It's Been a While...Chaos Continues...Think I'm Going to Have to Leave This Madness!
Hello StepTalkers! It's been a couple of months since I posted and I hope you're all doing well. I suppose I took a little break from venting here because I was trying to make a grand effort to stay on the positive with my relationship with Mr. Ed and completely disengage from SDs, ya know? But...I woke up this morning with so much resentment, frustration, and anxiety about this situation and I knew exactly where to go for support and clarity. In advance, thank you so much for this space and the experience you all bring to it!
Where We Were
Mr. Ed was passive-permissive in parenting his kids, but making some positive strides toward setting boundaries. My 2 SSs that visit every other weekend were making strides as well and I made an effort to reframe my interaction with them and step back a bit. That was going pretty well. I had completely disengaged from SD22 and SD21 who live on their own. The big thorn in my side was SD17 who lives here at home 100% of the time and has been on a self-destructive reign of terror for a couple of years now. Oh, and I left off asking for advice on a birthday party that SD22 wanted to have for her daughter here at our house.
Where We're At
Still haven't heard anything definitive from the insurance company on SD17's car accident...so that verdict is still waving in the wind. Mr. Ed stood his ground and took the car away until she finishes paying it off and turns 18. It doesn't seem to phase SD17, though. Nothing does! She continues to do as she pleases, combatting the transportation restrictions by just staying out from morning to night, or even days on end, who knows where and with who. Sad situation, but I've come to appreciate the peace for myself when she's not here. She kept trying to bring "contraband" home with her, but Mr. Ed finally moved to check her bags and pockets almost every time she walks in the door. He only did this after she and here friends finally got arrested for possession a couple of weeks ago a few counties away from us. They were doing 92 on their way to Chicago in the middle of the night after lying to all parents about their whereabouts. No surprise...I knew it was coming. So, she's facing "Juvenile Delinquent" charges and Mr. Ed is having to take off work to drive an hour away for court dates. Ridiculous. Honestly, I hope the court makes him take her to counseling or gets some sort of social worker involved. IMHO, they both need that.
That birthday party for his 3-year-old granddaughter? Yeah, that's happening today. I was going to leave and let them do whatever, but given yesterday's chaos, I may stay hidden in my office and just avoid them. Assuming this party is still happening and its basically a convention of people who totally disrespect and hate me, I would love to hear what you think I should do...stay here and avoid, or just lock up my personal things, leave with the dog for a couple hours, and hope for the best?
Long story short, Mr. Ed's communication with his family sucks and it causes problems. The party is today and I STILL don't know what time people are coming over because Mr. Ed is working out of town and has no idea what time he will be home. In my opinion, he's totally gas-lighting me, telling me I "have issues" because: #1 - I don't want anyone coming over here until he gets home, #2 - I told him it's ridiculous that he caved to SD22's demands when he and I agreed that Sunday was the only day this party would work because HE would be home to cater to HIS family so I could leave in peace, and #3 - (off topic but royally ticked me off!) He told SD17 she could eat some fried rice I cooked and partially paid for, proceeded to tell me his daughter can eat anything in this house, and that "No, I'm not going to tell her she has to help with chores if she wants something to eat." This is all after he claimed to understand and agree about the following a while back (though he now claims he doesn't remember those conversations on the matter).
Here's the way I see it...there is always food in that kitchen for SD17 to fix for herself. I have told Mr. Ed I am willing to pick up at the store what she wants to fix for herself if she gives him a list, since I do the shopping, as long as he pays for her specific items. I am NOT okay with cooking for or cleaning up after SD17 when she has physically threatened me, tried her best to directly break up our relationship and get me kicked out of my own home, refuses to help around the house or contribute to this household in any meaningful manner, refuses to follow basic rules, and shows ZERO remorse for anything. She insists on that behavior, he tolerates it, I disengage, she doesn't then get to benefit from my kindness, contribution, and energy. He told me, "Don't cook then." I asked, "You would rather us not eat home-cooked meals than have your daughter do any chores?" He said, "Yes." What...the...???
He's Left Me Little Choice
So, I'm sorry this is so long, but it's all come to a head. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. I'm tired of gas-lighting. I'm tired of disrespectful, spiteful, self-destructive people and living around SKIDS with no expectations and consequences. I'm tired of crappy communication and living with people who show little interest in growing as human beings. I'm tired of having to reserve my kindness and joy for people outside my own home...oh and my dog. Thank the universe for my little dog!!! I'm tired of no romance and not enjoying life. I'm tired of always coming last behind people who only "deserve" more because they are blood relatives. I'm tired of being treated like a servant while my own business/income suffers. I'm tired of living my life around other peoples whims, chaos, and unhealthiness. There is so much Mr. Ed could do to make this situation better, but he won't or he just doesn't have it in him. So...I'm going to have to leave here eventually. I don't know when, where, or how, but I don't want to waste any more of my life on this insanity. I've finally come to admit to myself and now to you fine folks that although there are many things I do love about my life outside of all of the above ...it's so not worth it. I'm spent...I want more for myself...and I'm never going to have it in this situation. It's hard to face the fact that Mr. Ed and I are never going to have the life we planned, but that is the reality. So here I am.