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Ss seems dedicated in not putting any effort

EveryoneLies's picture

Ss16, ADHD +ASD.

we just came back from an amazing vacation (without the kids), and just one day in the house with ss completely nullified the whole after-vacay effect.

ss has just been reading online or physical coming books during his class time. Not completing class work, doesn't correct homework, and surprised when he got Ds and Cs in tests. (Even one F, but the teacher let him retake and he was able to make it a B) 

when we address these issue at home, he'd be all teary and saying he now knows that he should be putting in more effort. This is nothing new though, he has been saying this since 7th grade, nothing has changed.

DH got really frustrated/angry at times and told ss that he will not support ss after he turned 18, if ss doesn't get into college. DH also told ss that he will be on his own, out of this house if ss is not in college. 

And ss decided to write these into his film script assignment. Lines like "once you are 18 you will be kicked out and no one will help you" or "you are just a moron" ( we never said that to him). In his mind he is the victim. If we follow him around and make sure he complete all task he thinks he doesn't get the trust he deserves (doesn't matter that he was the one to destroy that trust). If we don't follow around, he think we don't offer the help he needs (or worse, we refuse to help him, how dare we!)

Ss constantly hold onto the angry words DH said, twist the meanings, and blame DH (or me) for his own failures. 

maybe I'm looking into this too much, but I'm very emotionally tired and angry. It is that people constantly trying to help him, and he just doesn't seem to appreciate.

i really wish all these will end by him moving out at 18. But at this rate ss will most likely be homeless unless his mother takes him.


justmakingthebest's picture

I know with my SS23 who has similar dx's, the only time we can make an impact is if something affects him drastically and immediately after the incident. It has to be logical consequences.

For example, yesterday I came home to a pile of dishes in the sink. The dishwasher was 1/2 filled with dirty dishes (I unload every morning before work). SS just DGAF and put them in the sink. So fine- I'm not cooking for you and allowing more dishes to get left in the sink. I told him when he woke up (he works night shift). He was mad and left to buy food, but it make an impact. He had to go out before work, when he usually likes to play games. He had to spend his money. Hopefully he will do better today- but I can certainly play this game! 

School was a nightmare for him. We honestly made a big mistake by allowing him to graduate. We found out his last semester of HS that there is a program in VA that allows kids to move to the vocational school and stay to 21 with special needs. We should have done that, but we didn't know. 

EveryoneLies's picture

This is what I think will happen for us, but I'm not sure if DH still wants to support Ss after 18 if the kid doesn't put effort to better his own life. DH has been really mad (still mad) after finding out these missed school work (yet again) and doesn't even want to talk to ss.

And those stupid "games" they play. I b*tch enough that my ss will definitely put the dishes into the dishwasher, it's kind of a built-in process for him now, except he might not rinse them. When there is a shortcut, you will see my ss on that route.

i should check to see if we have the vocational training program here in CA too. SS thinks that we are too hard on him, as if other people would be willing to take his cr@p.

Rags's picture

doing  his homework then not turning it in, etc.  We told his teachers to take his desk, make him stand in the front of the classroom, and to tear any book he was reading in half and throw it away.  The teaching team lost their minds with that advice.


He learned that if he passed all of his classes the first 6wks of every semester, he could do absolutely nothing for the second half of the semester without being held back.  Since the next semester had different classes (block scheduling), there was no risk of failing.  The only way to fail a semester was to fail the same two classes two 6wks in a row. So, SS would be a straight A student the first 6wks.  And a straight F student the second 6wks except for Band.   It drove his teachers nuckin futz.  He was always extremely polite and well behaved.  So when he pulled his second six weeks do nothing phase we would get calls asking about drugs, home issues, etc..... Nope. We rode him hard at home, he has never done drugs and did not drink.  

After his Sophomore year, we sent him to Military Boarding school.  Which made a huge difference in his school performance. He became an academic star, sports star, military leader, etc.....  Until... the Spermidiot hacked the school fire wall and SS would stay up all night playing WoW with SpermDaddy and failed the first semester of his Sr. year.  We brought him home at Winter break because we would not spend that kind of money just to get him a diploma from a top 20 school in the nation if he was not going to use better judgement.  He finished HS on time and with honors from our local HS (#1 HS in the state) but his life was a living hell the last semester of his Sr. year. He loved the Military School.  Yanking him home was the biggest lesson his mom could teach him.  I told DW that she had to be the one to do it, to sit him down for the come to Jesus discussion on his choices, and make it clear to him that the consequences were entirely on him.  She scared the Holy shit out of that kid.  Disappointing his mom is not something he likes doing.

He is kicking ass as an adult.  We are very proud of him.

SS was recently Dx'd with ADHD. He is 31.  He is now on meds. It has made a huge difference in his enjoyment of life and significantly reduced his work stress as he can maintain focus far better.

EveryoneLies's picture

I wish we could afford the milatary school..but even we could, I think my DH has concerns and doesn't want to send ss there. Ultimately, it is DH's call. 

Your ss sounds like he knows how to actually achieve academically, it was just that he also learned to game the system lol. My ss doesn't know how to study, regardless of many different try (from us), if we are not watching him, he will not be doing work. Because reading comic books is much more fun than studying (duh, no $hit).

my ss is already on meds, and seriously now he also leanred to blame on his pill for his failure...if we couldn't get it refilled on time (there is a National shortage on the med)..

so tired of all these bullshit...

Harry's picture

Know how to work the system.  Have a lot of practice at it.  They know what to say to social works, Doctors,, and DH.  "'. Nothing is ther fault. They are trying.  Just had a brain fart ".  But DH isn't doing anything but complaining to you. Is he taking away his internet. ,,cell phone,, internet at home?  Is DH actually doing anything except the big talk ?  It's DH it's his problem,, He failing at parenting his kid.  

EveryoneLies's picture

Oh he and I both tried everything, taking away devices and all. Nothing works. If we don't let him use devices, obviously he can just grab a Chromebook at school. (His phone has only map and call function, so we didn't take it away.)

sometimes parents, even the bio ones, can't fix everything.

justmakingthebest's picture

When it comes to special needs kids, there isn't a fix sometimes. As hard as that is to admit, there just isn't. 

I know that DH and I have done everything humanly besides quitting our jobs to follow SS23 around and hold him accountable every second of every day. There have been calendars, rewards charts, consequences, reminders, alarms, life coaches, job coaches, therapists- EVERYTHING. But sometimes, Autism just makes it impossible. 

Rags's picture

for a special needs kidult who  at least has the capacity to choose to move around the country?  

I would look at getting a special needs kidult made a ward of the State to protect retirement assets and to ensure that they have adequate oversight by authorities.

The parents of one of my childhood BFFs had him made a ward of the State when he was in his mid 20s to protect their assets and to get him the support needed to maintain his treatement for Schizophrenia and to ensure that he can be institutionalized and forced to stay on his meds when/if he decides to stop taking them.

He is now 60 and primarily lives in a garage apartment at his parent's home.  His younger brother will become his unofficial guardian using my BFF's half of their parent's resources when the parents pass.  My childhood BFF has outlived the post Dx outside timeline that was the data point as when he was Dxd.

They also have a condo in the State he is a ward of that is his "official" address.  The parent's home is just over the State line.

My perspective is that I would likely vector to engaging State benefits as early and durably as possible with a Special needs child. So that I could ensure their care, support, and to preserve my ability to aid in optimizing their quality of life beyond what they would live as a Ward of the State.

IMHO of course.