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Stop asking me about them!

Manolo78's picture

Ever since I married my husband, every time I speak to my mother she asks me, “how are the kids?” I do not have (by choice) any children of my own. My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage. My husband has shared custody of these kids, but their primary residence is with their mother who lives about 15 minutes away from us. It’s really annoying that my mother always asks me about the kids. They are not my kids!!! They have a mother that they live with mostly and a father that is very present and active in their lives. I’m not their mother! I don’t want to be their mother! And the kids are not your grandchildren! So stop asking me “how are the kids every time I speak to you! You are my mother! Ask me how am I doing!!!



hereiam's picture

Tell her, "Fine," and move on to another subject. She probably thinks it's the polite thing to do.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Honestly you might need to reexamine if this is the relationship for you. Even if you aren't taken an active role in their life they are now apart of yours and people are going to ask about it. You can keep it short and just say "they are well" and if you need to have a heart to heart with your mother but honestly I don't know why you'd enter into a relationship with someone who has children. What do you plan to do if BM dies tomorrow? When you're with a person who has kids anything can happen and tomorrow they could be with you full time.

Manolo78's picture

I don’t hate the kids and I never said I didn’t want them around. My issue is ever since I got married, my mom has become consumed with the kids and wants to have full blown conversations about them. I have been with my husband for over 10 years prior to marriage (lived together for 3 years) and my mom has not done this. So I’m puzzled and annoyed that she has started this. I would just like to have a conversation with my mother without her inquiring about the kids immediately after hello. I just want to talk to her about what is happening with me as an individual for a few minutes first. Just like I ask her about her (individually), I would like the same in return.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Then tell her this but consider to her they are now her grandchildren. I never said you didn't want them around. I said your not expressing that you take an active role in their life even when they are with you. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm saying this is going to happen when there are children invovled. So many people come here complaining that their parents don't care about the stepkids in your case it's the opposite. You don't really care. That sounds alot worse than I mean it to.

Manolo78's picture

I guess I just don’t really understand why she has become so invested and interested in them. Maybe she’s looking for them to fill the grandchildren void. My mother is the only one among her siblings that is not a grandmother. I gave her a dog *lol*

advice.only2's picture

How often do you talk to your mother? If it's daily yes I could understand feeling annoyed, but if it's rarely and she's just trying to catch up with you on your life in general than maybe cut her some slack.

Manolo78's picture

Let me clarify. I don’t hate the kids. But, I’m not that involved or knowledgeable about their day to day lives or activities. So it’s annoying when my mother’s first thing after I say hello is, “how are the kids?” She expects me to have a full blown conversation about the children as if they are my kids. It’s like she has selected to forget that they have a mother that they live with and she seems disappointed that I do not know what they’re having for dinner or if they attended basketball practice! I speak to my mother weekly and have been in a relationship with my husband for over 10 years! We have been married for a year. But since we got married, she began to ask me about the kids constantly. And my response is still the same. I say either “fine” or “I don’t know”.

fakemommy's picture

It sounds like your mom is being supportive of your choice in spouse and what that brings. Unless there is more to the story, let it go.

blessedwithstress's picture

If I had to venture a guess, I'd say your mom is not trying to annoy you but rather trying to be polite. Maybe she even feels a little cheated at not having any bio-grandkids of her own (at least from you, idk if you have siblings or whatnot) so asking about the skids is the closest thing she has to grandkids. Have you ever talked to her about how much this annoys you? Even if you could just say 'You know, Mom, I really don't have a close relationship with these kids and having you ask about them every time we talk is starting to bother me.' It might curb her habit a little. 

But I understand your annoyance. I'm not as close with my skids as I used to be. There is a sense of growing detachment. One of my friends likes to give me sh*t about it and tries to imply that I should never have married my husband if I wasn't willing to treat his kids like my own in every aspect and for all eternity. Well sorry, I have a life and they are becoming less and less part of it. Excuse me for not making them the center of the universe all the time.

Have yourself a big glass of wine (or whatever relaxes you) and shake it off. I'm sure your mom doesn't mean to upset you.

Cover1W's picture

My mom asks about the SDs too.  I say 'they are fine' or let her know good things about them.  Otherwise, nothing.  If she presses me about 'parent related items' I simply reminder her that it's up to either BM or DH to figure that out, not me, so I'm not able to answer X or Y or Z. 

Repeat, and repeat again.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

As a childfree woman, I've found that there's a type of woman who, being a mother herself, sees everything in life through that particular filter. Even with her children grown, it's an engrained behavior to focus on kids, all the time. Do you think this describes your mom?

Or, do you think it's a subconscious means of satisfying her own desire for grandkids? Just wondering, since she started in after you married.

My own mother showed little interest in my struggles raising YSD - until after YSD ran off. Then she was aaalll about getting the details. We had a distant relationship due to dysfunction, but I did drive her to all of her medical appointments and she was always asking, asking ASKING if I'd heard from YSD. One day I finally blew up and yelled "I DON'T want to talk about this!!!" It felt like she was probing a wound, but I regret it now because I realize that my mother was interested because she also had a daughter run away - my criminal older sister. In her clumsy way, she was trying to relate. Maybe your mom is hoping to make that familiar (to her) mother-to-mother bond with you?

thinkthrice's picture

"they're fine---and how's YOUR (insert health issue here)?