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DH on business trip + Feel like a freaking wicked witch.

EveryoneLies's picture

DH has to be on business trip this week. Another week fighting with my SS just about everything.

For those who don't know, my ss12 is high functioning autistic living with us full time. It's of course good for the boy, just not good for everyone else's mental health. My patience is so thin now even the smallest wrong thing SS does can trigger my full-blown anger. I would explode and then feel really bad afterwards. I hate the fact that everyone in the house has to compromise just so that he can live easier. (No, he doesn't reallly get to get away with $hit, at least not in the house) 

Whoever said autistic people can't lie just has not live with one that lies 24/7. They are not good at it, sure, but they definitely CAN lie. This is about the most annoying thing I can't stand. SS takes pride in finding the "loopholes" for whatever he's banned from (because of his bad behavior), taken away from (also because of his bad behavior), or plainly just because lying is the easiest way to get to what he wants. He lies to get away with stuff (i know, kids are like this), to impress people (there are ways to impress people without the need of lying), and sometimes really just because. 

Recently he's developed a weird habit of writing me apology notes saying how ashamed he feels. Whether he truly feels that way I don't know. What I do know is that I never feel better after receiving those freaking notes. I feel wicked (inner voice: he's just a kid, and he's on the spectrum!) and angry (inner voice: why the f do you write me this note when you know the next second you are going to do the exact thing I told you not to!). For that I already told him to cut this crap off (without saying crap), if he actually feel bad then f*cking change his behavior. Nothing works better than actually work hard on not making the same mistake like a 1000 times.

I also hate that whenever anyone seeking help/advice of how to cohabitate with an autistic spectrum, the answers they get is just "oh because they can't change it, so here are the million things you can do or them." Um, yeah, because being neurotypicals having the life a lot easier, so we just owe them that. Got it. What I know is that when I first met my DH I was completely open to the idea of having another child, now I'm really just like f it, NO. 

This year I finally get back to therapy again. The doctor told me behind anger it is fear. Sounds a bit cheesy, but i have to admit I never thought of it that way. Just this two weeks I have already put on so much weight because of the stress eating -_-. Nothing motivates me to workout. I hate how I look and how I feel everyday, but I'm also trapped and feel like I can't escape. 

why is that the BMs get to be $hit, but the SMS are expected to be model moms all the time. (I'm a BM myself but I'm not giving the father of my own craps. I don't even bother to contact him) Or maybe, it's really just women are expected to be perfect.

F-. I am so angry. Apologies for the ramblings.

Note:

Also apologies to moms of autistic kids. I know it is never easy to parent autistic kids. A lot of my frustration comes from the BM of my SS just "get away with" non-parenting, and still whenever he goes there she tries her "best" to talk shit about me. Truly not that I care, because she really knows nothing about me as much as she tried to "stalked" me digitally, being not intelligent enough she has failed. For the record..last year this "mom of the year" saw her son less than 20 days total. I envy how she still feels so good about herself. (Probably because she doesn't need to deal the crap her son is giving us????)

Comments

tog redux's picture

The thing is - you don't have to parent him either, you are choosing to. Others can have their expectations, but he's not your child, he's 100% DH's responsibility. I'd suggest finding ways to parent less, or not at all. If that makes you anxious to think about, you've found the fear under the anger (that your marriage will fall apart if you make DH be the parent like he should be). 

EveryoneLies's picture

DH is not the kind that would try to avoid his own son at all cost just because the son is a PITA. To his credit he's the main person fighting with his son for SS's homework. It's just whoever needs to help this kid with his hw would always get depressed and angry afterwards. DH is able to "forget" quicker than I could ever do (After all, his son).

I think my DH is a good parent, but my fear is that this is going to be what my life is like forever, because a $hit kid can't launch..:(

Iamwoman's picture

Your DH needs to hire a nanny while he goes on business trips.

My DH hired several different nannies the first few years of our marriage for OSS15 (then 6-8), and YS11 (then 2-4). Several, because each nanny would quit after one job with my (then horrible, now zombie) skids.

If the two of you are intent on having you be the nanny while DH is away, then I can try to give some advice there too, because your SS' antics of "finding loopholes constantly" and "being a bad liar, but lying anyway," sound very similar to what I went through with my DD16 (who also "hates hugs").

1. Don't feel badly that the apologies and sappy notes have zero effect on your feelings. Actions speak louder than words. You are 100% correct that if SS were truly sorry, he would change his ways. I take it since he can walk and talk, he is high functioning. He isn't retarded - he just takes things literally. Every time he apologizes or hands you a note, tell him "I no longer want your apologies. Actions speak louder than words. If you truly have remorse, you will stop doing xyz."

2. Be consistent. A child that constantly looks for loopholes is absolutely exhausting. I should know. It can be tempting to throw your hands in the air or "take a break," or "ease up the consequences because you are tired of CONSTANTLY implementing consequences. Instead, make sure the consequences are easy for you to implement. For instance, instead of "now you only get one hour per day on your phone," (which would only result in another confrontation when SS doesn't put the phone down in an hour and you have to argue again), "you lose your phone until I'm ready to give it back" would be easier for you. It does not hold you to a set time (which would also be used as ammo against you by SS), and when he pitches a fit because you have given him no specific measure of time, "SS, I see you're upset. If you had not done xyz, you wouldn't have to feel this way." Any argument from him can be met with "My home, my rules. If you don't like the consequences, don't break the rules." And finalized with (if he won't stop annoying you for implementing a consequence on him) "I will not tolerate being harassed in my own home. Go to your room. Think about what you did. I'll come by in 30 minutes to chat with you and see if you have realized WHY you shouldn't do xyz."

3. Don't be afraid to send him to his room any time you need a break. Just because he is autistic, doesn't mean "he can't help it." It just means that he needs things logically explained to him more than other kids. It means he will take longer to understand how to navigate the foreign world of other people's feelings. It does not mean he can't. It just means he needs to have EVERYTHING explained over and over and over again until he sees that what you are saying is true in many scenarios with many different people. This is insanely exhausting for a parent, so please don't feel badly by sending him to his room for your own sanity. He will get over it and you will be able to calm down and parent better.

4. All of this seems never ending now. I get it. It gets better though - it just takes many more years, much more frustration, and will push you to the brink of insanity multiple times until one day... he will begin to mellow out and go with the flow more. He will too, probably in his late teens. Just when you think you can't take anymore.

EveryoneLies's picture

I truly admire the way you are dealing with this. Are some of your skids also on the spectrum? 

We probably will consider the nanny option, except, although we both are making good money, our money situation is still tight. (Not to the level where we will fear that we will have to starve, but still, we don't have a family saving and it really freaks me out because we really can't afford either of us losing jobs.) My current coping machanism is to take a short mini trip just on my own after being stuck with the $hit kid for too long. The trips are not luxuous, most of the time I was just catching up my sleep Sad so sad, haha.

I told SS that I do not want to see any more of those notes, hopefully that registers with him. I only get angrier each time I got them, and that's just simply not helpful to anyone in the house. (Yes, i do explode once in a while. Not proud of it) I also told him (like a million times) that he really just need to change his lying/dishonesty habit.  Last time DH and I had a fight was because of something similar SS pulled. Although I do believe he truly feel sorry when he was caught flat out lying (and he had the balls to yell at me when I caught him, but came clean right when the dad talked to him. Ha! For a brief moment I really thought I was in the wrong.). He came to me in tear to apologize, and when I told him I don't want the apology he bursted into the screaming crying. DH thought I was mean not to take the apology and told me for god's sake just comfort the boy already. I didn't "apologize" to the boy for not taking his apology, because I really don't want it (it also worth nothing since he's still doing the same crap as we speak now). I also didn't go and "make SS feel better" because I think I have done more than enough. After this event though, every time I got an apology note I just rage inside. -_- I really hope SS is quitting that apology notes thing now.

And you are so right. Consistency is what made me so exhausted, especially ss is so proud of himself every time a loophole is discovered. But I will definitely try the consequence that's convenient to me instead of him next time. 

I really hope things will get better. From what I see so far I really don't know how he's going to launch. He's on top of his SpEd class but is still two grades behind. (But again, he thinks he's a genius, even though we have to fight him for simple math questions.) Although I don't believe academic achievement is everything, the lack of effort in everything ss does is the true reason why I'm worried. I would really hate to need to "raise" this person late into his adulthood. Sigh.

Iamwoman's picture

I'm far from perfect though! I have exploded several times. I'm not proud of it, but honestly what some of these kids put us through is too much for one human being to handle.

DD also was lazy with schoolwork. We forked out $5000 for tutoring one year, just so we didn't have to deal with doing it ourselves. She actually is very intelligent but epically lazy. I think tutoring helped because she had another person telling her what we've been telling her all along.

DD is most likely on the spectrum, but I refuse to have her labeled. My brother used to arm flap and tongue suck to self soothe (definitely on the spectrum), but nobody labeled us back then, and now he is a successful attorney (who still arm flaps and tongue sucks... but now only in complete privacy... to self soothe). After teaching for 14 years, I never saw a single solitary case where officially diagnosing a child who is high functioning has helped. In fact, it was always the complete opposite: the kid would go into deep depression and start failing school. Every. Single. Time.

DD16 is doing well now. She has only turned I to what I would call a "normal human being" within the past 10 months. 
 

Your SS is in special ed classes though, so he definitely has more traits. 
Don't beat yourself up. 
Take it one day at a time.

Pamper yourself.

YOU are the one who should be admired, not me. I've made tons of mistakes.

somethingwicked's picture

The SS is there 24/7.Your DH travels for work.The biomother is MIA,I take it.

How about DH's parents taking their grand son for some days or the whole week?

Or has DH  any adult siblings in the area to take their nephew ,the  SS,for a day or even a few hours.

Maybe there is a daycare for autistic children nearby that you could enroll skid for a few hours every day DH is away to give yourself a break. 

EveryoneLies's picture

DH's family are all in other states. During regular school times like this it's just not possible for the grandparents to help around. They do offer help during holidays and summer breaks so that was pretty much all the break I could have.

SS's mom is also in another state, about an hour and half flight away. She never initiate the "visit request," and when DH "reminds" her she just refuse to see him (but she said it in a way like she's doing us a favor ha!). I freaking despise this woman.

tog redux's picture

Then DH needs to find another job with less travel. You should not have to parent his kid for a week.