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(Trigger) Abuse by SS14

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I can't believe I'm writing this. DH has forbid me from talking with anyone in my real life about this, other than the authorities involved. So I am writing here to get some perspective and clarity. I have discussed with my parents, despite DH's "warning" to me; I was willing to go against DH's wishes because I needed the support... and also a place to stay (I'll explain more below)

A few weeks ago, my toddler (LO age 4) disclosed that he had been sexually abused by his older half-brother, SS14. The extent of it seems to be grabbing, touching and discussing what teen boys often do with their private parts. I was in disbelief at first. I took LO to the pediatrician, who confirmed what LO disclosed to me (using drawings, anatomically correct dolls, age-appropriate conversation). After we got home from the appointment, I informed DH of what LO4 reported and the pediatrician's requirement of filing an official report. We now have protective services involved, and they have since interviewed LO.

DH is furious with me for bringing LO to the doc. I apologized for not discussing it beforehand with him. I asked if DH would have been in agreement about bring LO to the doc, and he said no, and that he would have forbid me from going. I suspected as much, which is why I brought LO on my own.

Life has been a living hell with DH. I had to take both LOs away from the house last week while SS14 was visiting, per the recommendation of protective services, so that LO and SS would be separated. My parents know and thus I have other places to stay and their support. This week, SS14 will be told of the abuse claim and interviewed by authorities. DH has berated me nonstop, saying that I have ruined SS14's life, that he as the father could have handled this, that no one can tell him how to raise his kids, and that if SS hurts himself (history of depression), that it will be all my fault. Further, he claims that our LO was probably lying and that I more than likely made it all up (as in coached LO) to get rid of SS.

I have stayed surprisingly calm. I have not engaged other than to say that SS needs help, that I never wanted to get rid of him, that I am scared that SS relationship with LO will never be the same, and that I think SS needs help on many levels, this issue being primary. I have also remained firm that DH and I are not equipped to handled this ourselves; we need outside help.

I understand that DH is hurting and scared, hence my efforts to stay calm and not tick him off further. I believe DH knows that SS needs significant help and has for years, and that he feels guilt for not addressing other issues in the past, such as inappropriate comments, odd behaviors, and bullying by classmates. I think that DH is lashing out at me, as he has always done, when he feels guilt or shame.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before?

Comments

beebeel's picture

Your DH is a fool and a shit father. Covering up sexual abuse in a family is loathsome and your son will hate him AND his brother for it.

You need to keep your babies the hell away from them.

Iamwoman's picture

This^^

May I add that your DH “forbidding” you from anything is abuse in the form of power, control, and intimidation.

Has he no regard for the other children?

If I were you, I would document everything DH says and does. Every conversation. Every phone call. Every piece of material evidence. Every doctor note from the toddlers doctors. Every piece of material evidence from protective services.

Then, I would divorce DH, take him to court, and hopefully keep him away from the toddlers for life. He is a piece of garbage, and a horrible excuse for a father.

justmakingthebest's picture

I can't agree more with Beebeel. I am in shock that your husband wouldn't want your child checked by a doctor for abuse if it was EVER suspected. 

I have been preaching the importance of marriage this morning but this is where the line in the sand is for me. FORBID you from seeking help?? FORBID you from contacting the authorities to keep your child safe?? F&%$ that noise. 

I would have taken my bios and left to my mother's and not come back. There is no way. I would make sure that CPS and the police know that your husband wanted sexual abuse covered up. I would make sure that he only had supervised visitation of my kids and that they were never in the same room with SS again- EVER. 

What does BM say about this?

AlmostGone83's picture

Your LO was sexually abused by SS.

You confirmed it and took the appropriate action to protect him from SS. (Good for you btw!!)

Your husband is angry at YOU and not SS. (Because he’s more afraid of losing SS than he is of losing you and LO)

Why are you still in that house? Go stay with your parents, friends, anyone. Your husband is showing you where his loyalties lie and that he is willing to let your child be abused by his if it means he won’t lose his son. 

Disgusting. I would have no respect for that man if I were you. 

 

tog redux's picture

OMG, move out immediately. Your DH is willing to put your little one in danger to protect his older son.  CPS could (and should) remove your younger son for you and DH not taking action to protect him from his brother (if you hadn't).  And sooner or later, SS14 will molest another child.

This would be a total dealbreaker for me, and one that included nothing but supervised visits for DH. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I just wrote a response about this.... if DH does attempt to bring SS into the house, then I will either call the authorities, or remove LOs for the exact reasons you wrote above. There can be no contact despite what DH wants and thinks he can handle.

Petronella's picture

Go to your parents and file for divorce. There is no coming back from this. 

If you stay with your husband you run the risk of losing your children.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I took emotionally abusive crap from my exDH for a few years, but when I had to report him for abuse and neglect of my then 2 yo DS, I filed for divorce.  I was told my CPS that if I did not remove DS from the home and away from exDH immediately I risked being charged myself and losing him.  Even IF DH were to agreed not to have SS ever come into contact with your DS, do you want DS living in a home with an adult who does not believe his account of sexual abuse?  That is seriously damaging in and of itself.  Your DS needs to be allowed to heal around people who love, care, and truly listen to him.  I'm sorry to say I agree with Petronella on this...there really is no way to come back from this one and stay in that house with that man and/or SS.  I'm very sorry this happend for both you and your son.

MurphysLaw's picture

Your husband reaction to this is…terrifying.

To be honest, I believe that it is very possible what your husband is angry/afraid of is that your SS will tell authorities another “family secret”.

I suggest you prepare yourself. 

ETA:

Okay, I’ve just looked over your previous posts, You are the poster who’s DH took his 18 yo daughter on a Daddee-Daughter Vacation to Cancun & stayed in the same room together etc…

Quick question, what exactly is it going to take for you to get the hell out of this completely sick relationship/ family?

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

We are there. There is no coming back from this. See last post... lawyer has been called.

Nette5's picture

The difference in my case was that my husband supported me, even though it meant SS went to state treatment & we rarely saw SD (different BM). In the end, we ended up with custody of my SS after treatment because his BM was worthless in getting him the treatment he needed. 

Yes, the abuse was reported in our case & I don't regret it. I don't think my husband regrets it either. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - he should WANT his older son to get treatment, not to sweep it under the rug. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Just as a point of clarification, the boys have not seen each other since LO reported it, and I have told DH that it's not going to be possible for the forseeable future, unless its under strict supervision. DH has also been warned by social services that in addition to it being common sense to separate the boys, that he and I could also be charged with neglect if we allow it. So he has been told on multiple fronts what his responsibilities are.

Despite that, DH is trying every which way to have contact be allowed. Including trying to wear me down. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I am disgusted.

I called the attorney that I met with a while back, and I have a meeting with him next week - Wednesday is the earliest opening he has. Basically, what I need to find out from this attorney is if DH and I separate, what are the chances of requiring DH to have supervised visitation, such that he doesn't allow SS14 and LOs together. I typed everything up in an email to the attorney, and I'm hoping that despite his busy schedule this week, he might be able to give some quick feedback.

Maybe I should call around for other attorneys? I really like this one, and he has all my background history from my last meeting with him, so I'd prefer to stick with him.

MurphysLaw's picture

If you can, try to record the conversations with him stating he wants to “reunite” the children.

This guy is sick beyond words.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, please be strategic and gather as much documentation and damning proof against your H as possible. You need to ensure that your bios will be protected IN THE FUTURE, and know you can't rely on your disgusting H to do it.

Monkeysee's picture

I’m so glad you’ve contacted your lawyer. Your H’s behaviour is beyond disturbing & he’s made it exceptionally clear that his loyalties lie in protecting his older son.

I’m so sorry you & your LO’s are going through this. Your SS needs help, I’ve got no words for your H. He’s a horrible father and I pray you get supervised visitation. 

justmakingthebest's picture

If your attorney is busy it is good and bad. 

Good- He has clients so he is worth something

Bad- He may not be able to get you what you want/need right away.

If you are comfortable, stick with him, but it wouldn't hurt to get another consultation or 2.

DPW's picture

"Despite that, DH is trying every which way to have contact be allowed. Including trying to wear me down. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I am disgusted."

As you should be. My own mother made me face, and spend time with, my stepfather after everything came out that he had molested me for years and the authorities were involved. I have never forgiven her for that and she's dead now. Stay strong. Your husband is disordered, to put it mildly. He will continue to wear you down but you need to stay strong. Rely on others like your parents for support. It would be a tremendous gift for them to help you through this. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

This is disturbing as heck. I am so sorry. I don't think you can remain married. Your husband is putting your whole family at risk. I can't believe he is mad that you took your son to the doctor. Stay with your parents as long as you need to. They seem supportive. 

Gimlet's picture

WTF, Scotty.  I can't even comprehend this.  Your husband is willing to sweep the abuse of his own child under the rug to protect his other child and assuage his own guilt at knowing that he's failed him.  So instead of failing one kid, he's going to fail two and allow your LO to be traumatized.  And he would be because this wouldn't just stop on its own and your husband is IN NO WAY qualified to provide SS with the help he needs.

Not only would I not keep my mouth shut, I would leave and immediately file whatever it is you need to file to ensure that your husband doesn't get anything but supervised visitation.  He has proven himself to be an unfit father.   How dare he forbid you from talking about this???

He needs to focus on getting SS the help he needs.  I'm so sorry this happened to you and LO.  You know what you need to do. 

((Hugs))

 

advice.only2's picture

Why is your DH so adamant to keep these kids together minus adult supervision. It reads like your DH is trying to perpetuate this...that's worse than SS abusing your son.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H is a piece of work and glad that you took your child to be checked by the Pediatrician. I can't imagine why your H would berate you when you did the right thing. You were protecting your child and what H needs to do is get his son seen to see if he's been sexually molested. Kids tend to re-enact what has been done to them so there is no telling what SS14 may have experienced that he's doing it to his baby brother. What exactly did your H have in mind by taking care of it himself? He's sacrificing the wellbeing of his youngest child by not addressing SS14.

You have not ruined SS14's life, your H is by not stepping up and handling this very disturbing situation. I can't imagine your marriage surviving this. Please think hard on how you want to move forward and thank goodness you have your parents that you can fall back on until you get yourself together should you choose to leave this marriage. Protect your babies at all cost!

ESMOD's picture

Now,  I can see how your husband might have wanted to know so that he had a chance to do some investigation on his own and potentially get some help for his son without escalating it immediately to the legal system and getting his kid a "record".

But, his response indicates.. he would have attempted to sweep it under the rug.. so you did the right thing.

 

futurobrillante99's picture

A relative molested my eldest child at age 5. I was pregnant with DS23 when I found out. I took eldest to the dr, the dr reported it, son was interviewed and it was "substantiated." DA wanted to prosecute. Relative lawyered up. DA wanted my 5 year old to testify in front of his abuser. I would not allow it as the kid was traumatized and had recanted (but only to me and his dad). He still told interviewers what the relative did to him, but to me, he would say it didn't happen. He wanted me to be happy again.

I decided to drop it and exclude the whole family from my life. They all sided with the relative.

My XH1 is conflict avoidant and decided that because son recanted to us, it wasn't true. XH1 was NOT supportive of me and thought I was overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. It was MY family I was willing to walk away from - MY relative who did this act. But he didn't like conflict.

Not a chance, dude. It's a damned good thing. DS23 was non-verbal for SEVEN years. If I had gone with XH1's cowardly suggestions, the relative would have had free reign on a non-verbal autistic kid.

futurobrillante99's picture

And let me just add here that there is NO man, NO love interest in this world and NO relationship I would continue with someone who threatens the safety of my children.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

There is nothing left to salvage in the relationship.

Kes's picture

Your husband is deep in denial and good for you in not colluding with his refusal to accept what has happened.  You are NOT ruining your SS's life, this is crap.  You are protecting your child.  Pls keep us updated and use this site for support in your journey from here on.  

Although I have experience of abuse cases in my professional life, only one in my personal life. My sister in law's younger sister was married to a man who abused her two children.  He was their step father.   She was told by social services that the children couldn't live with him any more.  She chose to give them to their bio father and stayed with the abuser!  how mad is that?  Shakes head in disgust. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Wow Kes, that's some foul sh!t. Hope the kids are doing well and thriving with their bio father.

STaround's picture

Of course the kids will not have a good relationship.  Duh.  Thank god  you have parents to help you.  I hope you can get supervised visiation.

GrabitAndGo's picture

Your husband is a vile, disgusting POS.  He's still trying for contact between your DS and his abuser?  That's sick.  Effing sick.  Pose this question to him:  If anyone else had abused your DS the way your SS did, would he ever, in a million years, expect your DS be around that person again?  See what his response to that would be.

You did the right thing taking your child to the doctor, and you're doing the right thing in protecting him.  How has your husband been treating your DS since he found out about the abuse?

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Absolutely well done for protecting your child. Please don’t let your partner manipulate you. 

 

Aniki's picture

Others have covered everything. Move out ASAP, get a divorce, and make keep SS away from you and yours. Frankly, with his ridiculous UNDER-reaction, I think your 'Dipshidiot'H should be allowed SUPERVISED visitation only. 

I must say... with your H's LACK of reaction to what SS did and that he would have handled it himself, it makes me wonder if he was sexually abused by a family member when he was younger and forced to conceal it or not discuss it. Of if he, himself, is a predator. Disgustingly disturbing.

Monkeysee's picture

I was wondering if her H could be a predator as well with how he’s reacted. He’s absolutely vile for thinking this is ok.

Siemprematahari's picture

it makes me wonder if he was sexually abused by a family member when he was younger and forced to conceal it or not discuss it. Of if he, himself, is a predator.

Aniki~ my thoughts EXACTLY!!!

Disneyfan's picture

I wonder if you can file a police report against your SS.  If so, perhaps the report (along with document fom CPS and the doctor)will be force family court to implement supervised visitation.

Another option would be to file neglect charges against husband.  If CPS finds out he's trying to reunite the kids, then they may deem him unfit.  That will result in him only having supervised visitation until he jumps through all of the hoops that CPS will toss in his path.

The last option won't work if you are trying to salvage your marriage.  Honestly, I don't see how you can stand to look at your husband, much less remain married to him.

Good luck to you and your little ones.

 

Oh, DO NOT KEEP SILENT.  Your family and friends deserve to know what happened so that they can protect their children.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I am going to email the attorney about this. Right now, I am in an absolute panic worrying that DH will somehow allow SS14 and LOs to be together without supervision. But if I can file neglect charges, that could enforce boundaries that need to be in place.

ETA: The county law enforcement are already looking into charges against SS, so I *think* that part is coveredd, but I will followup. I think the first step is the interview this week with SS before they can figure out if the actions are chargeable.

Gimlet's picture

I agree.  

I would usually never say this, but I would pull out all the stops to make sure that miserable sack of shit had as little access to the children as possible.  I hope your lawyer is a mean ass shark.

Gimlet's picture

OP's husband.  While I think what SS did is abhorrent, I would imagine he needs help and didn't get this way on his own.

Husband had made it clear he cares more about his image than either of his sons. 

Aniki's picture

That sack of sh!t of a husband definitely needs a double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. And a kick in the damn head.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I have to agree with Gimmie. The father's behavior stinks to high heaven, and makes me wonder how deep this sickness goes in his family? There have been too many instances of odd behavior concerning appropriate physical boundaries being ignored, like some sort of Deliverance backwoods hillbilly clan. Still, I'll repeat myself and say I think the OP needs to be very strategic about this and gather as much ammo as possible to put before the court.

Hugs to you, Scotty. Please be smart and stay strong.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Why is DH protecting his older son at the expense of his younger son?

Because he's a narcissist and a mysoginist. He cares about appearances to the outside world more than anything. He would rather rugsweep than admit there are issues. He wants to control everything and everyone. Based on appearances, he is tall, good-looking (like a Christopher Reeves), successful in business, from a "well-to-do family". He and his father are used to getting attention and accolades for their successes in their respective businesses. DH thinks this should all translate into deference by me when it comes to our family, and by others when it comes to.... any subject really.  He can be incredibly charming and manipulative. Not to give myself a pass on this one, but I fell for his charm early on and it tooks years before I figured out who he was and how he works. 

SteppedOut's picture

Do not feel shame for falling for a monster. They hide their true self under that mask of charisma, sometimes for years. The monster slowly creeps up and when you realize it, you are so entangled it takes time to escape. Escape. Because that is exactly what you have to do. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I have wondered about this, but have no proof. I did ask, and DH was "highly offended". So there's that. He's not going to admit anything. There is a chance that someone on SS's mother's side of the family could have done this to SS. But again, unless SS speaks up, we won't know.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Given how you describe your H, you really need to have solid ammo against him - vms, recordings etc of him trying to get you to allow your son to be around his abuser. If your H cares so much about appearances, be prepared to use that against him. Gather your evidence, then file for divorce and threaten to expose the ugliness if you have to.

SteppedOut's picture

Yep. Your soon to be ex might not even try (or want) for visitation, because the thought of things coming to light in court.

My formerSO's son tried to hurt my babyBS as frequently as possible. I gtfo. My formerSO does not see our son (ever) because of this. I 100% would have gone for supervised visitation and he knew it. 

shamds's picture

If he had handled the parenting well then this abuse would have never happened because its wrong and sickly disturbing.

you have every right to tell your parents of the situation especially if they are nearby that you can get to quickly if there was an emergency and you knew they would help support and protect your little one

its a crime to not report abuse of a child... with the excuse i can handle it myself... friggin ridiculous 

next time hubby breaks the rules the police/authorities stated, report him. This marriage is doomed and with what has happened, i don’t see you both being able to get past this. You need to report hubby because in the event this marriage is finished, your child cannot be in the same home as his abuser

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

DH just phoned me. His latest comment: "I hope that little $hit knows that he's permanently destroyed his family." What a horrible excuse for a father and human being.

I am shaking I am so mad.

Yet another thing to tell the lawyer in my email today, which I hadn't even finished drafting from earlier suggestions.

ETA: DH was referring to our 4 year old. Not the 14 year who abused him.

ksmom14's picture

I'm hoping he was referring to SS when he said that not your DS4?! But based on your reaction, I'm assuming it's the other way around. How disturbing...I'm glad at least you've got your head on straight during this sh#$ show

Monkeysee's picture

He said this about the 4 year old?? Never mind his 14 year old who sexually abused his brother, lets blame the toddler. What a POS. I hope your lawyer’s a shark, this guy deserves to get nailed.

Gimlet's picture

OMG .  He's a four year old boy who was molested.  

Your husband is sick.  Really sick.  I hope he never sees "that little $hit" ever again.  Seriously, f *ck him to Hell and back.   

This breaks my heart for you and your son and makes me so angry with your husband.  

Aniki's picture

EFF THAT. 

If it were me, I would tell my boss I have an emergency and have to leave. I would head straight to a shark of an attorney and file for divorce. I'm so sorry, Scotty. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

justmakingthebest's picture

What. The. Hell?????????

the 4 yr old is now to blame for being sexually abused by his brother. You need an RO against both of them for you and your children.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh, dear Lord. How awful.

Going forward, you should be recording all of your convos. 

SteppedOut's picture

YES. 

Just make sure it is legal to record without the other person's permission. Different states have different laws on this.

GrabitAndGo's picture

VA where the OP lives is a two-party state - she would have to let her DH know she was recording any conversation.  

§ 8.01-420.2. Limitation on use of recorded conversations as evidence.

No mechanical recording, electronic or otherwise, of a telephone conversation shall be admitted into evidence in any civil proceeding unless (i) all parties to the conversation were aware the conversation was being recorded or (ii) the portion of the recording to be admitted contains admissions that, if true, would constitute criminal conduct which is the basis for the civil action, and one of the parties was aware of the recording and the proceeding is not one for divorce, separate maintenance or annulment of a marriage. The parties' knowledge of the recording pursuant to clause (i) shall be demonstrated by a declaration at the beginning of the recorded portion of the conversation to be admitted into evidence that the conversation is being recorded. This section shall not apply to emergency reporting systems operated by police and fire departments and by emergency medical services agencies, nor to any communications common carrier utilizing service observing or random monitoring pursuant to § 19.2-62.

SteppedOut's picture

Shit. I was hoping that wasn't the case, but it is good for her to know... 

OP, try to get communication moved to text (remove his name from your phone so only the number shows) or email (email may seem odd, until you split - try not to tip him off to what you are doing).

MurphysLaw's picture

Are you feckin kidding me???!!!

I would not care if it was a “3 Party State with signed notary!

 I would be recording EVERYTHING that POS said! I don’t care if I could “use it in court” or not …but I sure could use it to threaten that bastard with! That I would be plastering ALL OVER EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA OUTLET there was if he ever even THOUGHT about visitation with my children. Period!

GrabitAndGo's picture

Yes, OP could do that, but it would end up being an empty threat.  From what we're learning about her DH today, he just might find a way to turn it back on her, and try to get her in legal trouble.  

I'm not saying I wouldn't record every syllable this guy says if I were in OP's shoes, I'm just pointing out what VA state law is.  Hopefully her attorney will point her in the right direction on matters such as this.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My state is a two-party state. However, transcripts of recorded convos are allowed in court.

OP needs legal guidance.

GrabitAndGo's picture

RIght, but both parties have to be aware they are being recorded, correct?  You couldn't record a conversation with me without my knowledge, then try to use that as part of litigation.  That's what the VA statute is saying.  

shamds's picture

a helpless 4 year old who can’t protect himself and sexually abused by a 14yr old half sibling (who should be protecting him), is apparently at fault for all this. I don’T see your 4 yr old ever wanting a relationship with his dad. 

get out and stay out and nail hubbys arse in court. Any written communication you have where he told you to not report it, hand to the lawyer, he needs to be held accountable just like his son...

Siemprematahari's picture

"I hope that little $hit knows that he's permanently destroyed his family."

And by that little sh!t is he referencing his own YOUNGER child who was defenceless when this happened?? All bets are off I'd have his @ss and he'll feel my wrath unlike ANYTHING he's ever experienced before. Remain strong OP, I know we're all upset for you but in the end I know this is difficult and you are the one left dealing with this.

Wishing you strength!

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Thank you everyone for the support. It helps tremendously.

This last comment by DH... I am just in shock he would say that about his child...yet I probably shouldn't be that surprised.   I am going to take a walk outside so as not to cry in the middle of my office. i have to work until 5 today, but will spend some time finishing the email to the attorney and updating my documentation - there is a gap in between the time I last met with the attorney and now.

WTF...REALLY's picture

 You’re doing everything correct to protect your child.

Stay strong.

You have a hard journey ahead but you must stay on this path and protect your child.

Your husband can go fuck himself.

Everyone here would gladly tar and feather him for you, in public....just to really show the world who this “charming” ass is. 

Kes's picture

Just unbelievable DH would say that about a 4 yr old.   He sounds like a malignant narcissist par excellence, only concerned with appearances and his own reputation.  I'm sure he doesn't even really care for SS14, only how it reflects upon him. 

Take good care of yourself, my dear.  The reaction here will show you how much support you have.  Try and muster some support from folks IRL as well.  You don't say whether you have any family support on your side of the family.  I hope you have, plus a few good friends. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I have my parents for support, as well as one of my younger brothers. They are a solid source of support. All are fortunately within driving distance. None are within commuting distance to my office or daycare, so if I do move out, I will need to find a place to live. Or somehow convince DH to leave so as to not uproot LOs. That would honestly be my preference but I will leave, of course, if I need to.

I have several very close girlfriends, and I think it's time to let them know what's happening. It's been awful, and felt wrong, keeping this so hush hush.

bananaseedo's picture

They always say posession is 9/10th of the law-I would be very careful leaving the marital home if you want to keep it.  YOu've been able to keep the kids apart for now right?  

You may need an order or protection for your child from the SS AND his own father-that would get him out of the house.  Time to call your reinforcements (friends) for help and support.  He's admitted he would not protect his child....should give you what you need.

Yeah, glad you're drafting up e-mail to attorney-hopefully he can get you in sooner.

justmakingthebest's picture

I would leave. That house is where bad things happened to you child. Start new, start fresh.

bananaseedo's picture

I think waiting for an attorney you like and respect is fine.  You won't gain anythign by filing this week vs next-just gives you more time to accumulate more of his stupidity.  Make copies of those screenshots, record any conversations, etc.  If it were me I'd be tempted to share with his family that last text he wrote about his own kid.....and his friends- and I would destroy his 'image' business or otherwise.

 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

His parents are more the type to rugsweep and blame the victim. For example, right before the Kavanaugh hearings, before Dr. Fords testimony, they 100% aligned with Kavanaugh. Just on principle because in their minds, it's always the men who are wrongfully accused by the "devious womenfolk", and its the women who trick and seduce men into bad behavior.

So yah, anyone seeing that apple falling pretty darn close to that effed up tree?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, don't say anything to his family. Let this continue to play out for as long as possible, and record all of your H's poisonous cr@p. It will be solid gold when you ask for a restraining order for your kids. Let him hang himself.

Personally, I wouldnt even consider supervised visitation because that gives him a foot in the door and he can petition for more and more time. Much better to gather evidence that he is a threat to your bios and seek to block him completely. I am a huge Father's Rights advocate, but in your case feel you would be justified in pursuing the nuclear option.

Aniki's picture

^^All of this. Please make sure that attorney will nail that lowlife masquerading as a man's arse to the proverbial wall in EVERY way. Supervised or NO visitation, absolutely NO contact with SS, etc.'

Scotty, I don't know how you have tolerated staying married to that POS, knowing that he's a narc and a misongynist. What Hell. Please please please find a therapist/counselor. You need it and your child needs it. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Good question. I haven't addressed it in this thread (only older ones). I stayed because I didn't trust DH with LOs. He half-arse parents, and I felt that until the LOs were old enough to verbalize any concerns they have, I didn't want them to be stuck in a bad situation without a stable parent. And until now, I was fairly certain that DH would get ATLEAST every other weekend if we separated. I wasn't willing to risk the LOs well-being.

Now... now it's a different story.

My therapist is the main reason I've been able to cope for this long, in addition to friends/familial support.

I will also add, it took me years to understand the dynamic. Gaslighting, deflecting, manipulating, passive agressiveness... I really thought for a long time that I was the one with the issues because he is very, very good at these things. I thought I was the problem, or just confused, or misunderstood....

Aniki's picture

Your lack of trust was spot on, sweetie. And you are NOT the problem. That's what a lowlife POS like him does: undermines our confidence and makes us feel responsible when THEY are the ones who should not be in relationships. EVER. 

I swear if I could, I would drop everything and be right next to you, every step. Please do NOT let him talk you into staying. xoxo

GrabitAndGo's picture

After what he said about his own 4 YEAR OLD SON,the gloves would be OFF.  Scotty, meet with the lawyer, then go home and pack bags for yourself and your DS.  Go stay with friends, family, a hotel - wherever.  Don't let that a$$hole see your child without you being present and in some place very public.  I advise you to leave because I'm pretty effing sure your husband wouldn't have the compassion to leave.

I'm pretty damn hard to shock, but what he said had my jaw on the floor.

Jeanied123's picture

You need to do whatever you have to in order to protect your child, shame on your husband for blaming you or suggesting any harm his son does to himself is your fault! You should probably leave them both!

hereiam's picture

Jesus, he really is an asshole, isn't he?

Hopefully, he won't want to see LO4, if he sees him as the enemy, but being a narcissist, he will fight for it just because.

Blaming a 4 year old victim, his own son, I can't even.

StepperLife's picture

I am shocked DH wouldn’t want you to bring in the proper people. It’s (I apologize if I’m coming off offensive) a bit of an eye brow raiser. Im more concerned that he wouldn’t want authorities involved. Nothing is you’re fault ! If anything happens it’s not your fault ! While pregnant in 2016 our ODD says “Mami SD kissed me” I honestly at first didn’t think nothing of it. My DD says “many she grabbed my face like this and kissed me and I didn’t like it” I flipped. And so happy my DD told me. I made SD feel so uncomfortable I guess she didn’t come for a year. Best year of my life. Even now, DD knows she can’t have SD in her room. She can only be in the living room What the hell. adults there. And now I make sure my DD is asleep before I go to sleep. And even still I wake up due to the two Los and check on all my girls. So sorry you’re going through this. 

momjeans's picture

JFC.

He is attempting to shut down sexual abuse, by silencing you, that happened between a 14-year-old and a 4-year-old.

I hope you nail his and SS’s balls to a courtroom wall. 

Felicity0224's picture

Oh god, I’m so sorry. You’ve gotten really good advice here, so I just wanted to say that you handled the situation perfectly by going to the doctor immediately. Good for you, following your instinct instead of waiting to consult DH. Stay strong and get the best attorney you can, he sounds like he’ll be a nightmare to deal with. 

DPW's picture

What a d*ck! I'm so angry for you and your LO. Know that you are doing the right thing.... anything to stand by your LO will be the right thing. I just can't believe a father would act this way. 

DPW's picture

Oh, and make sure you tell your childcare provider to not release your LOs into DHs hands.... just to be safe. 

I'd also follow the suggestion above to obtain a RO against him. Dude is sick. 

SteppedOut's picture

Daycare can't withhold from a parent without a court order.

OP, you need a court order as fast as possible. 

NotURMomma's picture

Can you file a restraining order so that your duh can’t take your mutual kids? He is abusive and controlling!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need a restraining order against SS and immediate, emergency custody orders for your child. Right now, DH has as much right to your child as you do. If he wants to pick the child up from child care and take him home, there is nothing law enforcement can do about it. If you get temporary, emergency custody, it will keep him from taking your child and exposing him to SS.

ndc's picture

The thing that concerns me is that your DH has a successful business and comes from a well to do family.  Meaning that they have money to try to sweep this under the rug and fight you.  I hope there is some way that you leaving and him not seeing the LOs works into the narrative he will present to the outside world.  Otherwise, I'd be gearing up for battle.

Kes's picture

I would just add one more thing.  You said in response to my question earlier that you hadn't told your close girlfriends yet.  Pls tell them now.  You do not have to bear this alone. And tell your parents if you haven't already told them.  Your husband's admonitions not to tell are probably burned into your brain, but pls break away from this NOW and start telling. 

Also, if you have not done so already, read loads of literature on how narcissists operate.  Go for the books with 5 stars on Amazon ;-)  

GrabitAndGo's picture

I think her husband is trying to isolate her from people who could and would support her.  If he isolates her, he can attempt to control her and the situation.