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Update 2 - (Trigger) Abuse by SS14

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Just to update you all who have been following along.

DH continues to blame me for this entire mess, and believes that SS is innocent. He believes that LO4 lied. He has been attempting to make life uncomfortable for everyone - continual snide remarks, interrogations, waking me up early to talk right then and there. I largely ignore. It's not worth having the same fight with him or even engaging this loser of a man. SD18 is taking this whole thing personally, and has been rude to the rest of the family. Because everything inevitable is about her.  Fortunately, she has been spending most of her time with her Mom. She returns to school soon, thankfully. For a while we thought she was going to fail out but she fortunately made it through and will be gone in a week.

We have an appointment for LO4 with a therapist (next week) and it can't come soon enough. This past weekend, I negotiated with DH that he would take SS and SD away so that LOs and I could stay home. SS14 is not scheduled to be back at our house for two weeks. This gives me enough time to get the rooms switched (SS's room will be downstairs in the finished basement), and the door alarms and cameras installed. The door alarms are small and discreet. The cameras I'm still deciding on but I will get something installed before SS returns. And hopefully, the therapist will suggest that we maintain separate residences for SS and LOs. But if that doesn't happen, or if DH still fights it, I need to maintain separation, security and constant supervision in the home.

DH is having a hissy fit over the need to switch rooms, because it might seem to SS that he's being punished and that SD will lose her ensuite bedroom-bathroom. I rolled my eyes at his little fit. The room switch is happening. I told DH that if he doesn't help me move everything, I will hire movers to do the lifting up and down the stairs. I just can't even with this guy.

My mother has been coming on the weekends to back me up and my father gave DH a lecture. They both told DH that they would be watching SS and ensuring LOs safety, since he was failing to make that a priority as their father. So, now DH is going to be stuck with his mother-in-law, at a minimum, every time SS is in the home (and that's assuming that we don't make other provisions for SS).

Comments

momjeans's picture

I forget. Did you have your LO physically examined?

Yeah, I just cannot imagine having a DH who reacts like this. It’s so gross. I hope you and LO break free of these extremely toxic people ASAP. 

Disneyfan's picture

I agree that your husband is completely wrong here, but  your parents are also.  There's nothing stopping your husband from kicking your mother out of his home.  

At this point one of you need to throw in the towel and walk away.  No one can watch SS 24/7.  Cameras won't prevent him from harming your son again.  They will just provide evidence when he does.

 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

If he wants to attempt to kick my mother out, he's free to try.

While I could "throw in the towel", me walking away will allow DH to bring SS around LOs. DH will get unsupervised custody at this point.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I understand your fear is that if you leave DH, then he will have visitation with LO and you will not be there to protect LO. Would he want visitation? If you offered to walk away with full custody and no support, would he do it? I feel like your situation is such that you might have to take drastic action at some point.

In the meantime, if your DH continues to support SS at LO's expense, I would consider trying to get a restraining order against SS. Make DH see him outside the home.

And good for your parents. Mine would respond the same and I would welcome their support.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

My father asked me that recently - would DH let me and LOs move, with me having full custody and him having supervised visits, if I agreed to no support. The truth is that I don't think DH would ever let that happen. While he doesn't enjoy LOs that much, he loves the appearance of being father of the year. So he will take his custody time, even if he has to pawn LOs off on a sitter or his parents, but even worse, on SS.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

That is how I thought he would be, given how you have described him. Keep it mind though, in case you end up with no other way out.

WTF...REALLY's picture

you’re doing a good job doing everything possible for your son. I understand why you’re not just divorcing him right away. Because then he would get his son part time and have even more private access for his son to hurt your son. Keep going mama. You’re strong. You got this. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Is there anyway you can get some more legal advice either free or paid for? I feel like you have been let down, and I really feel for you and your little boy. I guess the states have certain legislation, but maybe you could challenge it later on if you feel he will force you into a corner.  I’m not judging, I’m not in your situation.. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

More legal advice seems to be the general thought. I did email both another lawyer in the area (she wants a retainer to even talk) and a lawyer friend, who I was hesitant telling due to her closeness to my family. But, this is actually her specialty...

Harry's picture

Your parents to talk with a lawer to really see where you stand,  and what you can and can not do.  It would be well worth the money.  You really have no choice since DH is being such a as* and protecting SS. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

At this point, you've decided the marriage is over, correct? So rein in your parents a bit, and give your H more rope. Document everything. Get those cameras in, and record  him berating you. Have convos in the phone, and record him baring his ass. Gather  every bit of ammo you can, while you can.

justmakingthebest's picture

This is very good advice. Also, instead of your parents coming there, could you send your little's to them on those weekends? 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

and i will go with LOs some weekends too. I work all week, so I don't like the idea of shipping the LOs off,only to send them back to daycare monday mornings Sad

justmakingthebest's picture

No, that would not be ideal.... but nothing about what your SS has done is. Nothing about what your husband has done either. Now your kids will continued to be punished. It is wrong on sooooo many levels.

I hope that you can get through a resolution quickly that will keep them safe. I asked you before, and I don't remember seeing the answer. What does BM have to say about all of this??

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I'm gathering as much as possible. I feel good about having photocopied all the documents last weekend, so now my parents have a copy of everything. That to me feels like I have a safety net..

ItsGrowingOld's picture

I really feel for you and the horrific situation you and your LO's are in.  Be safe and keep your LO's safe. 

One of my older brothers sexually molested me for years.  Years later, I found out our "dad" had been sexually molesting him since he was a very young boy as well as one other brother.  Your SS's sexual behaviour, IMHO, is learned beahviour.  What male in SS's life do you think could be abusing him?  Could it have been your husband?  There's a reason your husband is reacting the way he is.  He is not having normal reactions to the situation.