All this drama the last 10 years has led me down a dark path of alcoholism. I hope you all find a better way to cope than I did by drinking.
Anyway, I got my 30 day coin today and my life has improved a lot. DH really likes me, my head is clearer and I'm learning how to cope a lot better.
Ew, so i'm cleaning up the 17 x 15 room that ss17 used as his "evil lair" and came across a jar of liquid with cigarrette butts in it....ewwww. there were frosted mini wheats, captain crunch and pretzels like crushed in the carpet.
so today, i powered up the old phone that he had used, i thought maybe my grandma could use it...one of our many cell lines...anyway, it had all these SICK texts between ss17 and his 14 yo girlfriend about how she didn't try hard enough to make him happy and how she should appreciate everything he did for her........it was soooo psycho.
I just got the courage to tackle the game room after ss17 took it over last fall. Since he moved out, I've been unwilling to go in there. I put my weight set back together and got my treadmill set back up (he took everything apart because he didn't "like" the bedroom we gave him.
I'm finally able to get excited about having my home back. I just couldn't face going up there and reclaim the space until now. Probably PTSD, haha, like a lot of steppers.
It builds up over time and it creates insanity in our relationships. It makes us get so upset that we start having all kinds of problems. It's good that we can come and get it out, deal with our feelings and move on.
Since yall have helped me deal with so much, I have been able to move to the next phase and deal with my alcohol problem. I have discovered intherooms, a support site for people with addiction problems. Anyway...I'm sober and I'm loving it.
i was banned from ever communicating with him again and he starts texting me about his phone and some ringtones. then he calls me about it and was really nice. i'm like....wtf, his dad said he hated my guts.
sometimes i think dh just wants me to feel bad for no good reason. i was nothing but nice to ss17 when he lived here and there was no reason for dh to be an asshole like was and make me feel bad for everything that happened.
days like this i want to walk away and never come back.
i didn't drink before i met dh, now 10 years later, i find that i have become very attached to alcohol. i like to drown my sorrows in it. i like to drink it to shut my thoughts up.
i haven't drank in 8 days. i'm having nightmares and constant thoughts of drinking again. i wonder if i can really make it 2 days until the AA meeting i'm thinking of attending.
facing a life without alcohol seems unlikely at this point. this is so not who i am, its who i've become through all this stress. i'm just tired of doing the same old thing and getting the same old results.
wouldn't a lot of our problems be resolved if our s/os would have respect for us? we wouldn't sit around bleeding from the torture and lack of communication. we would have a firm foothold for dealing with our situations.
i think my dh is responsible for the lack of respect his 2 boys have for me. apparently i have become the monster devil stepmother and they hate me. of course they do, they were never required to do anything else. now ss20 and ss17 use me as the excuse for not liking their dad. well, they like their dad's money alright and that is IT!
Since I haven't been paying attention, the days are flying by! It's only 130 more days until the last skid turns 18.
Recent victories include:
1. getting along with dh for an entire week without mentioning skids/bm
2. not letting sd dump her dog on me, drop into my life and screw up my day
3. surviving the financial crunch....of not having enough money to pay off all the bills
I'm not even mad at BM today because I haven't had to talk about or think about her or the stupid skids in like weeks. (except sd, but i cut those apron strings).
Today I was having a happy friday when sd21 texts me and tells me she and her boyfriend are getting drunk at 10 am.
She calls me about 3 to let me know she was REALLy having a fun time finding all the alcohol in her house. (I asked her not to drive anywhere).
Later, while I am cooking dinner, she sends me a picture message.....of her PUKE!
So she calls me again and tells me that "at least that one was outside" then she said "remember those boots you got me for Christmas? I had to puke in one of them to save the carpet."
Update: ss20 didn't make his $300 payment so DH went to the bank and got $300 out for me to buy my text books.
The bottom line is, I get really tired of the skid family taking advantage of DH. I gave the kid $2K toward his truck of my money. So why do I feel so bad about it?
Why can't DH see that I only care about him being constantly used for his money?
update: (guess who left 3 100$ bills on the kitchen table....DH) and he's acting pissy!