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How do I cope?!

OverIt100's picture

I've been reading alot about disengagement but I currently can't do that. When ss12 comes round he causes arguments between my husband and I usually by shit stirring or being so disrespectful to me that the house ends up being tense.

Everytime he's here I end up locking myself in the bedroom to avoid confrontation or any form of encounter with him the kid is a brat! 

What makes it worse is his demon mum allows him to misbehave and regardless what DH says he only behaves when there are others around.

I have a 7 month old daughter and infront of others hes loving and playful, but I've caught him pretending to sleep so not to deal with her in the car or ignoring her when she crawls to him to play, but as soon as dh is around he seems so interested and I worry to what extent his pretence of interest would be if I wasn't there to take her away when he ignores her.

I also worry that as she grows up she'll pick up on his attitude and feel it's ok to treat people the same as her brother so clearly gets away with it.

I've told Dh I've had enough and he needs to find a way to solve it, and I don't want to be that sm that says hes not welcome anymore but I'm at my wits end. His mum has made things so hard for us for years and now hes growing up and almost acting like his mum that it worries me. 



Harry's picture

He is not parenting his DS.  You go into your bedroom. They get what they want. Alone time go play together.

If DH does not have your back,  There is little you can do, except fight constantly.   That no way to live.  Time to have that talk with DH, either he gets his DS to become a person or it's time to start an exit plan.  Because this is going to be the way he wants it. 
And how can you live with someone who you have no respect for 

Peach's picture

Your DH has to be on board to parent his child.  If he is not, nothing will change.  It is out of your control.

OverIt100's picture

Its difficult for me to blame my DH as I've heard the talks he has with SS and I've seen him confiscate games and phones and tell SS to apologise. However, the problem is SS will go home and tell his mum who will then call DH and make threats or send an email which is practically a dissertation. 

She undermines what he tells SS and SS and his mum have repeatedly said they don't have to listen to DH as hes just a fun time weekend dad. I know how much this upsets him which is why I try to just avoid contact in order to limit confrontation or awkwardness. 

I'm getting tired of being understanding and uncomfortable and don't know what to do. I've seen DH try but what good does it make if he's undermined by SS main care giver? I don't want more custody than we have I'm fine with having him over the weekends but maybe that's where I'm going wrong? If we had him more often it would diminish the power she has but it would mean I'd be miserable for a while until DH could nip this bad behaviour. 

My main priority is me and my baby girl, if I'm not comfortable with him around her having him for longer periods of time would worry me.

I'm just unsure what the right thing for everyone in this scenario is. Maybe I should just tell husband to spend time with his son elsewhere rather than in my home.

Cover1W's picture

DH can stand up for his household. There are several members here who will respond I'm sure.

There's no winning against BM. He needs to make it clear the expectations at your home and hold him to them. That's it. There's behavior expectations, library, restaurants, etc. There's authority figures everywhere too.

You cannot parent your SS and you can disengage. Start slow...stop cooking dinner on weekends for instance. The disengagement forum is a good resource. It doesn't need to be all at once, but a gradual reduction of your help. And you don't need to discuss it with your DH. Just stick to the facts...ex: DH since SS refuses to eat the food I cook for the family, when he is with us, you need to be the one cooking. I will not help with that any longer due to SS attitude.

notarelative's picture

I've caught him pretending to sleep so not to deal with her in the car or ignoring her when she crawls to him to play

SS is 12. DD is seven months. That's a big age range. A seven month old is more interested in a 12 year old than a 12 year old is in a 7 month old. 

You and DH are paying too much attention to BM. BM writes a dissertation, DH should ignore it. BM calls, let it go to voicemail. Answer only necessary things in a brief matter of fact matter by text or email. Very few things actually require a conversation. BM will be late for pick up, 'noted, thanks for letting me know'. Complaints about your house, do not reply or email reply, 'email/ voicemail received'. Stop letting BM into your head.

Picardy III's picture

Yeah, ignoring a baby's bids to play, or pretending to sleep so as not to deal with her: sounds pretty normal for a preteen brother. Not that he shouldn't be reminded to be kind to her and take responsibility for helping her - but that's a far cry from the malicious behavior some half siblings show to the newcomer baby. I wouldn't worry about the baby's well-being around him.

OverIt100's picture

Thank you for all your advice I will definitely take it onboard and learn to disengage so that it doesn't drive me crazy! I've definitely been trying to be the nice guy in the situation as I understand for skids having new parents and kids in that dynamic can be difficult but it's not my situation to sort out. I will step back and leave the whole circus they've got going on alone its not my problem to manage and I should remember that!

thiscantbenormal's picture

There is a 3 year gap between my SDs and SS.  SS has a nasty Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde type of personality.  While my SDs may have their issues and lie for their mom, they are nicer than their brother.

There is a 7 year gap between my half sister and I, we were raised by the same 2 parents and we are worlds apart.


OverIt100's picture

I guess all you can do is try to raise your kids and let the chips fall where they end up. There's a big age gap between me and my siblings and we are all wildly different.