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He made changes but I feel numb...

AlexandraL's picture

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. You can read my other blogs for more info. Basically I met a wonderful, sweet, amazing man a little over three years ago. I'd been on my own for quite a while and he was just so good to me, nice, chemistry. I slowly fell in love with him. I thought he was divorced but he didn't explain that he'd actually been separated from BM for almost two years and felt that there wasn't really any difference and was afraid to tell me his divorce was not finalized. Of course, that was three months into the relationship and I was already in love with him. Weeks after he told me they started tying up loose ends with their divorce.

Stupid me, I left a good paying job and moved to be with him. My daughter was starting high school and if I didn't leave then, I wouldn't be able to go, as I wouldn't move my kids during high school. I found another job that seemed perfect and a house to rent and we moved. The kids adjusted and loved my guy and his daughter, who is in elementary school.

We spent time together before I moved and I should have noticed red flags...well, I saw them but brushed them off because I loved him. I really didn't know the full dysfunction I was stepping into until just before my move...a BM with mental health issues, an overbearing MIL, a spoiled, princess SD with emotional issues, unresolved divorce/marriage dynamics, severe financial issues with my guy d/t divorce, BM, SD. It was awful. Still, months after I moved they moved in with us and we tried the whole blended family thing.

So many things that are posted here happened with us. Without going through all of it, the things that bothered me weren't the stupid little stuff, like being messy or lazy, but the serious dysfunction that he and his daughter brought into my home. Before that, my kids and I had been a happy little family without a bunch of drama, strife, etc. Overnight it changed for me. I couldn't deal with the fact that he'd made his daughter the total deciding factor and focus of his life. I adore my kids and always consider them as the most important factor but not THE ONLY factor. I don't do that for my kids so I sure couldn't do it for someone else's child, esp. one who was often disrespectful to me, rude, and spoiled. Add to that, my guy was scared shitless BM would PAS SD and was guilt daddy. It was awful. Constantly walking on eggshells, BM like the third party in our relationship, always texting, calling, always worrying about some crazy imaginary illness etc. Unhealthy dynamics with his mom, BM, SD. I asked him to move out.

We went to therapy. He started seeing what I was saying but couldn't change...he felt too guilty setting healthy boundaries with all these other PITA women. I finally couldn't help it. I said I love you, but I am done, call me if something changes. No man is worth being as stressed out and miserable as I was for the past couple of years.

Well, we didn't talk for a while and he contacted me some time later and asked me to meet him. He wanted to talk to me, to tell me about the changes in his life. I didn't want to go, but figured I would hear him out. He told me he finally understoof all the things I had been trying to tell him and that his time away from me made everything clear. He told me the things he wanted, which were all things I'd thought needed to change, and that he loved me and was ready to put our relationship first.

I told him I wanted him to make the changes for HIM, not me, because I could not commit to him right now and that he shouldn't make changes in hopes of being with me...he should make changes because it is the right thing for him. Since then, he has followed through on everything he told me. He also started seeing a therapist every week and made several major life changes, including a change in visitation. We still spend time together and I am so happy for him, that he's made changes that make him a happier, less stressed person, etc.

I can't get into everything here, it would take too long but I've been through hell with all the drama/dysfunction he's subjected me to. I am so proud he's made the changes/set healthy boundaries (on his own) that he needs to be happy and have a chance with any woman, as no woman could deal with his situation as it was. Still, he doesn't have everything all tied up yet and after what I've gone through, I am very wary of moving forward. I do love him but I feel numb. He's the sweetest person I know and he loves me, treats me wonderfully (my kids too) and I know he'd be a wonderful husband but I still don't feel it is right, at least right now. I've put a tremendous amount of time and energy into this and really want my feelings to come back but I wonder if the strain of the past few years have just killed something in me. Permanently damaged something. I feel guilty that I'm not "there" like he is and wanting to be there and not being there is making me feel stressed out and making it less likely. He's patient with me but I just feel guilty and restless.

I guess I can't move forward because I am no longer sure if being with him is the right thing for me. I can't fully get past what I've been through. Yes, things are different now but I still FEEL the same in many ways, and SD, BM, and MIL will always be who they are. Isn't it a deal breaker to feel like you don't want a relationship with a man's child? I did want it before, so badly, but I don't want a blended family anymore. I am not saying I wouldn't tolerate kids but I am not interested in building a blended family; I'm interested in building a relationship, that's all.

I just wonder how much longer I should wait for my feelings to come back. I feel it is unfair to him to have him so certain in me and me feel so ambivalent. It's like I am dead inside. As an aside, however, my move here has caused me major life stress including a job loss, which has just sent me over the top on top of everything else.

I've been focusing on me, making friends, getting out. It's helped me but I am still checked out with him. I've told him exactly where I am but I still feel like maybe this is the wrong thing for both of us.

Thoughts? I want to come back to him but only if it is the right thing and I am just not sure it is anymore...

Thanks for reading my novel.

Comments

AlexandraL's picture

Skidsmimi, we were apart for a couple of months during the summer. I don't think I had enough time apart from him. Honestly, when we were apart it was a relief but that was because at that point he wasn't going to change. Obviously, he has.

When we started spending time together again it was slow and for a while, no physical contact.

I've thought that maybe we should take another break, maybe it is just not enough time to get perspective. I am really not ready for a relationship with anyone at this point d/t my stress over being unemployed, trying to deal/cope financially, and trying to absorb I live in a place with very little to offer me. I've made huge strides but I know it's really worn me down.

AlexandraL's picture

I have tried to let go of the past and am not really angry anymore but I am damn scared of getting involved with him because of the past. I need to feel confident in things and because he hasn't completely tied everything up yet (almost there) I can't see if I can get there. I don't know, I am just tired of feeling shitty for one reason or another. I would love a man in my life but have lived without one for many years and can do it again...

AlexandraL's picture

Thanks Naturalmom. It's not harsh at all...I already told him I can't promise I won't date...I did promise to let him know if I want to pursue something with someone else -- that is only fair, I'd want that too. I have to be honest with him.

I want to see how I feel when all his business is completed but I can't put my life on hold anymore. I am in my 40s...I don't have time to waste anymore. I am not looking for a relationship, but I am open to whatever is next for me...I haven't closed any doors.

I feel like I am talking in circles. I guess I just know he's an excellent man and I love him, but it's just not right right now...and I am not sure what to do.

AlexandraL's picture

Thank you for sage advice tiredprincess and sueu2. I think that he can actually take care of everything...but I just wonder if it is too late. I have nerves of steel and I should have said "done" long before I did. He never acted intentionally to hurt me or to ignore my needs...he just didn't have the awareness that he has now.

Unfortunately, timing is everything in relationships...maybe the most important factor. Yes sueu2, you have nailed it. I love him very much but am no longer in love with him. Yes, I think we women put so much energy into things that when we finally reach our threshold we're done, no turning back, we're just done. I have been seeing him for *maintenance*, as we do like the same things, but I can't reciprocate his feelings right now and it feels wrong and I feel guilty, which is why I posted. I wonder if this is setting me back, feels like it is. Maybe it is time to take a step back. Idk.

Anyway, thank you both for sharing your thoughts with me.

AlexandraL's picture

Thank you Fabumom. Your take on things tends to be on target, perhaps you are correct in your estimations. I guess I am not ready to let go yet but maybe it is the best thing. I feel I am getting closer to something.

What you write is inspiring and I do believe that however things work out that in the end I'll be in a wonderful place, whether with my guy, someone else, or alone. I am already in a much better place. Hugs to you!