Smells and clothes again… some more
After a pleasant week off, SS13 came back over yesterday. As usual, the unbearable stench hit us when he got in the car. (He always comes over from BM's absolutely reeking of pet-related smells. It's not BO.) DH had to open the sunroof and roll down windows until we got home. When we arrived home, DH told him to go up and shower and to bring his clothes down to the washer. He got the bag of sports uniforms and dumped them straight in there as well.
I go on prepping lunch. Eventually, SS comes down -- wearing the same tracksuit he was wearing before.
DH: What's this? I told you to bring your clothes down to wash. Why did you put them back on?
SS (in a clear "you're a moron" tone): I just put it on this morning.
DH: Does it smell like cat?
sS sniffs it, then stomps off upstairs. I swear, the kid has no common sense. DH has explained the smell issue to him -- DH is highly allergic to cats, so the odor alone is enough to get to him.
Later, DH took him to buy some new clothes on the way to baseball practice. He's growing like a weed and we thought it might be a good idea to get him some new, bigger pieces heading into summer. Apparently, SS had a major attitude and lagged behind, rolled his eyes, kept saying "I have stuff that fits", in the "you're a moron" tone. DH gave up and told me he'll go get him stuff later this week and just go alone. So, SS won't have a say in what he ends up with.
Evety time he comes from his mom's, he has new clothes, new shoes (when he hasn't outgrown the previous ones).
He practically drips with disdain over here. Some of that is being a teen. But some of it is him, I'm certain. And he's well aware of the differences between houses. BM has no expectations and buys whatever he wants. Opposite over here.
We're in the path of totality for the eclipse, and schools are out. His school sent a message to parents that kids were given eclipse glasses last week at school. DH bought a couple for us. He mentioned glasses to SS and he replied in an incredibly snotty tone that, no, the school didn't give them glasses. When DH tried to talk about it and how big a deal it is, SS contradicted everything. DH said there won't be another here for 21 years.
SS: (scoffs) No. 400 years.
Me: Pretty sure it's 2045.
SS (you're an idiot): No.
Me: So I guess you know better than NASA, then?
That finally shut him up. That and him looking it up and seeing that, yeah, he was wrong.
I know teens are pains, but I seriously cannot stand this kid.
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Hugs to you
It seems he exhibits passive-aggressive behavior. It's disheartening when your intention is to show kindness to someone, yet they continually disregard and belittle you and your efforts.
Remember, its NOT you - its him!
That's what I tell DH. I don
That's what I tell DH. I don't really deal with it as much because at this point I barely talk to the kid at all.
Apparently, BM told DH he sometimes had the attitude with her, but she doesn't plan to address it. "I'm just going to let him be him." Well, if "him" is an obnoxious jackass...
It also doesn't help that BM's parents are continuing their habit of giggling and "aww, so cute" at everything SS does. It drove DH nuts when he was married to BM and they encouraged undesirable behaviors.
A friend of mine once said to me, "so many people don't get it. They look at their kid and see their baby/little boy. The rest of the world is going to see a young man and nothing he does will be 'cute.'" (She wasn't speaking about SS, but might as well have been.)
There's WHO you are and then
There's WHO you are and then there's HOW you behave.
No one wants to change the WHO, but it is certainly possible to change the HOW.
For example: I loved WHO my XBF was, but I didn't like HOW he behaved. He made a choice. He could change how he behaved, but chose not to.
We all can grow and learn better ways. The BM is an idiot. She's just "letting him be him" because she's lazy AF.
Agreed. But BM has a long
Agreed. But BM has a long history of placating SS or just ignoring problems. DH tells me she always had trouble handling it when SS was upset. Also, my understanding is SS was a very difficult baby/toddler/preschooler. So, I think she just got in the habit of appeasement. DH is better, but also guilty of "I don't want to deal with it."
Teens can be bratty jerks. Doesn't make it ok. And you do a child a disservice by letting him get away with it.
Maybe, maybe not! There are
Maybe, maybe not! There are a lot of toxic workplaces out there - he could find his niche!
Allow me to share a story that closely aligns with what you're encountering.
During my time in the workforce, it was perplexing to witness mid-managers, and line managers who engaged in bullying behavior towards their colleagues and subordinates go undisciplined by those in higher management positions.
One notable example was a manager who, with her overbearing and domineering attitude akin to a "witch on a broomstick" and suffering from a Napoleon complex, managed to conceal her lack of competence for five years. She exerted control over the most ambitious and competent employees, ultimately driving them away while blaming her department's failure to meet deadlines, which she described as the incompetence of the staff she claimed to be forced into micromanaging.
They loved her! Upper management, observers of her tyrannical displays, would frequently retreat into the shadows, contorting themselves into the semblance of malevolent caricatures of villains straight out of Austin Powers films. With their hands veiling their grins, they reveled in concealed mirth, watching with undisguised glee as their mentee inflicted her reign of terror upon those they dismissively labeled as 'peons.'
UNTIL the narrative took a stark turn when the witch on her broomstick, full of her own hubris, directed her fury on upper management themselves with her outrageous demands, suddenly, it wasn’t so funny!
They planned her demise. Upper management actively 'encouraged' her subordinates to formally report her behavior, ignore her directives, and blatantly disrespect her. She lasted…oh… just under three weeks.
The narrative repeats, albeit the skin suits are different – a line manager engaged in the sexual harassment of female employees until his behavior extended to a pregnant woman. Bloated with arrogance and a sense of invincibility from years of unchecked misconduct, he brazenly uttered numerous racial slurs at the woman during her dismissal. This egregious act provided her with ample grounds for a lawsuit against the company, a legal battle she ultimately emerged victorious.
My stepdaughter exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, positioning herself as a bully with a knack for sycophancy. She's adept at manipulating those in authority, especially her father, whom she plays like a violin, all while mistreating those she considers beneath her—like me, the stepmother. She worked her magic at a high school club and got promoted by her teacher, who thought she was ‘wonderful.’ Until a few dozen parents got tired of their kids getting bullied, Then SD wasn't so ‘wonderful!’
SD is destined to be a sycophant bully line manager or mid-manager. She’ll abuse others UNTIL she does something to hurt or embarrass management. Then she won’t be so ‘wonderful!’ She’ll get another job (lots of toxic workplaces out there), and her cycle shall repeat itself over again!
Your stepson's traits, cultivated by his other family, mirror those of my stepdaughter. Thus, much like her, he's likely to achieve a measure of success (until his hubris destroys him), provided he has mastered the art of charm and the 'wonderful' skill of sycophancy.
I can’t help my SD – psychopaths become bullies – it's not the other way around.
You are probably witnessing the making of a future toxic line or mid-manager.
Very interesting observations
Very interesting observations. And you're probably right.
From what I've witnessed, there's not a lot of charm at work with SS. No clue what he's like at school. I get the impression he's just kind of there.
DH has witnessed hints that he may be starting to show attitude with his baseball coaches, not just parents. And I do know that last year, in the main class he didn't like, he was sullen and silent and uncooperative.
He's definitely not the type to suck up. I think he leans more to the "overly confident -- openly so" end of the spectrum.
Could your DH possibly
Could your DH possibly explore the option of therapy for his son? Therapy could serve as a safe space for his son to develop skills in emotional regulation or simply to have a supportive ear for conversation.
While therapy has aided my SD in managing her emotions, it hasn't spurred self-reflection in her beyond strategizing new ways to manipulate those around her or the best ways to cover her tracks. Nonetheless, it has proven beneficial as it provides her with a 'supply' that contributes to her emotional stability. Therapy offers her a sympathetic listener, reinforcing her narrative that the entire world is conspiring against her, portraying her as the perpetual victim—a notion she religiously adheres to. She is convinced that others, motivated solely by malice or a penchant for cruelty, seek her downfall or withdraw their support purely for their own twisted satisfaction. It has to be this way – BECAUSE SD has NEVER done anything to other people, ROTGL!
They've considered it a
They've considered it a couple of times in the past when problems came up. The one time they tried it, though, SS sat there and didn't speak, so they gave up. This was about five years ago.
Pissing Money Down the Toilet
In our quest to find effective support for my stepdaughter, we sought out 'top-tier' therapists, those who didn't accept insurance and came with a hefty price tag, hoping they would be the best available. The first three therapists we tried insisted on active participation from SD, including homework assignments and engagement in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) techniques.
Despite their reputations and the substantial cost—around $300 per hour—these sessions proved ineffective. SD's reluctance to engage with them rendered their expertise moot. She would spend the entire hour silently, offering no single word, not wanting to do any work to better herself.
I suggested to my DH that instead of spending $300 on therapy sessions that yielded no participation from SD, he might as well have withdrawn $300 in cash, stood over the toilet, and flushed the money away. It would have had the same effect.
BM eventually settled on a very liberal therapist, one who, during a session, professed the belief that ‘everyone is a good person’. By her logic, and her stated belief, even individuals like Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer could be considered 'good people,' framing her argument around the idea that morality is entirely relative. SD LOVED THIS THERAPIST! This therapist only costs $350 per hour and is the best, most incompetent, competent therapist DH and BM could hire to be a friend to SD. SD talks her head off! And now DH only stands at the toilet to urinate.
If your stepson isn't engaging in therapy, it might simply be a matter of having paired him with a therapist who isn't the right fit. Perhaps what's needed is a therapist who doesn't impose any need for accountability on your stepson's part, who demands no effort from him, and who will accept his negative behaviors and flawed thinking without any challenge or scrutiny.
Correction
Note that the cost of SD’s therapy was greatly exaggerated for entertainment purposes and shock-and-awe consideration. DH and BM must stand at their respective toilets every other week and flush $75 down the crapper each! A total of $150—so that SD has a ‘friend! To talk to!!’
Whatever it takes to get this Skid launched!
Oh yes. The agressive,
Oh yes. The agressive, overbearing, superiority complexed mid level leader is a nightmare. It is worse when that leader is a t a Sr. level.
I have lived this myself a couple of times in my career. One likely put me on the RIF list when I confronted "that guy". I had confronted another one before that and called them out in a meeting when they went apeship, screaming profanities, etc.... HR got involved and that guy was backed down. He never again bowed up on me or anyone else when I was around. That guiy was a retired Sr. Navy NCO. I ran into another example of the same crap with another with that same background 20 yeares later. It went about as well as it did the first time though I lost that one and was released.
The guy that likely cost me my job at that time was devious as hell. I was matrixed to him reporting wise. My solid line leaders "had my back", which was true for a while. As the complaints against him escalated I was pulled into a Director level HR investigation on him. He was removed from his role, moved to a penalty box role leading a special project that a former boss of mine was leading part of. She called me, I advised her on what I had seen, what to be cautious of, and of that I knew of the complaints against him. He walked into the all hands meeting for that team, informed everyone that what they had heard about him was true, he did not give a crap about any of them and if they did not do exactly what he told them to do when he told them to do it he would fire them all. Then walked out.
A few months later I had to RIF my entire org, 30 people. After the all clear was announced, I was called to a conference room where my solid line boss tearfully gave me my package. Not a fun experience though as a Sr. manager with long company service I ended up with 42wks of severence with full benefits forme and my family covered for that time.
Karma did arrive. About 6mos after the RIF, the toxic individual was walked out of the bldg in hand cuffs by the Federal Marshals. He was embezzling tons of money from the company. His primary minion was also discharged and told to not use the company as a reference. He never worked in the industry again. Though the minion was not charged in the embezzling activities.
I had another one of these about 15yrs later. That one was absolutely insane. As was his DW who would send emails to the entire company DL and Sr client leadership railing on her cheat, nasty, etc, DH. I was shocked that the company did not immediatly shit can the guy. It was odd. They had hired me for that guys role, he changed his mind and decided to take it after I had accepted the offer, so they created a role for me reporting to him. He would knock on our apartment door in the middle of the night (we were on assignment in Morocco) demanding my cell phone because his wife was screaming at him to call her and his phone would not work. He had tattoos on his hands and arms that he always covered with bandages. This guy was VP level. On a business road trip he bared his soul, tore off the bandages exposing tattoos with all of his marital sins spelled out. "Cheater", etc.... His DW "made" him brand himself with her mandated labels for his indescretions. He had a harem of partners in Morocco. He would try to sell his local currency to people in his team and have them send personal checks for $USD to his DW in the States. I refused those demands and highly recommended to the rest of the team to also refuse. I ended up leaving that assignment a year+ early through not as soon as he had demanded. I was promoted into another assignment and he not long after that was released.
Companies play these perception games where what is reality is ignored and what is hurt fee fees ends up with the professional quality worker being confronted or disciplined.
Though it has not always worked out well for me, I recommend strike first and do it with the best interests of the company in mind. It has worked well as often as it has not worked all that well. But, I can sleep at night either way.
Man, Rags! You’re a corporate
Man, Rags! You’re a corporate battle-scarred gladiator!
You wrote: Companies play these perception games where what is reality is ignored and what is hurt fee fees ends up with the professional quality worker being confronted or disciplined.
So true! So true!
My career has transited a
My career has transited a number of decades, industries, companies and countries. That level of movement has probably exposed me to more questionable leaders than most.
I hope that no one has to experience this kind of thing. My preference would be to not have to deal with it again.
SS is in cat smell so much he doesnt
Realize he smells. I am sure SS. highlight of coming to your home is to take a shower and change clothes. Teenagers know everything. They don't want trick questions. Like did you get glasses. Just part of life. BM must be dysfunctional if the kid smells that bad. He must have tons of friends at school. [ lol ]. At 13 boys are finding out about girls. How do you get a GF if you smell that bad. His social life must be zero.
Oh, yes. I know how teens are
Oh, yes. I know how teens are. And I'm sure it annoys him to have to shower as soon as he gets to our house, but there's no way around that. DH's eyes are watering and his nose is stuffed before we even get home (10 minutes).
No clue what the deal is at BM's. She has cleaning people in twice a week -- but even that's probably not enough to combat four dogs and two cats.
I feel bad because he goes to school every other week reeking through no fault of his own. Haven't heard anything, but I would think it impacts his social life.
IF he wanted to, I am sure he
IF he wanted to, I am sure he could learn how to wash his own clothes, including his bed linens AND he could keep the pets out of his room. Your SS is old enough to take the initiative to smell better. I wonder why he doesn't care enough.
Possibly. But smells can
Possibly. But smells can really permeate and if the whole house is that way...
DH has stood at the door before and nearly got knocked over by the stench.
Regardless, SS isn't the type to ever problem solve or show initiative.
I've been blessed with a
I've been blessed with a beautiful cat and have had cats throughout my life, so I'm all too familiar with the potent smell of their urine. Poor kid indeed! Do you suppose he's deliberately overlooking the troubling conditions of his mother's living situation? Could there be an element of shame involved for him, an unwillingness to confront the reality that his mother's way of living might not be okay?
You know, walking around smelling like cat urine can get you bullied in school? Where is his self-esteem?
Something to think about, but
Something to think about, but my gut reaction is no. Everything I pick up on is that he firmly prefers her house (where people clean up after him and he gets whatever he wants) and hates our house. This is a kid who, as recently as a year ago, had bathroom accidents in his room and neither cleaned them up nor told anyone, seemingly content to exist in the stench.
Honestly, I don't think he sees anything wrong with it.
He seems to think he and BM's family are just that awesome.
For someone to experience
For someone to experience bathroom accidents in their room, yet neither address the cleanup nor inform anyone, choosing instead to live amidst the odor, indicates a deep-seated struggle with self-loathing.
My stepdaughter battles significant self-loathing as well, manifesting through self-harm and restrictive eating behaviors. She's currently engaged in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), though it seems her therapist acts more as a "rent-a-yes-man" or a "rent-a-friend," echoing back what SD desires to hear rather than genuinely aiding her.
I've harbored suspicions for quite some time that my stepdaughter might be dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), guided by the logic of the 'duck test.' Individuals with BPD can exhibit profound instability in their behaviors and relationships, and transformative change is a challenging, often rare, outcome. There's a tendency for them to lash out or 'get you' if given the opportunity. Considering this, I would advise caution regarding this young man.
Birds of a feather flock together. Water seeks its own level.
If your stepson prefers the living conditions at his mother's place, it might indicate similar personalities or coping mechanisms. It's profoundly distressing for the other biological parent to realize, if they ever do, that their child is facing significant personality challenges and opts to pursue a life path that veers into darker territories, diverging sharply from the hopes and aspirations they harbored for them.
You make some good points and
You make some good points and I will give it all some thought. But, based on my observations over the last 7-8 years, I'm more inclined to think he's just incredibly lazy.
I do think there are some real potential challenges, though. Lying. Manipulation. Lack of empathy. And so on.
Start the immediate ridcule
Start the immediate ridicule of his stench any time he gets in the car, walks in your home, etc... As for the (you're and idiot tone) when he drops it, bare his ass. Not just with facts, but with in his face, "knock your snarky shit off" confrontation.
Order Tyvek coveralls for him to put on before he is allowed in the car. Yes, over the top I know. But.... no need for you or DH to suffer or for your cars and home to reek. Below is an option. $2.20 each. Cheap for a break to your noses. It also humiliates the nasty spawn and sends a message.
Magid Econowear Lite N Kool Polypropylene Coveralls With Attached Hood, 25/Case | Magid Glove
https://www.magidglove.com/magidr-econowearr-lite-n-koolr-polypropylene-...
Lather, rince, repeat.
I've gotten to where I call
I've gotten to where I call him out on it when I witness it. Of course, he hardly ever speaks to me at this point.
I do wonder if his awful
I do wonder if his awful attitude could be some sort of armor he developed as a result of being isolated socially (because of the smell)? The thing about kids is that the majority of them, even if they aren't trying to be unkind, are going to gravitate away from a kid who is markedly different. Smells especially are difficult for kids to ignore. Maybe he's an asshole because that way he can truthfully tell himself that he doesn't want friends anyway, as if it was his choice.
My heart always hurts for 'smelly kids' because when they're younger, they're really powerless to do anything about it. And at 13, your SS could probably shower more proactively and learn to his laundry, but if the entire house smells that bad, it's likely a losing battle.
My sister and her husband are both smokers, and their defense is "we don't do it in the house or the cars" and yet my niece and nephew always reek of stale cigarette smoke. I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to me to have to send them straight to the shower when they come to stay with me, but my daughter has asthma and we just cannot deal with the smell. I actually buy clothes that I keep here for them because once something goes into their house, the smell is not coming out no matter how many times I wash them.
I don't understand why he smells of cat pee.
I don't understand why he smells of cat pee. I have 3 indoor cats and have had as many as 5, and I know I never, not once, smelled like cat pee. My house does not smell either. And I am not the best housekeeper! Do the cats not use their litterboxes? And even if they don't, how does it get on his clothes? Unless he leaves them on the floor and the cats relieve themselves on the clothes and then he puts them on? Which is a disgusting thought. This whole situation is just so odd. I can't understand how he is not bullied at schoool.
I don't understand it either.
I don't understand it either. I'm a dog person with little cat experience but the people I've known who owned cats didn't stink and neither did their houses.
And, yeah, stinky kids were usually picked on -- if at lwastt to had no friends.