You are here

From both sides now -- it's just not worth it

AlexandraL's picture

I have been the SM, and I am a BM. I haven't been on here in quite a while but I've been harassed and threatened lately by my exH and his wife -- long story, not worth getting into -- the fact of the matter is that one set of rules/expectations apply to my exH and his wife and another for me. I really have no respect for my exH or his choice in a wife...who would marry someone who says they don't want kids, don't want their spouse's kids around, is openly hostile to the children. What would happen if God forbid I ever died? It's very sad for my kids, as she has told one of my children exactly how she feels and has alienated my son from his father to the point where he no longer wishes to see them.

While I despise the woman, the true blame lies with my exH. I just want to say, it seems in every situation, despite how bad the BM or SM seems to be, the real blame in every effed up situation lies with the man's inability to do the "right" thing.

I've been divorced for such a long time and I feel very lonely/wish I had a partner/wonder if I'll be alone the rest of my life but I would chose being single a million times over a stepfamily situation again. I'm so glad there is no man coming between my kids and me. I'm glad there is no SD or BM in my life, no one zapping energy that could be directed in a positive direction to myself and my kids. I am glad there is no longer any drama (except my exH and his wife). The stuff I had to deal with in my step family situation was not stupid stuff like skids not cleaning up -- it was serious and related to mental health issues with BM and SD. It took my energy away from my own kids -- so glad I no longer have to deal with it.

It seems so sad that so many people are wasting so much energy complaining about inconsequential skid stuff and even more sad, that so many of us -- including me -- tried so hard to make things ok/be ok with situations that could never be ok because our partners weren't strong enough to do the right thing for us, their kids, the relationship.

I guess I'm writing this because I see step parenting from all sides now and I think it just isn't worth it. The suffering these situations cause and bitterness that comes with them is simply not worth it. Life is too precious to be so preoccupied and poisoned.

It has been very difficult being divorced and alone all these years (except the few year with my ex bf) I'm glad I've been alone with just my kids, who are now starting to launch off to college. I hope someday I meet someone and can make it work long term. As someone in their 40s, it's so difficult to meet a decent man, and I'm completely unwilling to settle, so there is a good chance I will be alone for good but again, being alone vs. being in a shit situation or the wrong relationship is so much better.

I hope this gives strength to any of you contemplating a breakup. Life is too short to be unhappy.


Onefootout's picture

I agree, blended or stepfamilies are no picnic, especially when there are mental health issues. But I will also be the first to say that living in an intact family can be absolute hell. I did that for 18 years. Couldn't wait to move out. Whether it's a stepfamily or in tact family, the success depends on the adults. If the adults can't act like adults, then whether it's a stepfamily or intact family is to me, not all that relevant. They both suck.

I have friends who live in relatively successful stepfamily situations, where their DH's for the most part insist on the kids respecting the SM. And the BM's are not crazy and controlling, they're pretty manageable. They still have problems of course, nothing's perfect. But some blended families are livable.

I've lived alone for a good part of my life, I'm now in my forties, and I'm kind of tired of living alone. I do miss the freedom, flexibility and independence, I miss that every day, but there is also something in me that keeps me from leaving and going back to that life. At my age I've tried to find a man without kids, but they were not good quality men, one was even abusive. The selection of men is a little better if you're willing to date a man with kids.

I have my limits. I won't date a an with young kids, or too many kids. Right now, I've got one teenager who wants to leave the state for college. Right now, we are both alienated from each other, but we try to live with it. He will never like me, I'm not that bad, I'm not perfect either. He's got issues, but he's so lazy that he doesn't have the motivation to plot against me like some of the crazy SDs on this site. So that's a blessing I guess.

But I'm glad you posted, good post. Thanks.

boogeymom's picture

I guess the kind of guy who marries a woman who doesn't want kids is my DH. I've never wanted kids of my own, but I made the mistake of thinking having stepkids would be okay since they're not around all the time. And it is long as they're not in my house. It's not that I don't like kids, I'm a teacher and behavioral therapist, I just don't want them in my house 24/7. I tried really hard in the beginning with his kids, but ultimately I was worn out by constantly coming up against walls from all of their bio relatives, so I gave up. I can't stand them, and though I don't go outright and say it, and I don't keep them apart or try to do the whole "them or me" thing with DH, it's pretty obvious that I do not like them. They are rude, obnoxious jerks, frankly. If God forbid something happens to my husband, I will have nothing more to do with them, I'm not gonna lie. I'll also never date another man with kids, or at least, kids who live in the house. I've never told him this, but mark my words, they will be out of my life, and I won't look back. They don't like me either, and I'm sure they wouldn't want me to stay in their lives at all when DH goes (this was proven last night when they said they wouldn't mind caring for DH and BM when they get old....but definitely made sure to leave me out, which is fine because I don't want them caring for me anyway because I don't want to have bedsores from them leaving me for days since they're so irresponsible). I'm lucky in that all I have to deal with is ADHD and ODD, and BM is really stupid and totally lost when it comes to these kids, but we're at least civil around each other enough for the skids to think we're mildly in cahoots, so they don't try to play us against each other. But really, if I could go back in time, I would definitely choose a different route and meet someone child-free like myself (though c-f guys were pretty hard to find even in my 20's when I was dating).