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I need an Attitude Change

Hershei12's picture

I don't know where to start. I have three stepchildren that I have known for 11 years. The two youngest 18SS and 17SD live with us. Their father and I have been married for two years. We bought a bigger house for them, everything my husband does is for THEM. He is like a ATM. The 18 year old doesnt work and getting him to get a job is like pulling teeth. The 17SD has gone from a sweet girl to the biggest hateful, brat on the planet. He whole personality changed during Christmas when her boyfriend broke up with her. Its because of her that I have issues.

My husband travels and leaves me with them during the week. If I speak my mind she screams "You're not my mother I don't have to do what you say!" After being gone and skipping the next to the last day of school and having to get the police involved the end of the school year last year, that was the last conversation we had. That was in May. She leaves home, doesn't tell me where she is going, doesn't talk to me and I don't talk to her. I have told my H that I'm not doing anything for her. I'm not making appointments, taking her anywhere, or getting her anything. He will have to take over and do it all.

Things have not gotten any better and we have started the new school year. All summer my H said that he would talk to her and get it straight, yet every day goes by without a sit down and she is still constantly holding her hand out for money and then staying gone all weekend and every school night.

I don't know what to do because I cannot stand to be in the same room with her anymore. I can't stand to look at her and I hate when I even have to speak to her. I know I can't go on like this but I don't know how else to deal. I need help in the worst way.


Siemprematahari's picture

For starters do you and H have separate accounts? I wouldn't want any of my hard earned money going to SD. Continue not doing anything for her and that goes for giving her rides, cooking, laundry, etc. Any chores that have to be done let your H tell her and if they are not done he's going to have to pick up her slack.

While you do all this do some soul searching. Talk to your H and tell him how you feel and what steps is he willing to take in order to improve the marriage because you are unhappy. Depending on how he plays this out you will have to decide on whether you want to continue this relationship or not. This is not healthy and peace of mind is priceless.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

You don't need an attitude change... Your DH needs to forking create some structure for your home...

I'm so sorry you're living like that and it really shouldn't be allowed to continue. I think you and your H need a heart to heart and you need to set out what you do and do not find acceptable point blank in the home. You're an adult in the home and should AT A BARE MINIMUM be treated with respect.

I'm not sure how your husband's brain works. But I know letting my DH know that I'm hurt makes him want to protect me (as much as he can), so normally tlaking to him in that regard instead of saying everything the skids are doing wrong motivates a quicker action.

TwoOfUs's picture

I second this. 

Any time I've been able to get through to DH that it's about ME and how I feel about something and what I NEED in order to be healthy and happy and comfortable in my home...and NOT about what his kids are doing wrong...he acts much more quickly and follows through. The result is the same...he makes the kids change their expectations or behaviors. But when he's able to see it in terms of what I need instead of how his kids are failing...he doesn't get defensive or get his ego tied up in it. 

Merry's picture

Yes, me too. DH knows I've had issues with his kids. Once I started approaching it from what I need, and not from what they are doing wrong or how they hurt my feelings, he was able to act.

YOU need to feel safe--physically, financially. YOU need to be respected in your own home. Be prepared to set some boundaries and talk about potential consequences when those lines are crossed. DH gives SD the money you were planning for groceries? That's a DH problem--and what does that mean for him? No groceries? Separate accounts going forward? Budget planning and review? SD calls you names--what happens? DH "talking to her" hasn't happened (and won't work anyway) so what are the consequences so that you do feel safe/secure around her?

Think through what YOU need.

Harry's picture

Are not going to respectfully of you and what you do for them.  Know in life you have to give respect to people and property.  They can not live in your home.  They must be told to move out and get on there own 

Hershei12's picture

I asked H last night if he was going to have a talk with SD about her attitude and the tension in the house and he said he did "some" Sunday night and that I need to act normal, sweet and like nothing ever happened and if I don't then I am acting like her, a child. The more I thought and still think about this the madder and the worse I have gotten. I am always the one that is made to change or to shut it down with an act that nothing ever took place. So, no apology for the disrespect and and there has been almost three months of ignoring me now and he says she is bitter. Wow! Am I really the wrong one here? I'm supposed to act like nothing ever took place, there was no screaming in my face that since I'm not her mother she doesn't have to listen to me, I'm just supposed to forget about months of being treated as I don't exist and just play sweet nice happy SM? NOT Happening! And now, I'm really pissed at H and so he will get the silent treatment.