(UPDATE) Hello Wall
I spent a large chunk of yesterday not eating and stewing over everything that happened the night before. There were moments during the work day where I could hardly choke back the tears and keep working. I Googled “how to know when you’re ready for a divorce”. Ultimately, I don’t think we are there but it is still floating on the periphery.
DH was gone all evening at a sporting event with his father so it was just me and the littles at home. I visited my parents but never said a word about what was going on. They never picked up on it so I pretended like everything was ok. They did cheer me up a little. The evening went fine although I was physically and emotionally exhausted. The littles and I spent the rest of the evening snuggled on the couch watching Avengers: Infinity War. Bless their hearts, they went right to bed and fell asleep immediately – which is rare. I was able to watch The Handmaid’s Tale without interruption for once.
Earlier in the day I had posted on FB that I was depressed and needed chocolate to ‘keep the Dementors away’. My BFF since kindergarten showed up at my house at 9:30pm with a huge bag of candy bars and Little Debbie cakes and we talked until midnight. It was so cathartic. She’s been through similar troubles in her life so she can empathize with me. Usually she’s the kind of person to talk over you (though not in a mean way) but she did a lot of listening and it felt so good to be heard. She’s known DH for years and isn’t quick to say ‘Divorce his ass!’ but she did encourage me to be honest and tell him that the D word has been in the back of my mind…as much as it pains me to admit it.
By the time DH got home it was too late to talk about anything. I tried not to let on that I was still upset. This morning though – literally as I was getting into my car to leave for work – he comes out to the driveway and says “Are you going to be OK? I see your posts on FB. You’re making me feel like a bad husband.” What am I supposed to say to that? Not really a great time to hash things out. So I just said “I’ll be fine. It will pass. Don’t worry about it. We can talk tonight.” Then he got all huffy and walked back to his car grumbling “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Ok. Love you BYE.” Seriously? Perhaps I should have said “Don’t worry about it right now. We can talk more tonight.” So now we are both stewing. I texted him to say I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t want to talk. Just that a 5-minute conversation in the driveway before work wasn’t going to cut it.
I have no idea what the evening will hold once we are both home. The littles are spending the night at my parents because of some camping plans we have with them this weekend. I hope we can talk more tonight and make some progress – at least enough so that our camping trip won’t be an uncomfortable one. We’ve had the same conversation over and over and over. I feel like this is the one that has to be different or else it’s a deal breaker. I’m so nervous. I don’t know how to communicate any differently that something HAS to change. Most of all, I’m afraid that he is never going to change. I’m afraid of what that means for the future.