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SD22 Asked to Have Snigglefritz's B-Day Party Here...Advice?

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

A week ago, I mentioned MR. ED went to see SD22 and his only grandaughter Snigglefritz.  I didn't go because I'm trying hard to disengage from his girls unless it directly affects me or our current household. I've seen her a few times over the past 3 or 4 years, but it has always been a bit awkward.  We just never bonded.  She did the normal 16 yo jealous, bratty SD stuff when we got together, but that seems so long ago.  I would've loved to spend time with Snigglefritz all these years and even helped out SD22 with watching her, but long ago my therapist told me not to offer myself up like that when they were all treating me so crappy.  I'm so glad I listened to her!   

Well, while MR. ED was there last week, SD22 asked if she could have Snigglefritz's birthday party at our house the day before Halloween.  WTH?  She has NEVER come over to visit since we've moved here a year ago.  Last year, MR. ED and I both bought her really nice and well thought out separate gifts for her birthday and were so excited when SD22 said she wanted to come over to open her gifts and go trick-or-treating.  We had hope and I was still trying.  Halloween trick-or-treating is like that scene from E.T. around here with kids and dogs and families everywhere, and even local police sponsored party going on right across the street.  It's AWESOME!  I made Snigglefritz up her own special bag of treats as I did with my neighbor kids long before MR. ED.  That's who I am.  That stuff is fun for me to do for people who are actually IN my life.  Well, she never came.  In fact, Christmas came around and those darn presents were still sitting there by the tree until MR. ED finally took them over to her house.  I thought it was rude and I could tell MR. ED was sad about the whole thing.

I'm happily disengaged from SD22 and have accepted that I will never get to be that stepgrandma who gets to play with Snigglefritz, take her fun places, and bake her her favorite goodies.  That's fine.  MR. ED still has hope, but it's his daughter and granddaughter so I understand that.  So, what would you do about the party?  Here are my options as I see it, but feel free to offer up a better way!

  1. Tell MR. ED a flat out no, we're not hosting the party.  We don't even know any of SD22's friends, baby daddy's family (MR. ED has met them, but only briefly), or who else she may have in our home.  (Important to note...SD22 seems to have cleaned up her act since Mommyhood, but we know SD17 has gotten ahold of illegal substances from SD22's baby daddy or his buddies in the past).
  2. Leave the decision up to MR. ED, but let him know I'll have a "Me Day" outside the home during any party.  I honestly don't feel comfortable with this, but I don't want to be the scapegoat for him denying the party.  I guess I would just lock up my stuff, ask him to have them clean up after, go have a latte, and hope for the best.  
  3. Agree to the party, hoping it never happens.  
  4. Agree to the party and give a real effort to be a good host and pleasant to everyone including all 3 SDs.  This is an option, but I don't think I could get through it without an anxiety meltdown!  I think it's asking too much of myself given the history with SDs.  To have them all 3 in the same room together again is like something out of my actual nightmares!
  5. Tell MR. ED no to the party, but agree to his suggestion that they can come over the next day on Halloween if they like.  Sounds like a compromise I could live with.  There's plenty of positive vibes and activity buzzing to keep my preoccupied if things get too uncomfortable.

Also...any thoughts on why SD22 would even WANT to have the party here given the family dynamics?  I'm stumped!  Thanks fellow SPs for taking the time to read this and for any thoughts or stories of your own you may share! <3


hereiam's picture

If my SD had not even bothered to visit in the last year, and then stood us up when she did make plans to come over, this wouldn't even be considered, my DH would tell her no.

If MR. ED has not already done that and is considering hosting the party, I would tell him that I didn't think it was a good idea and why, and hope he comes up with the right answer. Otherwise, your #5 sounds reasonable.

I can't imagine having the balls to ask my dad to have a party at his house when I don't even visit him!

Also, if she plans on inviting shady people, what's there to even think about? That's a hard NO. I mean, a family get together is one thing, a bunch of shady strangers in my house? I don't think so.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

What you said...100%!  My first response was definitely ruffled feathers.  I thought she had some nerve even asking.  Then I gave some small thought to the idea that she may be reaching out. gut still says it's not genuine.  Shady strangers in the house...I'm with you on that one and he is as well.  The difference between MR. ED and I...I ask those hard questions and he just naively assumes she wouldn't invite anyone into our home that would cause a stir even though he knows the shady circles she and baby daddy run in.  H@ll, even MSD20's BF is super shady and hasn't been allowed past the driveway thus far by MR. ED.  If he were to come, that's enough right there to make me nervous in a chaotic party scenario where no one's paying attention!  I'm just happy I have STalk to remind me my cautiousness holds water under the circumstances.  Thanks for your input! Smile

notarelative's picture

My first thought is that she wants to have the party at your house so you can pay for it. 

Does Mr Ed have any idea of what throwing this party entails? How many people?  Is it a family party? Are they inviting all of their friends? Is it cake and punch? A full meal? I'd press him for details. Perhaps he'll change his mind when he discovers how much work this will be for him (not you, not you and him, him)

I'd ask him if he has a plan for what happens if there is a repeat of Haloween and Christmas. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I'm sure you're right about SD22 wanting him to pay for the party one way or another.  

MR. ED knowing how to throw a party? HA! *ROFL*  He has a work ethic like none I've ever know and is handy as all get out, but when it comes to anything domestic or along the lines of entertaining...let's just say that's not his strong suit.  He and I are balanced that way so it works for us, but in situations like this...the girls have never wrapped their brains around the fact that they can't pull off family events like this unless I run the show or they grow up and learn to take care of things themselves (like I did for my own DS when I was her age).  Oh, and there is the option that they actually work on bettering our relationship so we can work together, but that ship sailed long ago.  I'm not perfect, but I do believe they missed out in that respect by being so oppositional to me.  Thanks for the thoughts!

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

No. Just no.

I forget how old the grandchild is...doesn’t matter. Just no. No party at your house. 

No relationship with you = no use of your house for party. 

They are likely too lazy to do the work to have at their own house. They would not clean up at your house if it was there. Strange people in your house..good enough reason to say no right there.  

So just say no to your DH...that will not work for you. Period. 

He is welcome to rent a hall or kiddie venue if he wishes to gamble that they would even show up.  

Or how about he gives as a gift to his grandchild the gift of an outing to a zoo, park, etc. so that he can go make some memories with the child without the toxic parental waste in attendance.  You could go with him on this outing if you chose to do so.  This could become an annual tradition that would help form a bond to his grandchild that will last past The childhood years and far longer than any toy or party. 

So remember. Option #6. NO.


ChamomileTea4Me's picture

MR. ED's question was, "She's 3...not in preschool...what friends does she even have?"  So, yeah we have no idea who she even intended to invite.  The whole thing is weird! 

I'm really liking your #6. lol

That's a good idea about the outing alternative and making it a gift and tradition.  Good stuff.  Thank you very much for your 2 cents! Smile

susanm's picture

How does she even know that your house is suitable for a party if she has never been there?  It is a kid's party.  You could have a pure white living room, glass sculptures on pedestals in the hallway, and a balcony with a thin rail and a 30 foot drop.  Or it could be a cottage barely big enough for a dinner party for 6.  That is pretty presumptuous!

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yeah, our home has changed A LOT since we moved from the house she last lived in (his house that I moved into), partly because skids were all pretty feral and destructive and I was just over it, but also because we bought this house with the intention to resell for a profit in a few years. We've told them all its an investment not to be destroyed.  The youngest skid is now 11 and he's the most responsible of them all, so we're definitely less small-child-friendly with our decor.  We actually do have a light beige living room rug and my antique Chinese vases scattered about. lol  Great point and you just gave me another awesome reason to say "Sorry, but nope!  We're just not set up for a little kids party, Hun."  Thank you!!!

susanm's picture

Happy too have helped!  I will consider it my good deed for the day and I can be a total a$$ from now until tomorrow morning.  Woo-hoo!  Smile

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yep...I'm very thankful to be the recipient of your daily kindness.  At least you can know that one person appreciates you no matter what you do from here til your head hits that pillow!   *drinks*

Winterglow's picture

"any thoughts on why SD22 would even WANT to have the party here given the family dynamics?"

Yes, two reasons actually. 

First one - money. She wants an all expenses paid party for her and all of her hangers-on.

Second one - laziness. She wants it all done for her, the preparation, the decoration, the catering, the cleaning up. She wants to swan in, take full advantage, swan out again leaving a trail of destruction.

Wait, wait! There is a third reason! She's hoping you will refuse and that daddeeee will rent somewhere swanky and put it all on there. She's aiming higher than I originally thought.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

#1-Definitely can see her hoping for all expenses paid by daddy.

#2-Even though she may not care for me, she knows full well that I can go all out for a family event if all the stars are aligned.  I haven't done that in years for his family, but she could be trying to manipulate the situation so I do it to support MR. ED.  Yeah, I'm not going to fall for it and cave this time. 

#3-I think you may just be right!  Chances are she knows I'll be uncomfortable with the whole idea and try to use that to guilt him into paying for a rental spot or tossing her some extra money.  Good thinking, Winterglow! :)  I <3 this site!

hereiam's picture

What I love about my DH regarding his daughter, he does not do anything out of guilt when it comes to her. At all, EVER. Any guilty feelings that he has ever had have been put to rest, he knows he did the be best that he could, inspite of procreating with crazy. And inspite of SD28 trying to manipulate him, using guilt. It really just pisses him off, at this point.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I hope you give that man a big kiss when he gets home! :)  That is great that he doesn't fall into that guilt.  I can see MR. ED starting to recognize the manipulation more, but he's still super vulnerable to it.  Baby steps until he plainly sees it for what it is, I guess.

Harry's picture

No party.  If she not wanting anything to do with you.  Why do a party for GK.  Why put in the the effort.  It’s not going to mean or do anything except a free party. With SD doing no work.  If MR ED want to do the party. That then all on him.  If he does not clean up.  Call a cleaning service to do a deep cleaning of your home.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

 "It’s not going to mean or do anything except a free party."

I think you hit the nail on the head!  That's an awesome point for me to remember and bring up to MR. ED.  I mean, I think he will roll with it if I just say no (which at this point after reading all these responses that's where I'm leaning), but it's a great point to help lessen the possible guilt he may feel.  You are right...if he and/or I went all out and threw her the most awesome party ever...if I held my tongue and served up cake with a smile...and if he tossed dollar bills through the air while simultaneously spending the most quality of quality time with the girls and Snigglefritz...I honestly don't think it would mean anything real to them, so why make all that effort.  That's sad, but I believe it's true.  Thanks for your input, Harry! Smile

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

for all her friends, relatives on BM’s side and BM. And whatever random sticky fingered, sugar hyped up three years old or there about age ranged fragile vase breaking, beige carpet koolaid staining rug rats she can scare up.  Hey you may as well get a trailer full of cattle to let loose in your house....same effect.

Tell DH to decline her offer to let you host the party....with out throwing you under the bus if possible...offer to take the child to the zoo or aquarium for an afternoon...heck SD and hubby case the child is still a clinger to mommy....take separate vehicles so you can ditch them when the melt down starts.  


ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yeah, BM isn't even in the picture right now.  Last I heard she's MIA after not showing up for a court date to revoke her probation.  Greeeeeeat.  So, I'm not even sure who all or how many she was wanting to invite to this shindig.  Notice I'm now saying "was wanting to invite?"  Thank you all.  My decision is solidifying before MR. ED walks through the door today. Smile

BTW, the "take separate vehicles" thing...EXCELLENT advice!  I've started making that a habit for any major function or event, especially involving MR. ED's family.   I suffer from terrible anxiety and I've found it helps me get through the tough situations if I know I have a safe and healthy escape route at my disposal!  To be honest, I rarely go to his family events these days at all, but when I do...keep those keys hooked to my purse! Wink

Exjuliemccoy's picture

On Dog, not again.

I got played this way by OSD several years ago. DH and I had moved closer to her and the grands, and OSD knew that she had leverage over us with them. We had bought a lovely home with a pool, well set up for entertaining. OSD asked "if she could use our back yard to host a small birthday party for a few of GD's little friends". I stupidly said yes, and didn't take the precaution of drawing boundaries or setting limits.

Well, that narc bi!ch sent out invites to 74 people, mostly adults! She told me this the week before the party, and that she was struggling to find enough money to pay for food! DH and I ended up footing the bill for most of the party, working our butts off. OSD got to show off, throw a big party, receive an obscene amount of swag for her daughter, and glory in being MOTY - with others doing all work and paying the shot. I was still in my doormat phase, but that one selfish act pushed me much further towards disengagement.

The bottom line is, you don't currently enjoy a degree of closeness that would justify doing such a favor for this adult woman who happens to be related to your DH. She's looking for someone to use, and has revealed her lack of regard for her father and you. This isn't about family coming together to celebrate, it's about tapping a convenient resource. See this for what it is, and don't make the same mistake I did.


ChamomileTea4Me's picture

This isn't about family coming together to celebrate, it's about tapping a convenient resource."

That is a great description of how I feel they treat him/us.  You are right...we are nowhere near being on that level for her to be asking something like that...darn it! *clapping*  It's just so crazy because a lot of us on here would be more than happy to do stuff like this if skids would just treat us with basic human decency.  They "tap into the convenient resource" over and over again without realizing their crappy behavior is causing the well to dry up. 

It might actually be interesting to see her reaction if he tells her, "Sorry SD22, we're not going to be able to hold it here, but while I've got you on the phone...want to come by for dinner at the house next week?"  Sadly, I'll bet she would decline.  SMH

Thank you!  You always have a way with words that strikes a cord! Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Thanks. And just to give you a bigger picture, kids who are raised in this one-way dynamic where they always receive and are never required to reciprocate don't suddenly wake up one day and start being considerate and generous. Nope, these kids have been raised to be takers, and the script never flips. Females especially, because society still gives them a pass.

OSD only sees people (and especially men) in terms of what she can get out of them or how she can forward her agenda through them. She truly only sees her father as a wallet not a person, and chose for a second husband a man she could control who was raised in a religion that is cool with wives not working. The last time she spent one on one time with her father, she was around 15 (40 now) and has never even bought him lunch or a cup of coffee. She's an angry, controlling , bottom feeding narc.

Your challenge, because your H hasn't come to grips with the sad reality, is avoiding exploitation while still following form. It's a tricky bit of business, but I like the idea of pointing out that the house is not a good place for a children's party and then issuing an invite you know she'll decline. Don't forget to let your H see your "hurt and disappointment" Wink

CLove's picture

So sorry this happened to you Ex Julie!!!! Bet it never happened again (fingers crossed).

Yes, OP, you have arrived at your answer - 31 flavors of NO. With a few additonal toppings such as "no we will take you out somewhere with Sgk" and "No, no, and he!! no". Biggrin Sort of like chocolate and salted caramel, but oh, so much sweeter.


I love you guys! I have always pretty much gotten great advice from everyone.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yes, I've been on here A LOT since I signed on, but it's been helping so much.  I've gotten great advice and heard some hard truths from people who have been through so much. I think I've processed through the most reading other people's posts.  It keeps me grounded.  It reminds me where I've been and gives me hope about my options looking forward.  A lot of things have gotten better, but there are still so many things I'm frustrated with around here.  Having you all has helped me put a check on the gaslighting that I've been dealing with.  It's like a sanity check, ya know?  Feeling very grateful that people take the time to help me figure things out.  Thank you all for being here! <3

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

since MSD blew in like an ill wind from he## and tore the top layer of fakery off her and her sisters behavior towards me.  It forever altered my relationship with my husband, who I am as a person, the future dreams we had of ourselves in our silver years with family gathered about. The fairy tale is broken.  I have permanent PTSD from the whole experience.  I read the stories here every day to keep strong and remember not to let it all back in my life.  The best thing you can do for your life is to live it the way you want. Without losers and users consuming your soul.  I am still struggling to pull myself dogs are my little salvations.  Holidays are the worst...used to love them.  My dad passed away this past February and I am recovering from a surgery this summer...and my dads step kids one of whom is the executor of the estate is screwing around with getting it all done and this is a throw away year for me. But I will pull it all together bit by bit.  Keep strong and don’t let them beat you down.  Remember option #6 No.


NEM's picture

I wouldn't do it does she not have her own house ?