Going onto the 9th year knowing SS..
Wow! I can't believe last time I post something was 2 years ago.
Life hasn't always been all rosy and rainbows, but I feel now I finally kind of learn how to center myself. Not without a cost though, I've gone through so many different cancer treatments, and just finally be at a stage that I don't need to go to the hospital anymore. It was a blessing that I was able to find out before the cancer cell spread. I do feel like the whole experience let me rethink how I should treat myself and my love ones.
I know disengage has been talked about so often here, but only after I was too busy taking care of myself with cancer treatments was I really able to learn to disengage. I haven't mastered it yet, but at least I'm not bothered as much as before anymore.
SS hasn't really changed much. Same lying, same slacking, and same breaking my collection of things, and damaging the house that we don't own. He will be 18 in just a few months, and still has no idea how to take care of himself (but he's very confident so I guess we need not worry). My fear of him living with us forever is still there, but it does seem like DH is not going to let that happen because it really is a pain living with this kid. I don't know what we will do with SS, and I don't know what SS is going to do with his own life either.
This has been such a lonely journey for DH and I, I'm so grateful that my MIL is very understanding of the challenges that we face, so at least we aren't hearing the "you should be more patient with SS" kind of bs.
Of course my anger and resentment is still there for me to deal with. I feel I'm finally on the way to take care of myself now. Doesn't mean I won't be back once in a while to whine about things though, haha!
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I'm so very glad to hear that
I'm so very glad to hear that you managed to discover your cancer at an early stage! But Hon, you must understand that continuous stress weakens the immune system; the difficulties with your selfish SS has, without a doubt, contributed to your illness. It's imperative for your health that you maintain that disengagement and take care of you!
All the best, good to hear from you again.
Yes! I totaly agree! I didn't
Yes! I totaly agree! I didn't tell DH or SS this but my side of family all feel SS has been part of the contribution to my condition haha! That, on top of my $hitty manager. After going through all the treatment though, I now learned to look away. I can't fix every problem, so I don't need to deal with it evey time.
After HS graduation, drive him past the local homeless camp on
After HS graduation, drive him past the local homeless camp on the way to the all services military recruiting office.
Then on the way home, tell him he has 2wks to make his decision. Enlist, get dropped at the homeless camp, or get out and make his own way to finish growing up on his own time and his own dime.
Though our situation at that time for us, and yours are not identical, ours was foundering after HS graduation as he approached his 18th B-day at the end of that summer. We had to light a burning platform to get him to launch. He chose to buckle down and finish HS on time and with honors, then after some adjustments and various uncomfortable motivation driven consequences, he launched into his not nearly 14yr military career. In 6yrs and 5wks he will reach his full retirement qualification date.
His mom and I are very proud of him. Though he was lucky to make it to 18 without one or the other of us strangling him. It was a closely run thing. He survived only because we could never agree to do him in at the same time. One or the other of us was willing to give him just one more day when the other was at the end of their rope.
Congratulations on your great outcome on your cancer treatment journey. Stress can destroy health and result in major issues. Time for SS to GTF out and stay out. IMHO.
Never forget to take care of you.
DH doesn't want SS to go to
DH doesn't want SS to go to military if college is an option. SS applied a few schools but to be honest with the little effort he does I doubt he can graduate even if he is accepted. I was hoping that he can start learning a trade in his last year in high school, but since I'm not the bio parent, it's not really up to me to decide. DH is really close to take him to tour the homeless shelter though.
we've told both kids that we do not plan to house them forever, not sure how much it has sinned in with SS.
although I wasn't close to dying (thank god) at all, dealing with cancer got me reprioritize things in my life. I guess it's a blessing in disguise haha!
The skilled trades are a great potentially high income option.
However, to get to top tier earnings levels in the trades takes a crap ton of focus, training, certifications, dedication, and work requiring absolute reliability and performance.
I wish I had the option of the military out of HS. I was an honor student, the top graduate in my class. What facilitated that was a highlyt structured military school environment. I was Dx'd as a T-1 diabetic at 16 which took the military off the table for me.
When I graduated I wanted to return for 2yrs of JC. My dad did not support that since I could not commission as an officer or serve in the military so he and my mom vectored me to university. That started an 11yr journey of several colleges, universities, starting my own company, and a failed marriage before I finally completed my undergrad degree.
I did not consider the trades. In hind site, I defiately should have.
I have made much of my 40yr career leading large trades based businesses and organizations. Skilled tradesmen/tradeswomen are incredible. I would have the life and career that I have without them. It was only after reaching executive/director level roles decades into my career that some in my organizations did not out earn me. Skilled trades are that highly compensated.Something that I fully spport and celebrate. I have my while career in industrial services.
That is the thing, to succeed
That is the thing, to succeed in anything, it requires efforts and dedication, that neither of which I see SS processes. (I believe DH actually feels the same way as me) but you never know, I was hoping that if he gets to learn a trade maybe he would end up fining a passion and actually set him onto a career.
well that didn't happen because DH wants the kid to go to college, which I also understand, since it definitely can feel like a good office job requires a college degree. It's not like I don't want the best for SS, I just think he's definitely not ready now.
All I really want is this kid to be able to support himself one day.
Rags, my comment to
Rags, my comment to EveryoneLies (take care of you!), was pure plagiarism; a duplication of your judicious advice. Hope you don’t mind my using it first?
As you wish.
No worries at all.
Anything I blather on STalk, is free for use by STalkers.
Yo, me 'ol buddy! You do not
Yo, me 'ol buddy! You do not blather...
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Awww. Thanks.
Make SS. Go
to a live ar college, Get him out of the house, CA has state schools. community college that has to take him. Even if he doesn't graduate high school. 1
I want that too!
For both DH and I, we want him to live in the college but also so afraid that he's just going to make a mess there and get kicked out. (Not to mention failing classes since no one is going to remind him turn in hw)
I personally also worry that he's going to set fire and burn the dorm down or something and we end up with a crazy debt. This worry is not from nothing either. DD and I have found him playing fire in the bathroom (why!??). He sneaks the lighters, torch, and candles and lit them up in the bathroom. (Then deny it's him)
I don't even want to understand anymore. I just look forward to the day that this goes away .
Fire setting is a bad omen.
Along with some other things, like callousness, lack of remorse, persistent rule breaking and disregard for authority, it's a symptom of antisocial personality disorder, AKA sociopathy/psychopathy.
It's also particularly disheartening to read that even in the face of cancer, your SS did not consider turning his behaviour around.
But then again, my SO's children did not give a hoot with their own mother dying in hospital, and would prefer to lay into each other, completely ignoring her over a biscuit, where they had to be taken out. This was not a one-off, but rather on a regular basis. What hope do we have then?
Not to excuse this kid, I do
Not to excuse this kid, I do think why he reacts this way is at least partially due to his ASD. He thinks of no one before thinking of himself, and he's always the top priority of his life...and other people's (at least that's how he considers it, even if perhaps unconsciously).
I didn't really expect him to change his behavior after my cancer diagnosis. It is just very ironic because he accuse me of "lying" to him by not telling him right away when I learned that I got cancer. He doesn't understand that diagnosis could possibly had any influence on me and my life, but just that his feelings were hurt because he is not the first person to know. If this is not selfish then I don't know what it is.
Yes, ASD can interfere with putting oneself in others’ shoes.
My steppos have that and ADHD. But I have also met plenty of non-neuro typical kids through work, and while reading and understanding others doesn't come naturally to them, it's also a cause for a major sadness for them, because they so desperately want it and want to do the right thing by others. Many spend hours on YouTube learning how to take perspectives, read social cues etc.
Also, there's a window of opportunity to improve those skills in childhood for them, which your SO has clearly missed and ignored.
Deleted duplicate.
Deleted duplicate.
He is selfish and rude. Period. Dot.
I don't give a crap what pseudo science syndrome of the moment someone has pinned him with.
While I get that some people legitimately have social/behavioral syndromes, the preponderance of it these days has to be bullshit. No one ever heard of any of this crap until fairly recently (from the mid 20th century on). I think in large part is is a massive industry to make excuses for shit parents and their ill behaved progeny. When behavior and manners were paramount in parenting..... this stuff was so rare as to be mostly unknown.
My son struggles with anxiety and PTSD. We also have a very dear friend who is suffering from PTSD and other issues from an extremely contentions divorce from a toxic spouse of over 30 years. While I get that things happen and people deal with things differently, I struggle with the choices that they both make under the auspices of their trauma. I recognize their trauma, I hurt for them, but I tend to take the "get out of your own way and use your head" stance. I listen, I speak with them kindly, but I do tend to ask them what they are going to do about it and how they are going to get back to living a happy engaging life.
All IMHO of course.
I am so happy to hear of your recovery.
Defend the hill of your peace and calm.
Take care of you.