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It's Been a While...Chaos Continues...Think I'm Going to Have to Leave This Madness!

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Hello StepTalkers!  It's been a couple of months since I posted and I hope you're all doing well.  I suppose I took a little break from venting here because I was trying to make a grand effort to stay on the positive with my relationship with Mr. Ed and completely disengage from SDs, ya know?  But...I woke up this morning with so much resentment, frustration, and anxiety about this situation and I knew exactly where to go for support and clarity.  In advance, thank you so much for this space and the experience you all bring to it!

Where We Were

Mr. Ed was passive-permissive in parenting his kids, but making some positive strides toward setting boundaries.  My 2 SSs that visit every other weekend were making strides as well and I made an effort to reframe my interaction with them and step back a bit.  That was going pretty well.  I had completely disengaged from SD22 and SD21 who live on their own.  The big thorn in my side was SD17 who lives here at home 100% of the time and has been on a self-destructive reign of terror for a couple of years now.  Oh, and I left off asking for advice on a birthday party that SD22 wanted to have for her daughter here at our house.  

Where We're At

Still haven't heard anything definitive from the insurance company on SD17's car accident...so that verdict is still waving in the wind.  Mr. Ed stood his ground and took the car away until she finishes paying it off and turns 18.  It doesn't seem to phase SD17, though.  Nothing does!  She continues to do as she pleases, combatting the transportation restrictions by just staying out from morning to night, or even days on end, who knows where and with who.  Sad situation, but I've come to appreciate the peace for myself when she's not here.  She kept trying to bring "contraband" home with her, but Mr. Ed finally moved to check her bags and pockets almost every time she walks in the door.  He only did this after she and here friends finally got arrested for possession a couple of weeks ago a few counties away from us.  They were doing 92 on their way to Chicago in the middle of the night after lying to all parents about their whereabouts.  No surprise...I knew it was coming.  So, she's facing "Juvenile Delinquent" charges and Mr. Ed is having to take off work to drive an hour away for court dates.  Ridiculous. Honestly, I hope the court makes him take her to counseling or gets some sort of social worker involved.  IMHO, they both need that. 

That birthday party for his 3-year-old granddaughter?  Yeah, that's happening today.  I was going to leave and let them do whatever, but given yesterday's chaos, I may stay hidden in my office and just avoid them.  Assuming this party is still happening and its basically a convention of people who totally disrespect and hate me, I would love to hear what you think I should do...stay here and avoid, or just lock up my personal things, leave with the dog for a couple hours, and hope for the best?

Yesterday's Chaos

Long story short, Mr. Ed's communication with his family sucks and it causes problems.  The party is today and I STILL don't know what time people are coming over because Mr. Ed is working out of town and has no idea what time he will be home.  In my opinion, he's totally gas-lighting me, telling me I "have issues" because: #1 - I don't want anyone coming over here until he gets home, #2 - I told him it's ridiculous that he caved to SD22's demands when he and I agreed that Sunday was the only day this party would work because HE would be home to cater to HIS family so I could leave in peace, and #3 - (off topic but royally ticked me off!) He told SD17 she could eat some fried rice I cooked and partially paid for, proceeded to tell me his daughter can eat anything in this house, and that "No, I'm not going to tell her she has to help with chores if she wants something to eat."  This is all after he claimed to understand and agree about the following a while back (though he now claims he doesn't remember those conversations on the matter).

Here's the way I see it...there is always food in that kitchen for SD17 to fix for herself.  I have told Mr. Ed I am willing to pick up at the store what she wants to fix for herself if she gives him a list, since I do the shopping, as long as he pays for her specific items.  I am NOT okay with cooking for or cleaning up after SD17 when she has physically threatened me, tried her best to directly break up our relationship and get me kicked out of my own home, refuses to help around the house or contribute to this household in any meaningful manner, refuses to follow basic rules, and shows ZERO remorse for anything.  She insists on that behavior, he tolerates it, I disengage, she doesn't then get to benefit from my kindness, contribution, and energy.  He told me, "Don't cook then."  I asked, "You would rather us not eat home-cooked meals than have your daughter do any chores?"  He said, "Yes."  What...the...???

He's Left Me Little Choice

So, I'm sorry this is so long, but it's all come to a head.  I'm tired of fighting a losing battle.  I'm tired of gas-lighting.  I'm tired of disrespectful, spiteful, self-destructive people and living around SKIDS with no expectations and consequences. I'm tired of crappy communication and living with people who show little interest in growing as human beings.  I'm tired of having to reserve my kindness and joy for people outside my own home...oh and my dog.  Thank the universe for my little dog!!!  I'm tired of no romance and not enjoying life. I'm tired of always coming last behind people who only "deserve" more because they are blood relatives.  I'm tired of being treated like a servant while my own business/income suffers.  I'm tired of living my life around other peoples whims, chaos, and unhealthiness.  There is so much Mr. Ed could do to make this situation better, but he won't or he just doesn't have it in him.  So...I'm going to have to leave here eventually.  I don't know when, where, or how, but I don't want to waste any more of my life on this insanity.  I've finally come to admit to myself and now to you fine folks that although there are many things I do love about my life outside of all of the above ...it's so not worth it.  I'm spent...I want more for myself...and I'm never going to have it in this situation.  It's hard to face the fact that Mr. Ed and I are never going to have the life we planned, but that is the reality.  So here I am.  

Comments

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

BM to the 3 SDs is back in jail.  She fled probation from a previous charge and got scooped up and charged with drug possession and other things AGAIN.  So...there's that. 

tog redux's picture

Your last paragraph captures all I was thinking as I read this.  Time to figure out how to get out.

As for the party, I'd lock up anything I care about, take my dog and leave.

susanm's picture

Agreed.  I would be concerned that some idiot would let the dog get out if I left without her.  

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I would lose my ever-loving mind!  

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Glad you're still here tog redux!  Always good advice.  Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.  Yes, I'm finishing up locking things up now and packing up my stuff for the doggo.  I guess he's switched jobs with someone else so he can come home earlier, but I want to be ready to fly on a moment's notice BEFORE his fam arrives.  Just trying to get through this darn day with my sanity at this point!

hereiam's picture

I am sorry that it has come to this. It really shouldn't be such a fight and a struggle, should it? Having a partner that lets others disrespect you so (and disrespects you, himself), is just not something that I could live with, not happily, anyway.

It just amazes me, these people that re-marry but their life with their partner is not the priority. Their partner's happiness and well being, means nothing to them.

I don't get it.

tog redux's picture

I don't get it either - but we both have partners who put us ahead of a dysfunctional child, and that seems out of the ordinary on this site.

hereiam's picture

True.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

First of all, I'm happy to hear you two have some good stuff going on in your world.  I'm curious to know...how do your partners reconcile with keeping your relationship in the forefront when their child is wreaking havoc?  Mr. Ed feels likes I am the one coming between he and his children.  I know he does.  He says, "I'm doing the best I can and just trying to keep everyone happy."  IMHO, I'm doing my part and more than my part in many instances, yet I'm the one who gets far less consideration when it comes to the happy train.  To me, he should be coming down with some real-world consequences, responsibilities, and expectations for his children's behavior and treatment of others regardless of whether I'm here or not.  Like she said above...it shouldn't have to be this hard.  I just happen to be here to witness it all and don't think its asking too much for my partner to consider my well-being at least equally in the mix...especially considering he's always said he would never BE in my position and put up with all of it at all...be with someone who has 5 kids as he does.  Twisted!

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Thank you for the condolences and thoughts! <3  Could I live with it?  Probably because I have for 6+ years.  Am I truly happy?  No.  Will I be happy if mountains of positive change, better communication, and sincere consideration DON'T move?  No.  Am I tired of getting significantly less care, concern, respect, and love back from my partner than I am willing, capable, and happy to give.  Yes...so, so tired of the imbalance.  I don't understand it either.  I understand that teenagers, in particular, can be impossible to tame, but the lack of consistent effort is beyond me.  There are so many things he could be doing to teach them how to be better human beings and he just doesn't...and won't give me a reason for why he CHOOSES to parent that way.  If I understand why, maybe that would help, but if he won't communicate his thoughts...I'm at a loss.  So frustrating, but I'm so tired.  I've been through my own therapy and done the work I needed to give this all my best shot.  I'm just ready to be happy again, ya know?  

Evil3's picture

OMG!!!!Yes! That’s been the lingering question for me for decades. I could have handled things waaaaaay differently, perhaps even helped enable it all, if only I got an answer as to why my DuH parented the way he did. No matter what I’ve read or heard in counselling, I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why DuH found it necessary to sell out everyone in his life, including his wife. DuH would just shrug his shoulders and act like he seriously didn’t know why.

advice.only2's picture

I'm sorry to read this, you deserve basic happiness and respect.  Mr.Ed is a fool and I hope when you leave at some pointt he realizes just what he lost. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Even though he's my man at this point...I totally agree with you.  He's being a fool.  I don't get it, but goodness sake's I'm tired of trying so hard.  Even with disengaging from his girls, I still take darn good care of him and help out when the boys are here.  He will miss it, at least on some level.  If nothing else, he'll miss having a laundry, cooking, and cleaning fairy around!  At least there's that. lol

Lollybobs's picture

So just to be clear ...the party is today, you don't know when people are coming over and you don't know what time Mr Ed will be home? I would take the dog, lock up and get out of the house. If nobody's home when they all arrive, that's on Mr Ed. He had no business inviting his family into your home when he couldn't guarantee being there, particularly after you'd said you weren't happy with it.

Winterglow's picture

I-m so happy This - go see a friend or a movie. Not your problem and you're not their skivvy. Go have some fun and then be oh so surprised when you get home and they're not happy ... Smile

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

You got it about the times...no clue.  Crazy, isn't it?  I'm a planner by nature with a heavy heap of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so this kind of stuff drives me insane.  He knows this and I've asked for him to please make an effort to plan ahead better and communicate so I don't lose my mind, but it always seems to end up like this.  The only part that's missing in your picture is that SD17 is home today and will be here to let whoever in.  I rarely leave the house when she is home anyway, so me having to leave before he gets home when she is here AND a bunch of other people who have no respect for me (and therefore my home/things)...its just too much.  Am I right on this?  I told him he needed to be here before the rest of his family and other "friends" get here (still don't know who all she invite...originally it was like 25 people!).

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I knew this site was the best place to turn to this morning to get my head right before the day unfolds.  Seriously...thank you so much. I'm going to respond to individuals later today when I get more time (yep...gonna take the dog and go Goodwilling), but just wanted to let you all know I am checking in and reading with open eyes and an open mind!  Happy to see some familiar names still here! :) 

MurphysLaw's picture

"go goodwilling"

Girl I LOVE Goodwilling! My Ma used to call it The Boutique, because everything is "one of a kind" in the store! LOL Smile

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I love it, too, and they welcome my dog. :)  "The Boutique"...lol...I think I would like your mom. Smile

Harry's picture

Take the dog and go someplace.  I would not be involved in this party.  I would disengage from it all.  Have Mr. Ed do the cooking or getting of the food , cake, ect.   If the house is not clean after the party .  Call a cleaning company to clean up. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Happy to see you're still here.  It looks like there's a consensus here, so I'm going to take my happy little pooch and head out here shortly.  I'm so glad I turned to StepTalk wisdom this morning.  Last night I was on the, "Its my home and I'm not going anywhere because I want to make everyone else feel as uncomfortable as I do" kick.  But today, after checking in here, I see that's not in my best interest.  So...yeah, I've got a friend in mind that runs a cleaning business and he can call if they don't pick up after themselves.  Good advice, thank you!

somethingwicked's picture

Hon, you are tired to the 10th power and then some and your situation will never get better because the fly in the ointment is that big fat hairy wimpy wuss ,your DuH.

You've tried to reason with him,tried the disengagement and reading your past blogs you've been very generous and have  or tried to meet ,appease and get along with DuH and his 17 yr old's antics more than half way.And you aren't getting anywhere.Wait..yes you are.More frustrated ,more anxious, more angry and heart broken because you know you are nothing but a target to Duh to be receiving such disrespect and mixed messages.Where is the equal  partnership that makes a  marriage work?  MIA,right?

It ain't working.

Time to try something different.Move out.Separate as soon as you are able.

If it is your house tell him he has to leave .If shared then move out  ,find something that you are able to afford  and  clearly inform him this is a trial separation that will become permanent unless he gets his head out of his A$$ ,stop the gaslighting,passive aggressive behavior he reserves for you and  start consistently parenting and dealing with the soon to be walking full blown disaster that is his DD 17. 

I do not see where you tried a marriage counselor,alone  or together .That may help;  offer you both insight and provide tools to better communicate .

Move out .

Please stop sacrificing yourself because you were not put "here" to be anyone's sacrificial lamb.Life really is too short to burn away being unhappy and heart broken.

Tell him he will need to see a marriage counselor or therapist (one with experience dealing with dysfunctioanl with step family situations)   with you  in order to move forward ,get back together .OR just end it.

Wishing you the best outcome FOR YOU~ 

I am hoping for your happiness.

AND take the dog with you!

Mandy45's picture

That paragraph has resonated with me because that how I feel now I ve spent so much time worrying about someone else drama. I've now came to the same conclusion that life short who needs all this bs that is past on from a step family. But you know what?? Now that ive come to this conclusion I'm a lot happier because I'm free. They are always going to be dysfunctional doent matter what I do or what anyone else does it always going to be the same for them.