SD22 Asked to Have Snigglefritz's B-Day Party Here...Advice?
A week ago, I mentioned MR. ED went to see SD22 and his only grandaughter Snigglefritz. I didn't go because I'm trying hard to disengage from his girls unless it directly affects me or our current household. I've seen her a few times over the past 3 or 4 years, but it has always been a bit awkward. We just never bonded. She did the normal 16 yo jealous, bratty SD stuff when we got together, but that seems so long ago. I would've loved to spend time with Snigglefritz all these years and even helped out SD22 with watching her, but long ago my therapist told me not to offer myself up like that when they were all treating me so crappy. I'm so glad I listened to her!
Well, while MR. ED was there last week, SD22 asked if she could have Snigglefritz's birthday party at our house the day before Halloween. WTH? She has NEVER come over to visit since we've moved here a year ago. Last year, MR. ED and I both bought her really nice and well thought out separate gifts for her birthday and were so excited when SD22 said she wanted to come over to open her gifts and go trick-or-treating. We had hope and I was still trying. Halloween trick-or-treating is like that scene from E.T. around here with kids and dogs and families everywhere, and even local police sponsored party going on right across the street. It's AWESOME! I made Snigglefritz up her own special bag of treats as I did with my neighbor kids long before MR. ED. That's who I am. That stuff is fun for me to do for people who are actually IN my life. Well, she never came. In fact, Christmas came around and those darn presents were still sitting there by the tree until MR. ED finally took them over to her house. I thought it was rude and I could tell MR. ED was sad about the whole thing.
I'm happily disengaged from SD22 and have accepted that I will never get to be that stepgrandma who gets to play with Snigglefritz, take her fun places, and bake her her favorite goodies. That's fine. MR. ED still has hope, but it's his daughter and granddaughter so I understand that. So, what would you do about the party? Here are my options as I see it, but feel free to offer up a better way!
- Tell MR. ED a flat out no, we're not hosting the party. We don't even know any of SD22's friends, baby daddy's family (MR. ED has met them, but only briefly), or who else she may have in our home. (Important to note...SD22 seems to have cleaned up her act since Mommyhood, but we know SD17 has gotten ahold of illegal substances from SD22's baby daddy or his buddies in the past).
- Leave the decision up to MR. ED, but let him know I'll have a "Me Day" outside the home during any party. I honestly don't feel comfortable with this, but I don't want to be the scapegoat for him denying the party. I guess I would just lock up my stuff, ask him to have them clean up after, go have a latte, and hope for the best.
- Agree to the party, hoping it never happens.
- Agree to the party and give a real effort to be a good host and pleasant to everyone including all 3 SDs. This is an option, but I don't think I could get through it without an anxiety meltdown! I think it's asking too much of myself given the history with SDs. To have them all 3 in the same room together again is like something out of my actual nightmares!
- Tell MR. ED no to the party, but agree to his suggestion that they can come over the next day on Halloween if they like. Sounds like a compromise I could live with. There's plenty of positive vibes and activity buzzing to keep my preoccupied if things get too uncomfortable.
Also...any thoughts on why SD22 would even WANT to have the party here given the family dynamics? I'm stumped! Thanks fellow SPs for taking the time to read this and for any thoughts or stories of your own you may share! <3