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Update 3 - (Trigger) Abuse by SS14

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

New week, new blog entry.

Some folks asked in the last update about BM and her reaction. She is livid, and maintains that SS14 is innocent and wrongly accused. She has threatened legal action for false claims and failure to notify in a timely fashion. I'm not sure how she is going to sue a 4 year old, but I imagine it will involve a claim of me having coached LO4 to lie. She might have a case against DH, who waited a full week to tell her and brought SS14 in for an interview without her (within his legal rights, but I can see how that would upset her). BM will not consider the possibility that SS14 was in any way inappropriate with LO4 and will not sign off on therapy unless is ordered by the county - we won't get their final report for at least another week.

Others asked if anyone in the family could have abused SS. I suspected that too, but I also suspected this might have stemmed from his overall lack of boundaries and failures to understand personal space. I just don't know, and BMs family is very closed, so they will never admit anything.

As of today, BM is refusing to send SS back over to our house unless there is a guarantee that I and LO4 will not be there, or in SS's presence at all. Since I will not be vacating my home, and since DH will not comply with BMs mandate to keep SS away from me and LO4, I presume BM will withhold SS, and will have a court order and police present at the next pickup to uphold the order, assuming she can get one. This works to my advantage with LOs, in that I don't have to worry about SS in the house. Meanwhile, not knowing anything for sure, I have been getting the rooms ready to switch, hired painters, and ordered the surveillance cameras in the event that SS does come for visitation.

With all this said, I do feel badly for SS. His parents are fighting over this rather than looking into help for his behaviors. As for me, I will never excuse what SS did to LO4, but my memories of him compared to my anger towards him now are breaking my heart. I met him when he was just a little boy - around 7 years old. I use to be able to carry him on my back (when he was 5 ft tall rather than today's 6'5'' and 200lbs) and we made dinosaur pancakes every sunday he was with us. Then he learned how to make them with me for LO4.  And what's worse, LO4 does miss him. LO4 still comments that he didn't like what SS did. But moments later, will talk about a Lego that he made with SS.  I hate this.

And yes, I have weekly appointments with my therapist scheduled through Christmas!



tog redux's picture

What a mess. Well, at least BM has taken care of the issue of SS14 being around your DS4 for the time being.

Now you can leave DH and if he gets visitation, BM won't allow it to be at the same time as SS14.  Please do leave DH. 

Siemprematahari's picture


Thank you for updating us on your story and wishing you strength, peace & healing during this stressful time. How have things been with you and H? Meaning are you both communicating, trying to figure things out, or leaning more towards ending the marriage?

Kes's picture

I really don't see that any marriage could survive this - there is only one way forward and that is separately. 

SteppedOut's picture

This. I couldn't even been in the same home at this point, let alone share a bed. 

My formerSO's son tried to physically hurt my baby; multiple times. Listening to formerSO make excuses, ignore behaviors, etc made me lose any respect and love I had for him. After I left and he tried to get me to come back - no changes, just "it will be better now!" - I literally started getting nauseous when I even talked to him on the phone, much less saw him. 

OP, how are you managing to stay in the same home?

justmakingthebest's picture

Maybe BM will just wind up keeping SS away from you and your littles. That could work out, Your husband has to go there to spend time with them and you can not have him in your home. At least for the immediate time being.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

It's been very hard staying in the same home together with DH. I am doing right now because I have to in order to protect LOs from SS and DH's poor choices. While BM is attempting to keep SS, its not a guarantee. And without anything mandated, DH is technically free to bring SS around LO4 if I'm not present. So while I could easily envision myself and LOs far away and living in a new home... i'm pretty much stuck right now as long as I want to be able to oversee LOs safety.  

tog redux's picture

Have you consulted an attorney? Take whatever they say with a grain of salt, but I'm thinking that allegations of sexual abuse would be enough for you to get a CO that say DS4 can't be with DH when SS14 is there. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

The attorney did not think it would be feasible to get an order to keep SS14 away from DS4 unless the country (sheriff's dept) mandated it. We won't have that report for another week at the earliest.

But, it's worth asking another lawyer what they think...

Harry's picture

Hopefully in time SS will pull this with someone else and police will get involved 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So aparently, SD18 and BM and GBM are all livid with me for "allowing" all this to happen with SS14, who by the way, they still claim is "totally innocent".  SD says she can't forgive me for what I've "done to her sweet brother".  She must have missed the memo that her "sweet brother" molested her other, much younger brother. She's been made aware of the situation and protocols enforced by mandated reports. So have BM and GBM. This family.... oy.

DH asked me if I wanted to attend parents weekend and homecoming at SD18's college this fall. ....I think I'd rather spend the week picking up elephant dung.

So that's a firm "no" from me.