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Update - Sleeping Arrangements for SS15

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So my DH has "decided" that he is taking both LOs away this weekend to visit the inlaws, and leaving me home alone. He was originally supposed to go with the skids. Now he says all of them are going. He didn't care that I have no interest in going since we were JUST there for Thanksgiving (4 hour drive each way), and that I have to work both Friday and Monday. He didn't care that I was looking forward to the time at home with the kids and festive plans we made. He's making a decision unilaterally, which is not going to work for me.

And what's worse is that he planned on having DS4 sleep in the same room as SS15! We had a huge fight over this. He told me to "just get over" SS15. And that I am welcome to come but that he's going with the kids and "that's that".

I am shocked that I didn't lose my you-know-what enitrely. I responded that his judgment is frightening regarding SS15, and that its pretty awful for him to just take off last minute with our shared children the weekend before Christmas.

This is going to get ugly. I called back the detective who worked on our case (regarding DH's plan to let the boys sleep in the same room), and the first lawyer that I spoke with.

I was trying to stay in this situation until my Bios were older and could advocate for themselves. But if DH is going to attempt to leave like this, without getting my concurrence as the other parent... I don't see the point in staying. Despite everything that's happened, I have never, ever taken off with our bios. I've only gone away once with our bios alone, and that was to see my ailing grandparents - a trip that I asked DH to approve, that he was invited on, and that worked with his schedule. He was going to come but bailed last minute.

You all have given excellent advice. I don't know that there is much more I can do than to get those ducks aligned.


shellpell's picture

I have been following your story and my blood is boiling. Not that I'm saying it's right but I would take off with my bios and try to disappear and start over in another town to protect my kids. Would your H try to find you?

tog redux's picture

This is why I said I didn't think your plan to hang in there and protect your son would work - I figured he would retaliate in some way against you not trusting his son. 

Can you leave ahead of him with your son and go somewhere? And stay there?

hereiam's picture

What in the f^ck is wrong with your husband?

As a parent, I would think he would want to error on the side of caution regarding his 4 YEAR OLD son. It's not hurting anyone to keep SS15 away from DS4 when unsupervised and overnight, it could cause a lot of damage to just let something happen....that could have been prevented.

Your husband is a pr!ck.

Monkeysee's picture

I’m not sure pr!ck is a strong enough word for him. If anything else happens to this poor boy he deserves to be behind bars for neglect, endangerment and anything else he could possibly be charged with. He’s as mentally ill as the 15 year old. 

OP I feel sick for you & your bios. I pray nothing happens to your kids & you’re able to get away from this horrible man & his son as soon as possible.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

If this is the OP I think it is. I would say your son is staying with you, and if he takes him you will call the police. 

Or go somewhere for a few days (with your son etc) if you don’t want the confrontation. A cheap hotel, friends, parents. Say it was a friendly Xmas visit. 

Seriously, I’m all up for you ‘disappearing’ soon, to keep your son safe. If you move a few states away it would make it very difficult for him. Plus you must be able to get supervised visits only for a while. 

You need to move and you need to at least temporarily change your names. 

I hope you are saving money for emergencies. This situation is unsustainable......

i really do hope you are ok. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Over my dead body would he take our kids. ESPECIALLY under those circumstances that you stated a while back (if memory serves me right).....

I'd give him hell!!!

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

This was the case of SS15 being innapropriate with DS4 (14 and 3 years old at the time). CPS and County Sheriff involvment.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I have thought about leaving so many times. I wish I could go and just stay there, wherever that is. But I am concerned that I would get in trouble for it, and ultimately lose custody to DH. And then my bios would be alone with him and SS15 even more.

To be honest, I am sitting here at work, terrified. DH will fight me for the sake of fighting and winning. I saw him do this to BM, and while I do not care for this woman, she did not deserve what he put her through. No one could get through to DH when it came to working with her; he is not going to treat me any differently.

Siemprematahari's picture

Talk to a lawyer, discuss the severity of your situation and what would happen if you did X, Y, or Z.

See what are your options. Something has to work in your favor. You have to protect your kids. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd be calling all his family and airing all the dirty laundry. Explain exactly why SS15 can't stay with DS and that there is a CPS case worker assigned to this and that you want everyone to be aware so they can make informed decisions as parents and grandparents.

Do not let him leave with the kids without a temporary custody order and/or separation papers in hand. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I sent BIL/SIL a note in the past week, explaining the situation. It wasn't lengthy, but clearly stated what happened and why their sons could not be alone with SS15 at all while at the inlaws home. Total silence from them.

We no longer have a CPS case worker assigned - it was transferred to the Sheriff's office early on, so that's who I've been trying to get a hold of. I should also call the CAC who interviewed DS4 - they call to follow up every so often and may be able to help me.

I know that DH technically has the same rights to our kids as I do, so I will need to threaten a call back to CPS if he tries to take them. The case was originally transferred from CPS to the Sheriff, since it was child on child abuse. However, CPS told us that if we did not keep the boys supervised, they would get involved again due to parental neglect. So ultimately, I think DH is falling under this category.

I really wish the lawyer would call back.

Merry's picture

Sounds like this is about WINNING more than anything else. I feel sorry for his SS15, screwed up as he is, and for all of yuo having to deal with this.

I'd get legal advice about your options for making sure your bios do NOT take that trip, to the point of taking them somewhere with you and not telling DH where you are.

You've already demonstrated that you are a great Mom, willing to sacrifice your own happiness so that your bio is not harmed. But suddently, the current situation just become unsustainable because your husband cares more about himself than any of his children. .

tog redux's picture

I know, I feel sorry for both kids - their father isn't interested in protecting either one of them. If he thinks DS's allegations are false, why does he want to put SS15 in the position of having that happen again?

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

SS15 was wrong, but he also needs help that his parents are refusing to get him. By not getting help, by not acknowledging what happened, and by putting him in a risky situation that he cannot handle (alone with younger boys), he is at risk for much worse. And both he and whoever he hurts will pay the price.

Gimlet's picture

I'm so sorry, Scotty.  You've done as much as anyone could in this situation.

I hope the lawyer has encouraging news for you.  I  rarely say this, but I also would not blame you for disappearing if you could.  There is something very wrong with your husband.

ndc's picture

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is planning this.  I really have no advice, other than to call anyone you can (lawyer, CPS, sheriff's office, etc.) to get advice.  I guess the only good that comes of this is that you now know you're better off leaving this jerk, because you can't protect your kids even when you're with him.  Make your plans, and I wish you luck.

Indigo's picture

Reports of my SGS acting inappropriately began years before his behavior went 'over the line.' Family members blew it off. Kids being kids. He's too young to understand. Rough-housing. "Gee, must have seen it on TV."  No one listened to the child-victims. Complaints from neighbors were excused & explained.  Neighbors & family became the targets for his behavior. Who did he have relatively unsupervised access to? ... neighbors & family.

SGS's cousin, biodad's sister's child, was actually taken away by CPS for a while, due to perceived parental neglect & failure to protect their child as a result of SGS's behavior.  More children were hurt because family thought 'it's no big deal.' More children will carry the scars of sexual assault into adulthood because of 'not my child' thinking.

SGS became a convicted sexual offender at the age of 11.  Currently, SGS-now-14 is out of the state hospital, juvie & on probation. He requires trained,100% eyes-on-supervision when he is around other children.  He cannot live with his family & needs eye-on supervision around his siblings & any other children. (SO cannot go to the bathroom without separating SGS-14 from his SGD-16 sibling into different rooms.)

Don't mess around.  Do not risk your children because others/husband/family think you are over-reacting or 'it's not a big deal.'  Protect your kids.  Flame-thrower, scorched-earth approach -- protect your children & their future.   This is not a pop-tart-gun.

ETA:  This is an imminent risk.

Ispofacto's picture

Have you posted about this?  My SD offended and I want to know how likely she is to reoffend...

What is SGS like?  What did he do?


shamds's picture

is in usual denial mode that your young kid totally made it up now he’s made an executive decision to take your bios away... just no!!

marriage is a partnership, he is not treating you as a partner. If you let him take your children away just to keep the peace and not wake the beast, what happens of your son says ss assaulted him again, thats on you now because you let hubby take your kids away despite the warning signs

so tell hubby that if he ever makes a executive decision like this again and take your kids away that you will report to police that kids were kidnapped.

refuse to allow kids be taken by him. Screw it if it causes a scene in front if ss. Your husband is prioritising his first family over and above his younger kids from his subsequent marriage/relationship and thats not how it works. He has a responsibility and duty to protect his younger kids who cannot protect themselves