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New Year, Same Frustration...

Dawn-Moderator's picture

My Ss is 23 and just signed a new lease on an apartment with his girlfriend.  He graduated college last year and has a job in his field, even though it is an entry level position.  This is all great!!  I am happy for him.

However, I've complained here before that we are still paying for his car insurance, even though he hasn't even lived in our state since he graduated college last year, we still own the car and he was using our address. With this new apartment, he wants to actually get his driver's lic in the state he is living and then he needs to have his own car insurance.

Finally, Dh got on the same page as me and gave Ss an April 2019 deadline to have his own car insurance lined up. He told Ss to start looking around for insurance quotes.  It is going to be $$$ since he is a 23yr old male with a sketchy driving record and didn't take car insurance into account when moving to the neighborhood that they chose in the city.  It will be way more than our address in a small town.

Well, Dh texted Ss yesterday to find out if he has started getting quotes on car insurance.  Radio silence ensued!!  Dh asked because Ss has just made a $1500 withdrawal from his savings account to go on a European trip this year with his girlfriend.  Who, just happened to quit her job right before Christmas so she could do some traveling.  I'm guessing that that is only half of the trip cost but I'm not sure.

To top that all off, I decided to save up for a new iphone and since Ss is still using my old iphone 6, I thought I would offer him my iphone 7 and then trade in the 6.  Well, he immediately said "SURE, I'll take your iphone 7 since I just shattered the iphone 6".  Great!!  Now I'm stuck with no trade in at all.  I should have just kept my mouth shut and just traded in my phone. Grrrr

I guess since Ss has never had to buy his own phone and we are still footing the monthly bill, he is still careless with his phone.

I gave up the battle of the phone bill and am just focusing on the car insurance.

It just frustrates me that he thinks he can afford to go on this European trip and doesn't worry that he won't be able to afford his car insurance!!!

 

Comments

Aniki's picture

Dawn, did you already give him the phone? I would go ahead and use it for a trade-in.

SS and his gf are both completely irresponsible. What will they do when Daddy cuts off the insurance? I hope your DH follows through!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I can't trade in the phone without the wrath of Dh.  He has already informed me that I am being selfish because I expected the trade in. 

I thought I was being nice but I guess not.  Even though I could have gotten a much bigger trade in with my current phone.

No matter what I do, it is wrong.

notasm3's picture

No - just tell your DH to go eff himself.   Let him get mad.  What are you afraid of?  You are having to save and pinch pennies to get a new phone so the spoiled brat can travel?  Eff that.

Aniki's picture

No matter what I do, it is wrong. 

And THAT is awful. Looks like it's time to stop putting out your hand only for it to be slapped. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. Be Mrs. Polite, But Indifferent. 

notsobad's picture

My DH has had moments of anger and wrath and projecting, I understand not wanting to deal with it.

However, I think you have to. I think you have to get just as angry as he is and tell him you don't care if he thinks you are being selfish. You need to call him out on his behaviour. Let him know that the only selfish person is his son. He's the one who expects his bills to be paid and his phone to be relpaced, all while he spends his money on himself! That is selfishness.

Have a knock down, drag out, clear the air, good old fashioned fight.

It might end in a bad place but more likely is that it'll end in a good place. Nothing ever got better by maintaining the status quo.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Absolutely^^^ When my SO is doing something that infuriates me regarding skids, something I really believe is complete BS, I pick that battle. Yes it ends in an argument, but he also gets my point and many things have changed based on me standing my ground. Sometimes it’s worth the fight. 

twoviewpoints's picture

I was half trying to give the young starting out man a break and have a tiny bit of sympathy over the cost of vehicle insurance.....well, until you got to the nabbing $1,500 out of his savings to vacation in Europe. Your SS has his priorities upside down. Rent, utilities, debt and routine bills (car payments, insurance, a saved kitty for the unexpected but bound to occur blah blah). He's trying to live beyond his means.

How did you get to be the one labeled 'selfish' in all this!?!? What's selfish is his idea that his father and SM should continue to foot his insurance while to flits around Europe. 

I have no advice, just wanted to say I totally can understand your frustration. It's one thing to help out when an adult child runs into a tight spot, but to enable fly-away to vacation in Europe while someone else covers his basics is entirely a different situation. My husband would not be ok with this, so it's something I've not had to deal with. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If everything you do is wrong, then you might as well do what you want to do.

Tell SS that you had intended to use the iPhone 6 for a trade since it had been YOUR phone originally, but since you can't, you'll have to use the 7. So sorry, but that's the consequence.

Your DH is going to be an arse either way. At least take the path that costs you less money, especially since it sounds like you'll be paying for SS's car insurance while he's touring Europe this spring.

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you are letting your husband bully you. Since his son broke the iphone 6 and you cannot trade it, he does not get your iphone 7. Not really hard to comprehend.

Iamwoman's picture

I’m going to take a different stance than others. It sounds like you have a nice relationship with your SS, Dawn.

You and DH have worked together to produce a successful “launcher.” He has graduated from college at 23 and is working in his field. I see nothing wrong with helping out an adult skid who is actually working hard and achieving. Not too much, but in a manner as to wean him away from assistance altogether. It’s not like he failed school and has no job or is on drugs. He’s doing what we want all of our kids to do!

Im going to see his trip to Europe as him rewarding himself for graduating college. To take a trip to Europe on $1500 is impressive. That is a small budget for a European vacation.

DH is already preparing to take skid off auto insurance, so that will be one less bill. It sounds like your skid will make it work. DH needs to stay firm with this

As for the phone, I don’t think your DH is bullying you. I don’t know if that’s a common theme, but based on this one instance, I can see Dh’s POV. It would have been better if you told SS that you are getting a new phone and you’d like to trade an old one in, so if he gives back the iPhone6, you will give him the 7. Instead, you offered him the 7. He accepted. There were no strings attached to your offer originally, so to attach strings after the deal has been made just isn’t right. Poor choice of words? Yes. But what’s done is done. That being said, I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re being “selfish.” You’re not. You had a message in your mind that unfortunately wasn’t conveyed properly, and now, because you’re a good person, you have a strong impulse to follow through on what you said instead of what you meant.

I would explain to SS the plan you had in mind. Ask him if he has any suggestions for a phone you can trade in since he broke the iPhone6. If he can’t think of anything, then tell him “Sorry buddy, I really need a trade-in. If you can come up with an idea this week, Id love to hear it, but in a week, with no other ideas, I’m going to have to trade in the 7 that I wish I could give to you in exchange for the 6, but can’t now.”

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I should have started out with telling him that if I could use the phone he has on a trade, then he could have my iphone 7.  I unfortunately ASSumed that his phone was in good condition. 

Now, I can't go back on what I said.  I will just take a little longer and save more money for my new phone.  He will be stuck using the shattered phone until then.

However, I have learned my lesson, I think and I will NOT be offering any more phone upgrades.

Thanks.

tog redux's picture

Iamwoman, you are a much nicer person than I am! Yes, it's nice that the kid is launched and seems to be starting off a reasonable adult life. And I'm not opposed to parents helping adult kids who help themselves, my parents certainly helped me a lot.

But I'd be livid if I were called  "selfish" when I offered my SS MY phone, out of the goodness of my heart, and now had to save for a new one rather than trade my old one in because he broke his. The correct answer from DH would have been, "Sorry son, Dawn paid for the iPhone 7, so she's going to use it as a trade -in. Start saving your pennies to get your own, or get the broken one fixed."

Instead, he turned it around on her. That's not right. My guess is that SS would have totally understood.

 

Dawn-Moderator's picture

However, in this instance, because I'm the stepmother who is thought to always be against the skid(which is not true of course. I just see things more matter of factly and maybe clearer than Dh in regards to Ss.) Dh sees it as me being selfish.

I don't feel that I had selfish intent at all.

 

tog redux's picture

See, and that's just not right.  If I do anything for my skid, DH thanks me.  He expects nothing, and anything I do is appreciated.

I don't see how you could be construed as selfish when you are giving the skid a phone?

disrestep's picture

If you paid for your iPhone 7, you should be able to do whatever you want with it. If you want to trade it in, that is your right. It is not right for your DH to get on your case about it. He does what he wants with his phone I bet. New iPhones are expensive and trading up saves money.

SS is old enough to pay his own way, including a phone and car insurance. He has a job. Oh too bad if he has to save up for a trip to take at a later time and have to adult and pay for his phone and insurance.

My DH paid for YSS's insurance until he was almost 30. YSS could afford to pay for his own. DH finally kicked him off his insurance policy and told him to get his own insurance. 

If you and DH keep paying for things, SS may end up expecting handouts forever.

Best of luck with this.

SM12's picture

Of the car Into SSs name.   I’m sure SS will jump at that.  Then cancel your insurance on the car.   If it’s no longer in your name, you are no longer responsible for the car. 

And 23 is too old to be on your phone plan.   Tell your DH it’s time to cut him off.  Allowing your SS to   spend money on a trip and not paying your own bills is not teaching him responsibility or life lessons.  Your DH is Doing him a disservice.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

that he is getting Ss to pay for all of his bills gradually so he doesn't fail.  Which is fine and dandy.  He has been out of college for over a year and a half now.  I feel that if he has the money to go on that trip, it is past time to be paying for his own bills.

Dh has told Ss that we will transfer the title to the car, in fact we gave the title to Ss but we haven't signed it over yet.  However, Dh wants him to find the insurance first and would never transfer the title until that is in place.

Also, the car will need to get replated because Ss is living in a neighboring state.

I think another "problem" is that Ss's girlfriend's parents are probablly still paying for her cell phone and most likely funding this "quit your job and go travelling" phase she is going through.  So Ss just figures that is how it is.

Merry's picture

Dawn, I feel ya. My SS is 33 -- and I've been dealing with this exact scenario for 10 years longer than you have!

My SS has launched. I'm super proud of him, I really am. Gave him a great big hug when I saw him last. But getting him off our cell phone plan was a giant hassle. Finally got through that. Now we're dealing with car insurance. His car is in his own name, but the insurance is billed to us. I ask DH about it every six months or so. It's never a "good time" to make the change.

I'm all for helping adults who are working hard. But my idea of helping does not include covering normal monthly expenses with no end in sight.

Healyourslf's picture

You'd be wise to "wean" off the 20 something SS asap.  I do agree with some of the other posters that SS's withdrawal of monies for a European trip should have taken into consideration his "cost of living" expenses - which ofcourse should include the car insurance and phone/phone plan. I think too many parents prolong the weaning off by being a little too lenient. Young adults need to be responsible for prioritizing expenses or they never learn to not overextend themselves.  You don't learn how to manage money until you are held to the responsibility of paying ALL your own costs. (Albeit, some emergency situations may warrant parental assistance.)

Most of us in the "parent" group were not raised with expensive smart phones and just as expensive phone plans. Phone expenses are a basic "cost of living" expense in this day and age.  The only way SS is going to find out how to structure budget and accommodate the cost of this high-tech world is to HAVE TO PAY FOR HIS OWN EQUIPMENT AND PLAN. Suck it up SS.  And yes...that's on top of vehicle costs, apartments and every thing else in between. Wean them wisely and don't let them bleed the phone wound. 

My BD23 (just graduated college this Dec.) is in the weaning process and still on an older Iphone.  If she needs a phone, she can buy an older and/or refurbished one off Amazon or another site.  These kids DO NOT NEED THE BEST AND LATEST so do not distress over your offer to SS.  That kind of thinking propogates entitlement and there's enough entitled ***holes running around on mom and dad's buck.  

A few years ago when SD24 "wanted" (not needed) the newest Iphone, she called DH to tell him..."I can't hold all my (selfie) photos on my phone and need one with more memory."  Her phone was about a year old at the time.  DH is not tech savvy so he deemed it was necessary for her to have a new phone and was about to oblige.  I explained cloud storage would free up her memory to hold new photos to DH and he saw through her manipulation.  Ofcourse this response was not acceptable to SD. She went crying to BM. BM put her on her phone plan (she's the "good" parent) and bought her a new phone.  That was the end of SD asking DH for any phone-related bs.  

I think another "problem" is that Ss's girlfriend's parents are probablly still paying for her cell phone and most likely funding this "quit your job and go travelling" phase she is going through.  So Ss just figures that is how it is.

Just wondering how they were able to get a lease...doesn't sound like they have the income history to be approved.  Could it be the girlfriend's parents? And you're probably right about the girlfriend's influence - SS will not learn good things if he is in a relationship with a silver-spooner. BD23 has a lot of "trust-fund" friends and that makes it hard to stay on course when your pals are travelling whenever they get the whim. 

DPW's picture

Please tell me that you and your DH have the money to go whereever you want in the world, your dream vacation... becasue if you don't and SS does, then how can your DH justify this enabling any longer. SS is old enough to manage his own finances.