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Sometimes I wonder if SD is a narcissist

morrginme's picture

DH loves his DD15 and I love DH. He thinks she is wonderful in every way and I think we all feel that about about our own kids to an extent. I try to see her as he sees her. I seek out the positive traits in her and then hold onto them - sometimes desperately. She is very intelligent. She gets good grades and makes a natural leader. She is quick to defend those who are intellectually disadvantaged from being bullied. She is athletic and good at basketball. She supports her teammates and motivates them to do their best. She likes to be involved in many school activities and looks for opportunities to participate. She's also a hardworker when she wants to be. 

On the other hand...

She is very bossy telling everyone what to do like she is in charge regardless of everyone's experience and age. She yells at family members and her friends. She takes things that don't belong to her. She sometimes steals from people besides family members. She doesn't replace what she ruins or breaks. She gets some sort of weird pleasure from seeing other people get in trouble, make a mistake, or get scared. She motivates her teammates with positive encouragement after she realized that yelling and getting angry at them wasn't working. She gets extreme jealousy if anyone anywhere gets more attention than her. She starts rumors. She lies even when it's not needed and it makes no sense to lie. She is mean to younger children and animals. She breaks things when she is angry and believes she is justified in doing it. Actually she believes she is justified in all bad behavior she displays and when she treats people poorly. If she ever apologizes it's very insincere or she was told to do it. She doesn't feel remorse. She is rude to her teachers and tries to get others to side with her against them through lies. The reason she acts protective towards the mentally disabled is because she thinks they are cute I think.

I didn't list the things she does just to family. I only included things I had seen being done to others as well as us. What she does to family is a list on it's own. It just seems like she is a blackhole. No attention, money, compliments, material items, friends, family, love, or anything else is ever enough for her. She is never satisfied and never happy unless it's at the expense of someone else and even then it's only temporary satisfaction. There are times when she seems kind and caring but those times are so few and far between. Maybe I need to just admit to myself that I don't like her, find a way to deal with it, and maybe find a relief from the constant emotional turmoil. I think I'm exhausted from hanging on to the likeable things about her the last ten years.


Survivingstephell's picture

If you really want to understand this topic, Google Dr. George Simon.  He has a website and has written a few really good books on this.  I've learned a lot from his books and it helped immensely with BM.  

elkclan's picture

I'm pretty sure my mom is a narc, there are many charming and likeable things about her, but I try to limit contact and protect myself - and so long as we keep things focused on activies she enjoys - and there are many that she likes that I also like - things are good. I married a crap dude and moved an ocean away to get away from her and it took me decades to realise that my needs matter, too.  She is utterly selfish and controlling, but she has good qualities too. 

My mother is more self-controlled than your SD, but she is also more than 50 years older than she is. I can remember my mom's fits of rage when she was still in her 20s and breaking things including my things, etc. She only apologises if she feels it doesn't diminish her in some way - shallow apologies. At least your SD has learned that some behaviours won't wash, it took my mother much longer to realise that and she developed a weird persecution complex about just about everyone around her, when basically they were just tired of her selfish crap. 

So I know what's like to have to have a relationship with a narc. I wouldn't be surprised if your DH can't see it - I sure wouldn't want to see it if it were my son (though of course I do look! - my son is lazy and bossy and probably ADD, but no real sign of narc)

All I can say is good luck and try to keep as much as you can on the shallow side as well. Narcs are often really charming people, and when they have natural good qualities too they can be very fun to be around - as long as things are going their way. I'm not saying give in now, but as she grows to adulthood, enjoy the good bits and protect yourself from the bad bits. Anyway, it's how I cope! 

Maxwell09's picture

There are some great interviews with Dr Ramani Durvasula on YouTube. Type in Narcissist and many will pop up. I only watch the ones of Drs and licensed professionals and steer away from home-edit videos as those are more opinion based than professional, researched descriptors. 

MoominMama's picture

Yes it sounds like some boxes on the narc scale could be ticked there. Stealing is a common one, they feel entitled because they believe they are above all recrimination and have no empathy. We have BM who I think is a narc for sure, her behaviour ticks all the boxes and not just to us, to her own family, her brats etc.  SS18 is showing signs of being one too, but a covert narc.

Sadly I also think that my mother is a narc. I have a double whammy going on. My mother has no empathy at all, the things she does and says are outrageous at times. Talking about a relative who just lost their husband she related it all to herself, everything is about HER. When I was going through a difficult and messy divorce and lost my home she started shouting about how terrible it was for HER, how she had stress from it. It didn't affect her at all. I never have and never will go to her for any sympathy. I have learned from a child that she doesnt have that in her.

Triangulation is a common trait of narcs, BM and SS do it, my mother is a past master at it.  If you do seriously think that SD is a narc then I would suggest looking up you tube films by  Richard Grannon (the Spartan Life Coach), he has done a lot of work on this and gives advice on how to deal with them. One of his methods is the 'grey rock'  which I have used on my mother with a certain amount of success.

Narcs never stop trying to get supply so you can only do a certain amount to limit their effect on you. They are highly manipulative and cunning. They always demand an immediate answer to a request as guess what?  YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS. You have to say yes.  Develop the tactic of saying 'hmmmm, i'll get back to you on that one' . They don't like it as they want an immediate yes and will say 'just tell me now', but you just use the broken record technique of repeating the same answer.

Have fun, you will be in for a long hard ride (not in a good way*biggrin* . I doubt that your DH will appreciate you telling him that you think his daughter is a narc though. In the end my DH had to admit that BM, SS and my Mother had the same qualities about them.

Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy14 is a narc.  DH keeps telling me what a great kid she is because she is doing well in school and captain of her sports team.  But she treats people like crap.  They are motivated to enhance their ego by doing well at some things.  It's the 1,000 other little things that count.

morrginme's picture

He's like "She does sports and gets good grades. She doing ok, right"? So the kid grows up to be financially successful but they are still a jerk. I don't consider that as a bright future for anyone. 

Stepdeb's picture

My 19year old SD (been in her life since she was 10) has some personality traits that make me wonder about her. She is a conversational narcissist. She completely monopolizes any conversation turning it to her, her interests, her shows etc. If the conversation isn't able her she completely disengages. She shows little empathy. When her grandmother (whom she saw nearly everyday) died she was only concerned with when her dad would stop being sad because it impacted on what he did for her. I'm sorry has no true meaning, it's a way to end a discussion, that's all. She cries and says she's sorry but really it's because she got caught/ called on her bs behaviour and it's made her feel bad not that she hurt someone else's feelings. She is self centred and greedy without any consideration for others. She doesn't have friends, never has. As a child she maintained a girl was her best friend but that girl hadn't really engaged with her since they were 6. Now she knows absolutely everything and is honestly a miserable, disagreeable b!tch. Her father and mother when together over indulged her allowing her to call the shots. He was a slave to both her and her BM. As a 10year old, she dropped her eraser, asked him to pick it up and he did!  I'm like waaaait a minute! THAT is bullish!t!! She was treat like she was special from day one and catered to. It's doing her a great injustice now. The world will devastate her because to be honest, she's a shitty person.  Today she asked if we could take her to get something for a bday gift exchange. They set a limit of $20. Ok. But...She spend $10 on her gift, bought herself a much nicer version of the same plus about $60 worth of other things. Might not seem so bad but it's her pattern. When this friend gives her a $20 gift and receives a $10 gift but is told aaaaallll about the upgraded version she got herself, SD will be completely clueless to any hurt. I washed my hands of her ages ago but her dad still tries to carry her responsibilities for her. I say sink or swim, little a-hole.