A lot is going on, but the most recent thing: A couple of months ago, for the first time, in the midst of teenage rebellion, SS17 said to me "You're not my mom." ( I have been with DH since SS was 3 and have been married to DH since SS was 5, but his BM has always had primary custody other than a couple of months here and there.) DH started defending me, but I just walked away and later explained to DH that it really didn't hurt me as much as it made it easier to disengage because of the boundaries I had set up a long time ago. After all, I am not his mother.