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Went to church today

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So, I woke up this morning and went to church, I spent the day with my sister and then came home. Church made me feel hopeful and confident again. I felt that I had lost it for good. When I came home, my FH tried talking to me about it but I asked that we didn't. I have an interview and a lot of school work to complete and I didn't want to be upset and not be able to function like I have been the last month. We didn't talk much today, although there is an awkwardness between us.

Things are just getting worse...

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I don't know what to do. I want to stick to my guns, but the love I have for my FH makes me compromise what I believe in. It is so hard. I can't stop crying about it. I feel like my FH is getting fed up with me and he keeps saying that I'm going to leave him. I don't want to leave him. I love him more than anything in this world. We just can't figure this out. It is scaring me to death. I have a constant knot in my stomach on top of that, I have school to think about, my work.

I am the source to his problems...

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So remember how I said I was going to stay at my parents last weekend? It never happened. I came home on Friday to another argument. I told SS14 not to light the wood stove, to wait until his father came home. He insisted and did it anyway. When FH came home I told him to remind SS that he is not to light the wood stove and it all went down hill from there.

I feel like I'm slowly fading...

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I feel so helpless...Its been about a week since I last posted. Where do I begin?

Last week was my SS14 birthday and it went well, considering I really didn't have to deal with him. My in-laws are great and I always have a good time with them. My SS14 looked absolutely miserable all night and said that it was the worst birthday ever. I really don't know why and I didn't ask...I didn't care nor did I want to know. It was probably something completely rediculous.

I'm exhausted...

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We've decided to go to counseling...I'm so exhausted. It's SS14 birthday party today and I'm not up for it. I'm so tired of fighting. I told my FH that we need counseling, because I don't want to live like this anymore...he agreed, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. He wants me to be stronger and be able to handle this without counseling, but I can't. I've barely slept this week and I'm so not up to do this party. I'm really only staying at my house for my FH. I hate feeling like this, but I don't want to even see SS14.

Round 2....

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Another blow up last night. We never had that family meeting. I ended up leaving to go to my SIL's house and wathing TV until midnight.
FH and I are better now, we talked about it and he's less stressed when we can talk. On the other hand...SS14 was out of control! It's been two weeks now and the sh** keeps hitting the fan.

Feeling numb...

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Well after last night I thought things would get better. They didn't...something is up with SS14, he doesn't want to talk or listen. I tried talking to him yesterday and he has this weird creepy grin on his face. I asked him to clean his room, he said no. I tripped on his skate board and told him to move it, he said no. I took it and put it on the porch and he said "I sware to God if you put my skate board on the grass!..." I had to cut him off. I said

FH told me that I have something against SS...

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Sad Last night I decided that it was time to talk to FH about SS14 behavior. I've tried to lay low for the past couple of days and it's drive FH crazy. I can talk to him about anything but this. He tends to get very defensive and upset with me.
Anyway, I told him about SS behavior and how it hurts me when he acts like this and when I try and talk to him about it SS is not receptive...bla, bla, bla..

Help! please

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I'm so desperate i think i'm about to make an impulsive decision to buy a dog. I've wanted a dog ever since I gave my dogs up for adoption when I was divorced 4 years ago. I just haven't been able to do to school work, and simply not having enough time.
My SS14 wants a dog and cat...he wants wants wants. I'm afraid that if I buy a pet it might get treated bad when I'm not around. My SS is so determined to push my buttons that he does what he can to try and get his bioDad to be against me. He doesn't care about what I say unless it's beneficial to him in some way.

A stranger in my own home...

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I feel like a stranger in my own home. I know all that is spoken about when I'm not in the room, then I get to smile in my SS14's face and act like nothing is bothering me. I have no solutions to the problems that have. My SS14 does not like rules, as many 14 year olds don't, there are now rules since school is back and I enforce these rules in the nicest way possible...I've even written them on a schedule where he only has to check the schedule on the calandar and he still does NOTHING.

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