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Stealing, lying, and no remorse

EveryoneLies's picture

Autistic Ss13 is never the most honest person, it doesn't matter what the stereotype says (e.g. autistic people can't lie). He lies and cries then throws a fit when he's caught and he knows he's lying. I feel there is nothing more we can do to make SS a better human being.

I don't know how to form a relationship (even a civil one) with this person. I tried to trust him and give him more than second chance and benefit of doubt.  Each time only end up feeling betrayed and being taken advantage of. I freaking hate to see his face or hear his voice now, but there is no escape especially now.

I feel bad feeling this way, and I feel worse that everyone else in the family thinks we are doing a great job with this kid. I feel so fake. (We never do or post anything online to pretend how great we are doing. It is just people's kind comments having negative effect on us because we didn't feel the same. I said we, because DH feels the same as I do. That came out in a frustrating arguement between us)

I so much wish we don't have to live with him. I fear more that it might end with we stuck with him forever (because he can't freaking launch), or I leave DH (because as can't freaking launch).


JRI's picture

I dont have any advice but how frustrating this must be.  My SD5o is a liar and thief but if she were autistic on top of that, wow.  I'm unfamiliar with autism, is there some kind of support organization?  You are probably not the only parents who have faced this scenario..  Again, all my empathy for this tough situation.

EveryoneLies's picture

Thank you very much for your kind words. I get all kids lie for different reasons, but most are remorseful after being caught. Not my SS. I am just really tired of writing it off as "he's autistic, and he doesn't know better" or "he's autistic, so he express his remorse differently." *dash1*

It will get better's picture

My SKs are 11 and 15. They're not autistic as far as I know. SD 11 is diagnosed ODD, but I think there's more.   Both lie, manipulate and sneak almost constantly.  They are also extremely sweet and charming around other people (It's part of their manipulation I think. They are super nice and sweet, you think they're good kids so you let your guard down and treat them as such. Then they manipulate, sneak, lie, destroy etc).

I have tried so many times to teach them, lead by example, have the heart to hearts etc.  It seems like you get through and they understand, then the behavior starts again. I don't trust them. I don't like them.  There is no effort on their part to do better. They just don't seem to care.  I have completely disengaged and they act like they're hurt about it! Like they can't figure out why?!?!? I can only be lied to and taken for a fool so many times!

Of course, they turn on the charm to the outside world so I look like the angry a hole. Anyone who doesn't believe me is free to be their next victim.  

My disengagement is causing problems in my marriage, because no matter how much my DH sees their behavior and is upset by it, he has the bio parent rosed colored glasses and strongest denial some days. He can't understand why I can't just love them.  It's so hard.  I have no answers and no advice, just letting you know that I get it. 

EveryoneLies's picture

Sorry your husband and SSs "don't understand" why you can't "just" love the kids. I'm really frustrated with the reaction of "why can't you just trust me" from SS. Well, duh, you lie all the time so why should anyone trust you. The "they can't figure out why" is just outright outrageous.

My DH is not in denial about the situation, but he also doesn't want to deal with SS. In some way I feel sad for the kid  that no one seems to be able to form a relationship with him (except my DD, i don't know how she does it). But on the other hand, you reap what you sow...he kept crossing the boundaries and it's just hard to blame others for not wanting to be around him. 

I especially hate it when the perpetrators act like they are the victims. I admire you being able to disengage. I'm learning my way to do so.

Harry's picture

It's is first DH.  If DH  doesn't want to parent his autistic DS  and try's to get you to parent his kid you are in trouble.

You must make DH start taking care of his son, or let BM have him.  You must disengage from SS care, Hr lies and most likely you can't do anything about that.  This kid is never going to larnch. He either going to be with you the rest of your life or he has to be in a group home.

Your marriage may not last,  Think about.  IF YOU LEAVE.  WHAT is DH going to do ?  Stay home all day and take care of his DS.?  Think not   He would give DH to BM to find care for him.  SO why doesn't he do this now ? 



EveryoneLies's picture

BM hasn't been involved for slightly over a year now. No phone calls, no nothing. DH has not been enjoying his son's presence much either. 

DH had SS with him because it was the best interest for the kid (spoiler alert, BM not the mom of the year, surprise!), he did that before he met me. I sometimes think about adding a time limit how long I want to stay if SS keeps staying with us. It's abundantly obvious to me SS is not going to be independent when he's 18, or 20, or possibly even 25. DH thinks SS will be able to be on his own, but doesn't know where he will stay if not.

We want to buy a house, but I'm secretly hesitant because seriously nothing nice lasts in our home (thanks to ss who breaks our stuff). I also fear a nice house would be a big lure for him to stay. I do not want to "serve" this kid once he's an adult.