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Feeling numb...

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 9:21am

Well after last night I thought things would get better. They didn't...something is up with SS14, he doesn't want to talk or listen. I tried talking to him yesterday and he has this weird creepy grin on his face. I asked him to clean his room, he said no. I tripped on his skate board and told him to move it, he said no. I took it and put it on the porch and he said "I sware to God if you put my skate board on the grass!..." I had to cut him off. I said

"what? what are you going to do? you have some balls threatening me! Who do you think you are? You better quit while you're ahead! I don't know what's the matter with you but I don't like it and I'm definitely not letting YOU walk all over me in MY house!"

It's been crazy in my house! He wants to be with his BM every chance he gets. Which is odd because he never wants to go over there. He tells his BD that he always takes my side and that I'm mean, etc... I've been in an arguing match everyday for two weeks it seems. I run away from him because I hate being angry everyday. He won't tell me whats wrong he just shrugs his shoulders and purposely pushes my buttons with this creepy look in his eye. What is this all about?

If you've read my recent blogs you know that he live fulltime with us and his mother is in and out of his life, but recently she's playing super mom and he's all about it! I just don't know what to do. I suggested to FH that we all go to counseling and he says nothing. He's used to dealing with their bi-polar personalities, happy one second and sad the next. He's learned to just go with it. He disciplins and then half our later it's like nothing happened! It's never talked about or anything. Then I'm made to feel like the odd ball because I'm still upset the next day and it's only because nothings been resolved and I have to wait until the next blow up!

Ugh! I just don't know what to do!

Comments

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 9:26am

Try not telling him to do anything for a week. If he needs to clean his room, let DH tell him, If he needs to eat dinner, let DH tell him, if he needs to take a shower, let DH tell him. If DH doesn't tell him, well that is not your problem, that is SS and DH's problem. Let them deal with each other. You dealing with your SS is giving DH the opportunity to NOT deal with him and to be the good guy, while you are the bad guy. Disengage.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:27am

Thats what I did this week and it's gotten no where because my FH needs me to remind him to be consistent if not my house will be a party house.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:27am

Thats what I did this week and it's gotten no where because my FH needs me to remind him to be consistent if not my house will be a party house.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

Squillion's picture

Submitted by Squillion on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:57am

"FH, please ask your son to...."
"FH, please ask your son to...."
"FH, please ask your son to...."
"FH, please ask your son to...."
"FH, please ask your son to...."
Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Let him go to BMs. That'll give you some time to get FH up to speed on what HIS responsibilities are... as in ALL PARENTING duties. You shouldn't have all the bad parts of parenting heaped on you, when you're not the parent. Know what I mean? It's unfair.

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 11:19am

Yes, this sounds like plan. I'll try that. Thanks.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 11:58am

Squillon is absolutely right. Be careful though, my DH and I started fighting after I kept asking him to ask his son to do things. He said I was "picking on his son" (even if I didn't ask him more than once a day). Sometimes it works because DH sees what I am talking about, sometimes it gets viewed as picking.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 9:30am

I disgree. She is the custodial SM. This is her home too and her rules should be obeyed just as much as if she were the mom.

If I were you and I tripped over something I told any kid to put away, step or otherwise, in the garbage it goes. Maybe when his stuff starts disappearing he will be a little more responsible with it and make sure it is put away.

If dad doesn't like it dad can get off his duff and insist that his son show you courtesy and respect.

On an aside, I would make my husband's life a living hell if he didn't support me on this.

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 9:46am

I agree that it's her home too and her rules should be obeyed, but it shouldn't be made to appear like these are just *her* rules, DH should take a more active role than he is, so that it reinforces the rules of the house. Hopeful SM and her DH should be discussing what's expected of SS together, and then DH should take on the role of speaking on behalf of him and her, with SM backing him up, not the other way around.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:25am

I agree with you...I don't want to be the bearer of bad new all of the time. Even thought FH backs me it's still my fault that he's backing me up. I just can't be such a softy and not care that SS is mad at me because he has to have responsibility. I have to toughen up more.

I get caught up in "why does he hate me so much?"
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:01am

I am a full time stepmom. My ss is 9. His Mom pops in and out of his life as she pleases. I have recently disengaged and am alot happier. No more being angry or sad. I do my thing and my husband takes care of his son. No more taxi cab, babysitter, chef, live in maid at this house anymore!!!

On the other hand, Dad needs to put a foot in your ss's a**!!! He should not be threatening you in any way!!! He should also be disciplining him and you shouldn't have to.

I also agree that your ss may become more responsible when his stuff disappears. We've done this at our house. Have you ever stepped on legos before, lol?

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:20am

The disengaging this is only good for a little while. It causes problems with FH and I. He hates it. But sometimes I need a breather of sanity.

FH is very good about backing me up most of the time, but he gets fed up with all the fighting too and thats when the sh** hits the fan.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 11:56am

I understand, but FH should be doing the disciplining and you should be backing HIM up, not the other way around, ss is not your kid. Its a tough situation.

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 1:08pm

Yes, I agree but DH relies on my to remind him about these things because he doesn't remember.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:14am

"weird creepy grin on his face" coupled with him suddenly wanting to see BM more? Hmmm.... I went through something VERY similar with SS9 recently. He was VERY disobedient, disrespectful yet also wanted to spend as much time as he could with BM, who sees him EOW. He normally wouldn't want to go over there or would want to come home. He as well had a weird smile on his face, and usually AFTER he spoke to her on the phone. I don't know for sure, but maybe BM is playing mind games with your SS14. It doesn't sound right...You said she's only recently started doing the supermom thing when previously, she wasn't around much? That's the same thing that happened in my case too.

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:17am

She's totally playing mind games with him. It kills me to see him get manipultated by her and then he gets his hopes up. Soon he'll be disappointed again and we (FH and I) have to pick up the pieces.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:15am

Thank you all for your support.

I just got off of the phone with my FH. We talked for 40 minutes. Its been days since we've talked, we did more yelling and sarcasm that last couple of days, and I've been hiding.

He told me that it is really hard for him to understand what is going on. He said that he fell inlove with me because of my optimism and loving personality. He knows that SS is sneaky and is an A** when he's not around, but everytime he comes home he sees that I'm upset and I tell him nothing. I told him that the reason I say nothing is because he gets so frustrated and depressed that SS and I don't get along, I rather not be the tattle tail and start a big arguement so I just go off to another room and cool off. He says thats not right, he right. So I told him I'm going to start tattling again and letting him take care of it, but I don't want to hear "you two never get along, I don't know what to do with you two, etc..." because it makes me not want to say anything. He said fine. He wants us three to have a meeting tonight and he will be there to support what I have to say and if SS doesn't like it...tough.

I'm feeling alittle optimism in the horizon...what do you all think?
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

PnutButta's picture

Submitted by PnutButta on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 10:50am

I go to counseling...and my counselor told me that with a kid, family meetings will not work. Reason is, they will feel ganged up on and there's too much pressure for them to want to speak. They'll try to tell you what you want to hear instead of how they really feel. Your DH will have to take SS and do some "bonding" with him....alone. Then SS will feel more comfortable talking and getting his feelings out, and also be more receptive to hear the rules of the house.

Everyone in your house deserves to be happy. None of you are. That means something is the matter. You need to go to counseling..these things will not work themselves out with time...they will only get worse.

Seems to me that now that BM is in the picture again, SS feels a little more empowered than he used too. In his mind, he has a bargaining chip now...if you don't do what HE wants...he'll just go to BM's house. Well, he needs to know from DH that that's not going to happen.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 11:34am

What about having a family meeting about the rules of the house. Maybe not asking him what the problem is (I know what the problem is) but reminding him that this is our (FH and I) house and we both agree on the rules.
I know he won't say anything tonight. He'll close up as usual and feel ganged up on, but FH wants to be able to let him know that We (FH and I) are on the same page and that we want the best for him and want to teach him responsibility. I think that whole idea is to show him that he can't get one over on us.
My FH has tried to talk to him several times in the past 2 weeks and SS doesn't know what to say other than that FH always takes my side and that he lets me yell and be mean to him. FH tries to explain to him that I'm right and that it's not right for him to be disrespectful towards me.

_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile

PnutButta's picture

Submitted by PnutButta on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 1:48pm

Let SS in the rule/consequence making process. That way he came up with some of the stuff and he can't blame you when he does something wrong and the punishment he gets....He chose it!

It has been working great for our family. When they do something wrong, we just have to point at the POSTED rule list. They know when they've misbehaved. We've had little arguments about it so far, other than the typical kid pouting and sometimes crying.

I'm glad DH is willing to support you.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

hopeful_sm's picture

Submitted by hopeful_sm on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 1:12pm

When I ask SS that he says "I don't know you're just mean" and I repeat the question "When have I been mean?" he says "you're yelling" and I say "Ok, why am I yelling?" he says "I don't know" so I tell him "I yell when you cut me off and don't let me finish" by that time he's cut me off again...lol he needs a doctor.
_____________________________________________________
Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile