So the first time I had the skids back around for Christmas was something that was giving me bad anxiety for weeks before it happened, BUT I stuck to what I said to DH and just completely backed off from parenting his terrorists. If I saw him struggling I would help him every once in a while out if the kindness of my heart, but the majority of the time I just hung out with my daughter and laughed internally as his kids threw fits all up and down the house and wouldn't listen to a word he said. Now I think he's starting to realize what a pain in the ass his kids are!!!!
SD13 barely says an original thought during her two weekend visits a month at our house. She barely says anything at all. And it is wonderful.
It is like I don’t even have a SD anymore. That’s DH’s daughter, and that’s it. DS is referred to as “her little brother”, but I’m not even worried anymore about her being a bad influence because my DS is smart and I’m wise to who SS13 is slowly becoming.
I don’t go to her extracurriculars (what few there are).
I don’t make much conversation beyond polite small talk.
So the action part of disengagement is going fairly well - not trying to fix things or parent SD, spending way less time with her since she does an after school program instead of being babysat by me. It's made me a lot happier and less resentful since I dont need to bend as much of my life to suit her. I still find her incredibly obnoxious when she is around but its much easier to tolerate for shorter amounts of time.