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Cue the Holiday Anxiety

blessedwithstress's picture

BM messaged me today with a proposed Christmas holiday schedule. Actually, she messaged me to say she would be sending a proposed holiday schedule. Translation: she's sending us a copy of the only schedule she will accept without turning into a flaming c*nt. And of course she only sends it to me. Not DH. No, apparently I'm supposed to be the messanger. 

Cue a mini anxiety attack. Pounding heart. Shaky hands. Headache growing at the base of my skull. Something like adrenaline radiating in my chest. Fun stuff.

Any time she wants to change the schedule she always sends the proposals to me. And inevitably they ALWAYS work out in her favor although she insists (through some cracked out logic) that it is totally fair to both of us. Yup. Uh huh. So I usually show the schedule to DH, explain what is wrong with it and offer him a counter proposal, which he usually doesn't bother to tell BM. He just gives in to her ridiculous demands then mopes about getting cheated out of his days with the skids.

This infuriates me for two reasons.

1) He rolls over and plays dead no matter how unfair the situation is. I'm guessing he thinks it is because he thinks whatever SHE wants is what the skids want so of course he has to give them what THEY want. Then I have to deal with Sir Mopes-a-Lot until he gets over it.

2) When I get indignant on his behalf, he makes it sound like I'm the bad guy for trying to stand up for HIS rights. Excuse me, what? How does that make me the bad guy?!

I can't make him stand up for himself. It's a waste of time and energy to get angry on his behalf, I know. But he's still my husband and I can't help it if my first instinct is to fight for his happiness. 


CompletelyPuzzled's picture

"I am sorry, BM.  You must have messaged me by mistake.  Please send the proposed schedule to DH."

If it is causing you so much anxiety, step out of it and let your DH handle it.  Then make your own plans.  If they don't fit with the custody schedule, that is DH's problem.  I wouldn't cater to a man who doesn't take my concerns into consideration and just rolls over for BM.

advice.only2's picture

If he won't fight for his own happiness why should you? I would forward it to him no comments and let him deal with it, no comments. The first time he moped or pouted I would come down on his whiny a$$ that unless and until he is willing to stand up and do something you don't want to hear a peep out of his mouth because HE AGREED TO THIS!

Siemprematahari's picture

Stick to the court order and BM can "propose" all she wants but it's not going to happen and if H bends to her demands he's going to be in some serious sh!t. So hopefully for you your H acts accordingly and lets her know that they are sticking to the CO and there are no proposals, no ifs, ands, or buts.

If he goes with her wishes, disengage and plan your own thing. It's obvious her wants and needs supersedes yours if he bends.

ESMOD's picture

If there is a CO schedule.. I would simply send her back a message. "thanks for the suggestion.. but we are sticking to the CO this year."

like.. "isn't this cute? you think you can twist it.. but we will just take door number one..."

CLove's picture

This has been happening to us too. Any time Toic Troll wants to change the schedule, she can without question. CO is a suggestion only. Keep kid out of school for whatever, she can do that anytime with no argument from DH. Hes just letting her dictate to him ALL the time, and after 5.5 years its driving me suddenly nuts. I guess it always drove me nuts, Im just becoming more vocal as I get more time into it.

Thumper's picture

How about this: HEY BM....

The children will be with you the entire Christmas/New Year vacation. K?


OP...plan on a early Christmas the weekend DH has them 'before" Christmas.



Aniki-Moderator's picture

OP, why on earth do you allow BM to contact you?? To be perfectly blunt, SCREW THAT.

Reply to BM with the following... 
Your message to <insert phone number or email address here> has been blocked.


With this type of BM, your DH is foolish to do anything other than stick to the CO like a fly to flypaper. NO deviations. NO exceptions. Period. Dot. 

If he's going to allow BM to dictate to him, maybe you should make your own plans for an enjoyable Christmas.

Just J's picture

BM never had my phone number. She had no business having my phone number. Your DH can be a pushover all by himself, stop being their go between. Tell him to handle his own kids and his ex and you don't want to hear shit about it.

Cover1W's picture

Memories....I gave up this game several years ago.  I don't get involved in any scheduling unless it will specifically effect me or my schedule.  Holidays, extra days due to events, no concern of mine.  I never had a say and DH never took my advice and then yes, complained one or the other SD wasn't there or BM had them more...then it's on him.  Never me.

blessedwithstress's picture

I don't get involved in any scheduling unless it will specifically effect me or my schedule.

This is the only reason that I care at all. I usually take time off between Christmas and New Year to be with my littles. If the skids are going to be around putting kinks in our plans, I need to know. 

On a side note, the schedule BM proposed actually works in our favor for once. *gasp* 

Cover1W's picture

That's good - but don't count on it staying that way!

Plan for you and yours alone.  Just because one of the SDs may be at our home over Xmas doesn't mean I change my plans (but for making cookies on a weekend I am ALONE - no skids allowed in my cookie making extravaganza) for what I want to do.  If DH wants to do something then he makes the plans.  If he wants me to join them he needs to ask, not give me a directive.  And if I want to go I will, but no obligation.

I am not a holiday person, but for the cookies, and I don't get into all the stuff around it.