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Always someone else’s fault

EveryoneLies's picture

SS14 stb 15 lies about everything, but it's never his fault. In his mind, if he tells the truth eventually, we should all be thanking him and praising him. It doesn't matter how many times the importance of honesty is explained to him. It is always our fault, or the teachers' fault that he had to lie. 

Trying to be patient I explained all of this again, and said he could use his time with his school counselor to help with his communication skills. (He has an IEP and meets with the counceslor once a week) And he told me if he told the counselor about us CPS will be called.

Sounds to me like he thinks we are abusive to him. This is not the first time he mentioned CPS. I asked him how he plans to explain to CPS why he doesn't want to live with his mom and still wants to live with us since we are so abusive. He doesn't have an answer. I don't know if he thinks that it will be a "punishment" for us if CPS is called. Like does he think we will then have to do exactly what he says in the way he wants after CPS is called? Really we have nothing to fear even if CPS is called (matter of fact, BM had called CPS on DH before we even met each other, not even new to him). It just makes you feel cold when you tried everything to help a person hoping he can be on his own. 

We are all so stressed out because of him, but of course, he alone is the victim. He has everything he needs and beyond, but we still owe him. 


ESMOD's picture

Sorry SS but CPS doesn't consider it abusive for parents to have reasonable expectations of behavior and conduct in the home.  

and.. you know... CPS should be reserved for REAL issues.. kids who are actually dealing with abuse.. not spoiled teenagers who think that they can make their own rules.

If we tell you to do a chore?  clean your room? take a bath?  all those are normal and not CPS worthy.. you lip off?  refuse to do what we tell yo.. refuse to go by house rules.. we get to punish you.. we can ground you.. take your electronics.. make you do more chores.. all that makes us good parents... if it wasn't such a waste of their time.. they would probably laugh in your face.. 

EveryoneLies's picture

Haha, exactly. That's what I told him too. Secretly I wish he would call CPS and get told this in his face. I don't want to waste the resource on this kind of stupid claims when they could be helping kids who really need help though. 


AgedOut's picture

it sounds like he's trying to threaten you w/ CPS in order to get what he wants. Call him out on it. 

"Using the threat of CPS to get me to do what you want will not work. We will not cave in to you just because you're threating us. "

EveryoneLies's picture

I offered him to live with his mom and he is welcome to come back and visit. To be honest I think we'd have a lot less conflicts because we will not need to be on his arse to make sure he's function since he will only be coming to us to "visit." Well he doesn't want that. 

He had mentioned CPS and I explained to him it doesn't work the way he thinks. He stopped that stupid claims for a while and mentioned again last night (eyeroll).

EveryoneLies's picture

Worse would be him going to live with his mom. Lol And he kept telling me he doesn't want that.

ESMOD's picture

Oh.. SS.. could you really call them?

That might be a great idea kid.. I mean.. we can certainly tell them that we can't handle you and that you would probably do better in a more institutional setting.. GREAT!  that is a good Idea.. I have been wanting to set up a workout room.. yours will work super for me.. since you will be in the dormitory with the boys at the home!

You knkow.. to think that I thought you wren't that bright. but you are smart like a fox there !  wow... great idea.. will be so helpful.


EveryoneLies's picture

I'm laughing so hard *ROFL*

it's just ridiculous when I was telling him he should talk and work with another adult if he doesn't want to share thoughts with us, all I got was that line about calling CPS (I thought I was being reasonable!). Sometimes you can't reason with this kid. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would be tempted to call the counselor at school and share this conversation. Like you said, you have nothing to fear from CPS.

My SS21 ran away a few times before DH and I were ever together. If he didn't get his way that was how he would get attention. With him, when he was younger and a teen, any attention was fine- good, bad, didn't matter. 

At one point he told me that he would call the cops on me if I didn't leave him alone (I was fussing at him to clean his pigsty room). Luckily for me, we was 18 at this point so I picked up the phone and said no problem, in fact I will call them for you and they can escort you from MY HOME. You are an adult and you have are living here by my grace and kindness. He never mentioned anything like that again.

You can't quite do that with your SS but you can tell him that if he wants to continue with that line of thought, you will have no problem dropping him off at his mothers and that will be the end of any perceived "abuse" he thinks is going on here. Expectations and rules are not abuse. Also, you will not tolerate threats from a child living in your home. 

EveryoneLies's picture

I want to do that too. I don't feel the school sees or treats me as a decision making parent though, even when DH put me on the contact sheet every semester, I don't get any notifications from school. (Probably a blessing anyway XD) That means DH will have to make that call to the school, but I'm not sure he'd like to do that. 

Often times DH and I feel very alone in the conflicts we are dealing with SS. We feel there's no one to talk to about it.I have steptalk, thank god, but I don't think DH has any outlet to talk it through, except with me. 

To be honest I really don't know what SS was thinking when he blurted out that line. I really have no problem dropping him at his mom's, I don't care I'd be the witch (I already am anyway), he knows it but he still tries to push. 

justmakingthebest's picture

It is really hard to deal with an HF Autistic kid. I know my husband doesn't have the patience that I do with SS21. He always wants to correct him, I let about 80% of it go and only focus on statements/comments that can get him really in trouble in the world. My SS doesn't get sarcasm and he doesn't understand social cues. It makes things very awkward sometimes. 

I obviously don't know your SS and can only relate it to my experiences, but from what I can tell, the inner dialogue doesn't exist. He doesn't understand consequences for actions. Lying is easier than the truth- because he can keep trying to change the lie but the truth is fact. Fiction is often blurred with reality. Relationships are a burden, it doesn't matter if it's family or friends. 

There isn't much that I can do to change any of those things. All I can do is keep our rules and expectations consistent and hit him where it hurts when he does something that needs an action- for SS, that is his phone. Taking that away is brutal for him. 

EveryoneLies's picture

I want to believe that inner conversation didn't exist in my SS. Maybe it really doesn't exist. However every time he was caught a lie, if not right away, he always smirk like he was smarter than us (no, this is not in my head. He really does this every time), disregarding the fact he was still caught in his lies.

It seems like he's always trying to find a short cut in everything. And I meant EVERYTHING. I told him each lie he dishes out requires way more truth being told consistently to build the trust again, and he told me "oh ok, i will start telling you random truth to build that." He really is not stupid so it appeared to be a smarta$$ comment from him. This is all at the cost of his relationship with others, but he can't see or he doesn't care. 

And i guess i can't discount the possibility of teenagers are a$$holes anyways. Not a good combination haha.

simifan's picture

Just FYI -  a stepparent is considered a “parent” under FERPA if the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home

EveryoneLies's picture

In other words....responsibilities without rights! Lol I understand the definition and rules, it's just the school doesn't include me for everything SS related. This is the same school district of my DD, where I put DH as stepparent and he's always in loop.

But I guess i should ask myself whether I really want to be included. There's been no joy so far anyways.