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BM following my lead on disengaging????? Am I Overreacting?

AwesomeGal's picture

A lot is going on, but the most recent thing: A couple of months ago, for the first time, in the midst of teenage rebellion, SS17 said to me "You're not my mom." ( I have been with DH since SS was 3 and have been married to DH since SS was 5, but his BM has always had primary custody other than a couple of months here and there.) DH started defending me, but I just walked away and later explained to DH that it really didn't hurt me as much as it made it easier to disengage because of the boundaries I had set up a long time ago. After all, I am not his mother. That statement was correct.

A few months ago, SS17 was having huge behavioral problems, enough that DH and BM (a/k/a Trust Fund Princess Whore) were actually talking. At one point, DH mentioned what SS17 said about how I was not the mother and how I had disengaged a bit and that I was always "really good at boundaries."

Fast forward to this week and DH and BM were talking about the weekend plans. SS17 wants to go to a friend's birthday party on Saturday during DH's time - Saturday night only. He will still come Friday night. (after all, their kid is now 17 and we foresee this sort of thing happening more and more in the future, right?). I'm not even sure why BM felt she needed to talk with DH about it. No big deal to us, but everything is a big deal to her. BM talks with DH and says that she understood and just didn't know for sure if it is ok to take away DH's time. DH flat out told her at one point that he is not going to fight over visitation at SS17's age.

BM's response: Well, we (meaning she and husband number three) have disengaged about his grades too (SS17 is in danger of failing a couple of classes in high school) and we have to be "really good at boundaries." She used the same exact language he used to her about me.

WTF? She isn't supposed to follow my lead in parenting. I should be able to follow her lead (if she knew how the hell to lead.) And since when do you get to disengage from your own kid???!!!??? Am I overreacting because it freaked me out that she used the same language that DH used to describe me? And it was over whether a 17-year-old was going to come Saturday night or not. Why all the need to talk and make a big deal out of it? He's 17 and drives himself and his social life is uber important at his age. IDK. It just made me feel sorry for him to hear that his own mother has disengaged from him. Will I feel differently when my 10 and 8 year old get to be teenagers?


love_my_shichi's picture

I think she's just trying to copy you. The problem is I don't think she is using the terms properly. You can't disengage about grades I don't think.....seems a little off. She's not a brainiac is she?

AwesomeGal's picture

LMAO. You hit the nail on the head. She isn't the brightest bulb in the drawer. I guess I was a little freaked out about her using that language to describe herself (the same language DH used to describe me), but considering her lack of brains...maybe she was just trying to sound smarter than she is. Thanks.

AwesomeGal's picture

"but she uses words she *thinks* will make her look more 'sophisticated' (another word she enjoys)"

Yup. That's BM. LOL

AwesomeGal's picture

BM does do that too. She recently married a lawyer and saw the term "Please advise," at the end of a lot of things he wrote. She started putting "Please advice," at the end of all her e-mails. Not only did she spell it incorrectly, but she also used it inappropriately. For instance. "SS17 said he wanted the black phone so I bought that one. Please advice." She must have thought it was similar to "Sincerely yours." I think you are right. BM must be trying to sound smarter than she is. Thanks for helping me get rid of that ickiness from BM trying to sound like me. She's just not too bright.

Yeah, I'll wait until mine are 17 and decide whether I should judge her about disengaging. Thanks for the reply...and the laugh. So many of us seem to have the same BM.