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When is it not my problem?

blessedwithstress's picture

SS16 has Instagram account.

SS16 has another Instagram account. 

BM knows about both and says one is just for posting stupid memes.

SS16 allows parents to follow both accounts.

Suddenly I discover that I can no longer follow the second Instagram account. I know it has been updated recently because the profile pic is one from New Years Eve. This account also has double the posts of the other account. Sent a Follow request about a week ago. No response. I suspect SS16 is posting stuff that he doesn't want us to see and I have some theories as to what it might be. His BM follows the account and I know she is the type that would not raise a fuss about the type of stuff I suspect. 

So, at what point do I throw my hands up and say "I don't give a sh**!" My skids and I generally get along well, albiet at more of a distance as they progress into teenagerism. But they're showing signs of some behavior that will need to be addressed lest it should blow up in their (and our) face. My DH and his ex come from families that would gladly hand over birth control and a pack of Bud Light and say 'Have fun' with a smile on their face. I come from an old-fashioned upbringing where you were expected to be chaste until marriage and save the wild-oat-sowing for college. I followed the rules and have absolutely ZERO regrets. But I'm afraid for my skids. BM and DH are far too permissive and very blasé about the potential consequences. I would rather take a preventive stance than have to tell these skids "I told you so". 

Does anyone else care enough about their skids to worry?


tog redux's picture

You can't care more than the parents - it won't work. He will do what he wants to do if neither of them care to set limits.  Let it go - set boundaries when needed (ie, we aren't taking care of any legal issues or babies, and he's not living in our basement when he's an adult). 

ESMOD's picture

You cannot care more than the Bio Parent does.  Unless your DH has asked you to monitor his child's social media activity, you need to let it go.  While his parents may not handle things the way YOU would prefer.. this is their child and in the end, their call on how to parent them.

It becomes your business when it impacts you directly.. or is likely to have a direct impact on you.  I don't believe the social media stuff rises to that level.. though it may be unwise.. you can't control what he posts.. nor should you really.. it's not your place to set boundaries for their son.

blessedwithstress's picture

I don't have any desire to try to control what he posts but I do have a problem if he's trying to be a sneaky little sh*t, especially considering some of his past transgressions. This could be heading trouble off at the pass or it could be nothing.

ESMOD's picture

To be honest, your SS doesn't need to include you on his social media.  If his parents are on it.. that is who he should be answering to.  that is who should be parenting him and who should be setting rules for him.

If both of his parents are being permissive then I don't see how YOU knowing what he is doing is going to make any difference anyway.  So you go and tell them what they can already see for themselves.. and..???

If this bothers you so much.. ASK the little devil why you aren't friends with him any more on social media... make him explain himself.

In the end, at 16 yo.. he is likely going to do what he wants in spite of how much hand wringing you might do.  His parents aren't concerned.. you need to figure out how to not be concerned.

advice.only2's picture

Is your SO blocked from SS second account? If not then don't worry about it, as long as SS's parent's are okay with what he is doing, there really isn't much for you to do. Other than have a nice big fat "I told you so!" ready when their permissive parenting blows up.

Also how are you supposed to be chaste until marriage yet sow your wild oats in college?

blessedwithstress's picture

Sowing wild oats did not include sex for me. It was all drinking and smoking and staying up late. Not very wild by today's standards. Maybe if I was Amish LOL.

Cover1W's picture

From the moment OSD got her first computer/laptop (a cheap one at least) at age 11, DH had zero parental controls.  I tried talking with him about it many times but he thought it was too "big brother-ish" to do to her.  At age 11. He didn't distinguish between adult/child.  So I ignored it ALL. Ignored it when she was on it all day, when she had bad email exchanges with her friends, when she got her first cell phone, when she started staying up literally all night on her phone, when she had tantrums about not having her phone time during family time, etc, and never ever any oversight.

Not my problem.

I would suggest you back out of this one.  Talk with your DH first.  Let him know your thoughts, but you'll have to accept the fact that you will not be able to control this.  Neither will the parents really. If you are worried about teen pregnancy, then talk with your DH about your bottom line 'hill to die on' there - like, no babies in the house? 

And you'll have to get over your squeamishness about sex and teens, they do it. They always have, always will. Your personal beliefs do not extend to all people you know.  Let it go.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - you can't raise other people's kids the way you want. Kids have sex, make sure they know how to protect themselves. Very few people stay "chaste" until marriage nowadays. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

When is it not my problem?

From the moment SS16 got an Instagram account. Not your circus; not your monkey. If Monkey16 is posting pictures of his weezer, let his Daddy and Mommy deal with the fallout.

blessedwithstress's picture


Harry's picture

As in SS will not live with you at your home.  You will not have his GF living with you. You will not support SS.   You will not babysit or parent his kids.  At 18 you will not care what happens.  . He will be an adult, and he will take care of himself,  

Disengage totally,  not your problem, Not your circuits ,  Just make sure that DH does not support him after 18 or what CO saids, 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is not a SS problem. This is a you problem. And you'll drive yourself into an early grave overfunctioning, stressing, and trying to control things that aren't in your baliwick.

Somebody else's sixteen y.o. has a second IG account. How does this affect you? I get that not being allowed to follow is irritating, but it's also a Golden Ticket to Not My Problem Or Concern land. 

Is there something else going on in your life that has you anxious or upset? Could you be focusing on your SS as some sort of distraction from something else?



thinkthrice's picture

these kids all have a public and private IG acct including the Houseshitter (YSS17)

Isolated Gem's picture

Not your kid not your problem. Unfortunately no matter how long you've been in your skid's life, you do not share dna or custody. You just so happen to be attached to a person who has some type of custody over the kid. Start looking at the kid like a niece or nephew and you'll start to feel the stress go down. Whatever he does or doesn't do will ultimately fall on your spouse and the BM. Let go and stop wasting time to parent a kid that already has 2 parents. Just be the wonderful and "chaste" person you are and allow life to take course. Now go get some you time. 

bananaseedo's picture

Agree with all the posts above...let it go.  Also, I always chuckle when we demand 'chasteness' in teens-mainly in Christian/Evangelical circles.  Keep in mind in the times these 'rules' were written, people married as they marry in their 30's and often older. NOT applicable.