I can't recommend enough that you stay out of it. If he keeps procrastinating he will have his butt handed to him in court if he is even the actual father of this kid.