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Update 1 - (Trigger) Abuse by SS14

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

The initial thread was getting long so I decided to start a new thread for updates since yesterday.

First and foremost, thank you all SO much for all of your feedback. Logging in this morning and finding more comments and suggestions has made me feel like I have a virtual army supporting me. Reading over some of the "colorful" names you've given DH in yesterday's thread gave me a laugh. And I really needed that this morning.

So here's the update. SS14 was interviewed last night by the detective. At the end of the interview, DH called and said that SS denied it all and that the case was being closed. He said that he believed SS. I was automatically suspicious, and called the detective. Per the detective, that's not really what happened.

In her words, SS never confirmed or denied any of the abuse. He remained emotionless the whole time. And SS also claimed that LO must have been mistaken, and that perhaps he accidentally grazed LOs private parts while holding LO naked. So I told the detective firmly that SS is never around LO naked, and thus has NEVER had an opportunity to hold or accidentally graze LO naked. I told the detective that to me, SS was lying. She believes it was a way for SS to somewhat admit inappropriate  contact occured - a half-admission.

When I told DH that I had talked to the detective, he, as expected, got mad and asked why I didn't trust him. I gave him the biggest, angriest Mama Bear glare and told him that our conversation was over.  He followed, tried to instigate, say that he didn't get a chance to tell me everything.  I told him to not bother, ignored him until he gave up trying to talk, and went to bed after checking on LOs. SS also refused to see LOs last night (not that I would have allowed it) for dinner because he is mad at LO4 for "tattling" when he "didn't do anything wrong".

Detective has to turn the case over to the prosecutor. She believes at this point that no charges will be filed because its a case of "he said she said". But that the prosecutor may do a follow up and require therapy for SS14. Further, CPS is dropping the case because its child on child abuse, and they do not handle that in VA.

I feel like I have no support from authorities. And really, the Detective can't do anything else. I am on edge waiting to hear from the attorney. My parents are coming this weekend. DH insists that SS is coming this weekend. I told DH this morning that until we get to family therapy and SS has individual counseling, SS cannot be around LOs. That we can tell SS there is still an open investigation that needs to be finalized.

I have a numb, shaky feeling. But, I have told 3 of my closest girlfriends now. I am not going to let DH isolate me anymore. I am not going to allow him to force me to have LOs around SS. I am doing my best to keep a level head, not engage with DH, and keep focusing on documenting, and getting my ducks lined up. I sent my mom copies of my current documentation. Tomorrow, since my parents are coming early in the day, I am going to meet them home early, and scan all my important docs, and give my parents copies.

Question for you ..... When I told my Mom this morning that I was going to talk to the attorney about asking DH to leave with SS, or leaving with LOs myself... she had pause for concern. Her worst case scenario is this - if there is no authority like DSS, CPS or Sheriff's Office managing the case anymore, what grounds do I have for keeping the boys apart or even DH from LOs?  She is concerned that if I attempt this, and a judge denies the RO or the separation of SS from LOs, that I will have now further angered SS. She is fearful that SS might retaliate against me or LO4. She had another point - DH still has the same rights as I do to LOs. So unless a judge grants me custody and DH with supervised visits, there is nothing stopping DH from brings LOs around SS. I realize these are lawyer questions....




Siemprematahari's picture

When I told DH that I had talked to the detective, he, as expected, got mad and asked why I didn't trust him.

He asked why you don't trust him? Because he's a POS who wants to sweep everything under the rug, is only protecting SS14, and completely dismissing what happened with his 4 year old. How could you EVER trust someone like that? I hope your lawyer gets back to you soon and that you can take steps to leaving this @sshole. I can't imagine any kind of therapy helping you and H in this situation because he's in complete denial. I wouldn't want SS14 around me or mine so that would be a problem.

Wishing you strength and I see that you're taking the necessary steps to remedy this ugly situation. Hope it improves sooner than later.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

He will defend himself ad nauseum. He's a narcissist. Nothing is his fault. If he has been caught red-handed, he will still find a way to blame someone or something else. There are dozens of reasons I've already talked to him about which explain why he has lost my trust. Does he believe any of it? Nope.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your mom has a very good point. This is the big fear in cases like yours. Keep your attorney appointment.

We are in VA too. I will say that courts here (at least in the bigger areas) have really taken a turn to be more pro father in recent years, which in most cases is good- father's are important, but this isn't one of those cases. 

I don't know what your attorney will say but keep that appointment!

justmakingthebest's picture

I tried to send you a PM. I don't know if there is a way to contact you privately or if you can contact me but since we are in the same state and I am in a really populated area of the state I wanted to reach out with resources if you were near by.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I think it went through.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think we have to be friends first LOL- I sent that. I can see the message from you but it won't let me reply.

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) to you and your LOs.

I don't have any advice because I'm out of my depth here, but I think you're a strong person and a wonderful mother.  Your LOs are lucky to have you and I know you will keep advocating for them.  I'm glad you told your friends and family, that support will be critical. 

I wish anotherstep was still around.  She gave great advice "from a friend". 

Kes's picture

Well done for putting your parents and girlfriends fully in the picture.   I live in England, and we have different laws to you, I can't imagine any authority here being OK with allowing SS any contact whatsoever with your toddler any more.  It just wouldn't be allowed.  Personally, in your position I would also contact social services - or their equivalent in the USA, and tell them your story and ask their advice as well as the lawyer.  I feel strongly they will insist that SS never meets LO again. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So I'm new to all this and may be wrong... but I think CPS is our main resources in terms of protective/social services. But I could be wrong and hope I am not missing anything.

beebeel's picture

This is why there still exists an "underground" in America to keep women and children safe from abusive preditors. Sexual abuse is rarely ever handled right by the authorities in this country.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I think that there tends to be protocols in place for initial reports, across the board. But then little follow through and guidance, such that once one box is checked, there is a lag until the next incident, something more severe occurs, or there is a change in circumstance. But no support for what to do in the meantime. And I suppose that's what happens with larger organizations and the sheer numbers of cases they monitor.

In this case, I WISH there had been someone to help us move forward. They gave us a piece of paper with therapist's numbers, but I could have retrieved that from Google. The Detective can only pursue if there is something criminal with clear evidence. Beyond that she has no authority. CPS will only handle adult-to-child abuse, beyond that, they cannot intervene. There are other services, like RAINN, but they are for support, not protection. There is literally no one who can tell DH, "hey, we need you to take these steps to ensure both boys are helped, and we are going to check on you in two weeks to make sure you did them". We have now gone from a criminal investigation,... to nothing.

beebeel's picture

Trust me, I know. I would contact your local domestic violence/sexual abuse crisis center to see what services they provide. Hopefully, they run a halfway decent program, but you really shouldn't have to turn to nonprofits for a problem this severe. Sad

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

It confuses me too.

shamds's picture

Sex abuse claims. Something had to have happened. Even my daughter from age 3 would clench her legs together during bath time or diaper change time if you used a nappy wipe in between her genital area like in between the folds of skin/labia etc...

even at that age and it being mummy or daddy she knows thats not a spot she wants anyone near...

sometimes the authorities lack common sense

futurobrillante99's picture

Get a nanny cam in your son's room. Maybe put one in SS14's room. Let SS14 come for visitation.

See if he's creeping around in your son's room or bringing him into his own room.

Save those recordings. See if either your husband or SS14 chastises the 4 year old in either room.

See if SS14 tries again to meddle with your 4 year old.

Save all evidence. Intervene if you can to stop any further abuse - a knock on the door to interrupt. But gather evidence.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So I've ordered the door alarms (its a chime that will sound wherever I have the receiver, up to 400 sq ft. In looking at alarms, there are a ton of brands. I'm going to pick whatever has 4-5 stars on Amazon. I don't know that I would put one in SS's room - I'll need to check with the lawyer on that. It seems like an invasion of privacy. In LOs room, that might be more acceptable just because I still have baby monitors for LOs.

Other locations for cameras should probably be in the main living room, the playroom off the kitchen and the rec room in the basement.

I will probably hide the cameras as best as I can.

justmakingthebest's picture

You probably can't put one inside his room, but facing his door down the hall would be fine. Especially if he and your kids share a hallway area. 

WTF...REALLY's picture

 Definitely put cameras in. Because since you’re not getting help from the law, unfortunately you’re going to need some kind of video proof to get more help. 

notarelative's picture

Further, CPS is dropping the case because its child on child abuse, and they do not handle that in VA.

Did you hear that from CPS? If not, call CPS and talk to them. Talk to the lawyer about this. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

The CPS case worker told me by phone. She said that the only case they could have is against me and DH if we allowed a known abuser with LOs. So right now, the only possible case (and I don't know if its plausible) is if DH allows or attempts to allow SS around LOs. And that's the question I need to ask. It might be enough to get the case reopened, But, I would need proof that DH is allowing it and that I am against it. CPS would have to deem DH's decision to be dangerous to LOs.

Harry's picture

He is afraid is you band SS from you hime he will never see him again.  You can not allow SS in your home with out therapy.  And the therapist saids it’s ok for him to be over.  You can not watch a 11 YO 24/7.  If this kid is that sick he will find a way to get to LO. 

DH can see SS outside the home but he can not bring him into the home until therapist thinks I’d not a problem.  DH is not going to stop anything .   What asked the question, How can you love a man who  wii allow what happing and not do anything about.   Your DH needs therapy too. Major therapy 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Lawyer says that I'm in a tough spot. If there are no criminal charges, but rather only a recommendation for therapy by the prosecuter (or a mandate), there is no guarantee that SS will be kept out of the home if it's up to DH. So if I leave, he believes that DH would get unsupervised visits... right now.

Lawyer also agreed that in VA, this is not CPS territory. He also said that is because in most cases, the parents determine how to manage their kids, often with help of a therapist. In this case, where one parent is not thinking rationally, he suggested the following:

Get LO4 into therapy immediately. Provide the therapist with the initial report made by the pediatrician. Tell the therapist that DH and I disagree with a plan to keep LOs safe and get SS help. Tell the therapist that I am concerned CPS would consider our allowing SS back in the home to be parental neglect on our part. Lawyer said that since the therapist will be a mandated reporter, he/she will likely proceed cautiously. This will also put DH on alert, knowing the therapist is a mandated reporter, and thus DH is more likely to follow the therapist's plan.

I feel partly disheartened but at the same time relieved to get the legal feedback, and know what my options are. I might call up one more lawyer, just to confirm all this.

DH wrote earlier to apologize. I don't buy any of it, and am not letting my guard down. But I played along. I got him to agree to not have SS sleepover this weekend, but instead to have DH and SS stay at a hotel. My parents get into town tomorrow, so if DH renegs on this agreement, I will have parental support on my side.

I normally don't have my parents fight my battles for me, but in this case with LOs safety, I will take all the help I can get.


WTF...REALLY's picture

 sounds like you got solid advice. Did you ask your lawyer about putting cameras inside the house and if that’s OK without telling your husband they are there.

Kes's picture

It's a shame that CPS are not supporting you.  I think you have to go with your lawyer's advice about getting a therapist, as you say it may be just as well to check with another lawyer before going ahead.