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SD19 ... no show

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

SD19 did not join SS15 for a visit this week as expected.

She and DH have bounced between screaming at each other and professing their emotionally incestuous love for one another by phone and facetime.

DH refuses to tell me what the issues are with regards to me, although I have only asked once because I heard some nasty statements made about me when she was on speakerphone (in another room but she was pretty loud). He also says that he's not going to be "stuck in the middle", and that she and I need to "resolve our issues". My only response has been that when she's  ready to apologize for her unacceptable behavior over Christmas, I'll be happy ok have a conversation with her. But until then, I will not be chasing her as he does and Hope's that he encourages her, as her father, to make better decisions. (Obviously he wont do this)

Given that we are stuck at home with covid stay at home orders for the foreseeable future, I am minimizing conflict unless it's absolutely necessary. 

What are some good comeback phrases for DH when he says that he's mad at me because his daughter won't visit because of me? I know it's not entirely true, but I really need hi to shut it.

I have tried "My understanding is that she is mad at both of us, and keeps changing her story as to why. Let me know when you have figured it out and are willing to share that as my partner."

I have also tried "if no one tells me what I've done wrong, I will not be chasing any one or answers."


hereiam's picture

I agree with Pet, there really is no discussing this with your jackass husband and no comeback that will get through to him.

His kids could commit murder right in front of him and he would pretend that it was someone elses fault.

I would just stare at him blankly and let the silence hang there. He's just looking for an argument.

If he really wants to see her, he can meet up with her somewhere, she's 19 for God's sake.

ITB2012's picture

They do keep pushing to get a response. 
What I've found effective lately when DH is mad (and usually trying to make it my fault/problem) is to just response: "okay"

If he pushes and it's not something I can just say okay to then I say that I'm not willing to discuss it at this time and no matter what he says I don't engage. 
He typically pouts for a while, maybe even a few days, but then he forgets (you know, like our DHs usually forget about discipline or other things related to their kids behavior so use it to your advantage). And it gets less frequent the less they can use you as their scapegoat. 

Iamwoman's picture

It blows my mind when people say things like "I don't want to be in the middle of this" for issues that have only one side.

My MIL once said this to DH and me. DH's brother was causing a bunch of drama and unbeknownst to DH and I, was saying things behind our backs and creating stories from nothing. We were shocked to even hear that BIL had a problem at all, let alone that he had woven his stories with us as protagonists. 
As I'm the furthest you can get from a fan of "real-life-fictional-drama," you can imagine my disgust and surprise.

When I asked why BIL was saying these things, MIL's reply to me was "I don't want to get in the middle of this." ...which was even more shocking. In order to have a middle, there has to be two sides!

My reply, "There must be two sides in order for a middle to exist. DH and I were unaware there was even a "problem," and thus are not on a "side." We are here if BIL wants to actually talk with us."

Well, BIL never did talk with us, and MIL never mentioned the drama again. To this day, DH and I are not sure what the drama even was about.

So OP, my advice is to say to DH, "There need to be two sides in order for a middle to exist. I am not involved in this drama, and there is not another side, except whatever exists in SD's head. If you want to encourage her theatrics, feel free. You are both free people. However I refuse to participate, and will not be forced into a side, middle, top, bottom, or even as a spectator to this debacle. I respect your conversations with SD. You can respect me by leaving me out of her life-drama. Thank you."

strugglingSM's picture

It bothers me that your DH acts like you and his daughter are somehow equal parties in this. He needs to step up and tell his daughter to be respectful of you and of his relationship with you. If you were the child's mother would he allow her to say mean and rude things about you and say, "I don't want to be in the middle"? No, he would probably tell his daughter that she needed to respect her mother. It shouldn't be any different for a stepmom.