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DH on business trip + Feel like a freaking wicked witch.

EveryoneLies's picture

DH has to be on business trip this week. Another week fighting with my SS just about everything.

For those who don't know, my ss12 is high functioning autistic living with us full time. It's of course good for the boy, just not good for everyone else's mental health. My patience is so thin now even the smallest wrong thing SS does can trigger my full-blown anger. I would explode and then feel really bad afterwards. I hate the fact that everyone in the house has to compromise just so that he can live easier. (No, he doesn't reallly get to get away with $hit, at least not in the house) 

Whoever said autistic people can't lie just has not live with one that lies 24/7. They are not good at it, sure, but they definitely CAN lie. This is about the most annoying thing I can't stand. SS takes pride in finding the "loopholes" for whatever he's banned from (because of his bad behavior), taken away from (also because of his bad behavior), or plainly just because lying is the easiest way to get to what he wants. He lies to get away with stuff (i know, kids are like this), to impress people (there are ways to impress people without the need of lying), and sometimes really just because. 

Recently he's developed a weird habit of writing me apology notes saying how ashamed he feels. Whether he truly feels that way I don't know. What I do know is that I never feel better after receiving those freaking notes. I feel wicked (inner voice: he's just a kid, and he's on the spectrum!) and angry (inner voice: why the f do you write me this note when you know the next second you are going to do the exact thing I told you not to!). For that I already told him to cut this crap off (without saying crap), if he actually feel bad then f*cking change his behavior. Nothing works better than actually work hard on not making the same mistake like a 1000 times.

I also hate that whenever anyone seeking help/advice of how to cohabitate with an autistic spectrum, the answers they get is just "oh because they can't change it, so here are the million things you can do or them." Um, yeah, because being neurotypicals having the life a lot easier, so we just owe them that. Got it. What I know is that when I first met my DH I was completely open to the idea of having another child, now I'm really just like f it, NO. 

This year I finally get back to therapy again. The doctor told me behind anger it is fear. Sounds a bit cheesy, but i have to admit I never thought of it that way. Just this two weeks I have already put on so much weight because of the stress eating -_-. Nothing motivates me to workout. I hate how I look and how I feel everyday, but I'm also trapped and feel like I can't escape. 

why is that the BMs get to be $hit, but the SMS are expected to be model moms all the time. (I'm a BM myself but I'm not giving the father of my own craps. I don't even bother to contact him) Or maybe, it's really just women are expected to be perfect.

F-. I am so angry. Apologies for the ramblings.


Also apologies to moms of autistic kids. I know it is never easy to parent autistic kids. A lot of my frustration comes from the BM of my SS just "get away with" non-parenting, and still whenever he goes there she tries her "best" to talk shit about me. Truly not that I care, because she really knows nothing about me as much as she tried to "stalked" me digitally, being not intelligent enough she has failed. For the record..last year this "mom of the year" saw her son less than 20 days total. I envy how she still feels so good about herself. (Probably because she doesn't need to deal the crap her son is giving us????)


tog redux's picture

The thing is - you don't have to parent him either, you are choosing to. Others can have their expectations, but he's not your child, he's 100% DH's responsibility. I'd suggest finding ways to parent less, or not at all. If that makes you anxious to think about, you've found the fear under the anger (that your marriage will fall apart if you make DH be the parent like he should be). 

EveryoneLies's picture

DH is not the kind that would try to avoid his own son at all cost just because the son is a PITA. To his credit he's the main person fighting with his son for SS's homework. It's just whoever needs to help this kid with his hw would always get depressed and angry afterwards. DH is able to "forget" quicker than I could ever do (After all, his son).

I think my DH is a good parent, but my fear is that this is going to be what my life is like forever, because a $hit kid can't launch..:(