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Singing the Stepmom Blues

2Tired4Drama's picture

Saw this article on-line and realized what a great synopsis this is of SM life, and why so many of us get depressed:

"The High Incidence of Depression Among Stepmothers"

The first thing I wonder is if people would be surprised to know that research shows that stepmothers in general have “significantly greater anxiety and depression than biological mothers”? The second thing I wonder is if the general culture at large even cares, and I suspect it doesn’t. That’s a shame. Divorce rates in remarriages with kids is high, between 62-74 percent. The culture should care about the depression all these “evil” stepmothers are feeling because surely there’s a relationship between the depression and the high divorce rate.

Why would stepmothers be more depressed than mothers? After all, they knew it was a “package deal.” Never mind the double standards inherent in the culture. A mother sitting in the bleachers at her kid’s soccer game can lean over and say to the other mothers, “Ugh, I’m dreading the kids coming home for the summer. They’re going to drive me crazy with their messes, friends and constant boredom.” The other mothers will nod their heads in sympathy and agreement because they know what she’s talking about. But if one of those women is a stepmother and says the exact same thing, oh my gawd, she’s the Spawn of Satan, the Devil Incarnate and the proverbial Evil Stepmother!

The culture has maintained its ignorant and stubborn grip on the image of the evil stepmother. Only 20 percent of young adult stepchildren report even having positive feelings about their stepmothers. I say with confidence, given my decade-long work with step couples and stepmothers that the overwhelming majority of the remaining 80 percent are not evil. Many stepmothers report being depressed after years of trying to please, appease, walk on eggshells, tip toe around the ex, their partner’s and stepchildren’s feelings while often neglecting their own. If they don’t love their stepchildren “as their own”, they feel guilty and evil themselves, despite the fact that loving another human being isn’t about consent or determination. God knows they’ve tried. But when one is met with continual hostility, when one’s partner who feels torn between their children and their new partner doesn’t intervene in their children’s rude behavior, the isolation and loneliness that ensues is a prescription for a good-sized depression.

Stepmothers are left to stand in the desert scratching their heads to figure out what is wrong with them, what are they not doing right? They make cookies, go to their stepchildren’s sporting events, act as chauffeur, alter their plans, lose their privacy, lose their freedom and time with their partner, all in the attempt to make sure that they never get accused of being an evil stepmother. Most of them do these things because they actually care.

I receive their calls and emails looking for help. They think they are the only ones who are depressed, feeling trapped and that surely something must be wrong with them. I can hear the sighs of relief when they hear the assurances that they are normal and sane and definitely not reincarnated caricatures from myths and fables from days gone by. They are depressed for good reason. They’re often the lowest member on the stepfamily rung, the P.S., the annoyance, the person that everyone in the family “puts up” with and often wishes would just go away.

If you’re not a stepmother and are reading this article, I’d ask you to re-think your view of stepmothers. Given the divorce rate and the high rate of remarriage, it’s more than likely than you know one or two. Spend some time getting to know what their world is like. Take off the “evil stepmother” lenses and perhaps you’ll realize how challenging this nondescript role is.

For those of you who are stepmothers and depressed, I understand and my hope is that by reading this you’ll know you are not alone. You are in the good company of millions of stepmothers who lament, “I’ve always been so happy and confident and it’s like I’ve lost all of that. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

The good news is that there are solutions other than running to the nearest head doc and getting anti-depressants to get you through your day. Try these instead:

1. Stop with the over-caring, over-doing, wearing yourself to the bone in order to gain the approval of your stepchildren, your partner or his ex. Really, stop it right now.

2. Sit down and spend some time thinking about what you are willing to do for your stepchildren and what you’re not and don’t feel guilty about it. Your stepchildren are ultimately your partner’s responsibility.

3. Be honest with your partner. It isn’t about a personal attack on their kids. It’s about trying to figure out a role that no one seems to be able to give any kind of real definition or structure to. It’s a fly by the seat-of-your-pants experience, trial and error, give and take and everything in-between.

4. Have clear boundaries between yourself and your partner’s ex. Do not feel you have to be their friend, engage with them or like them. Basic common courtesy when you are around one another is enough.

5. Have clear boundaries between yourself and your partner. Let them know what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do and try not to be afraid of their responses. Speak from your heart and you’ll have a better chance of being heard.

6. Take time for yourself in self-care, whatever that means for you. Women (and men) in general suck at this and it shows by the number of prescription bottles in their medicine cabinets.

7. Focus on your relationship. Take the time to nurture it. Make sure that Date Night is a weekly occurrence. It’s important to model to the children the importance of couples spending time alone.

8. Find other stepmothers who will understand. Join a stepmom support group or create one yourself. Get some help from a stepfamily expert who won’t dispense first family advice to you (this is common and profoundly unhelpful).

If the general culture truly cares about marriage and family values, it would do well to listen to the voices of stepmothers. Many stepmothers are filling a void without recognition or understanding. Contrary to the expectations of their partners and the culture, they aren’t saints, Mother Teresa or Mary Poppins. They are more than likely strong loving women, albeit depressed, and the latter is what needs to go away.

Follow Mary T. Kelly, M.A. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mwbaggage

sammigirl's picture

Thank you for sharing 2Tired4Drama

The best medicine is to remind ourselves often, as Stepmothers we are more normal than the people mistreating us.

Stepmothers carry too many responsibilities; so we do need to shed a few, and do it now.

ldvilen's picture

Well, there you go, "Only 20 percent of young adult stepchildren report even having positive feelings about their stepmothers."

And, that is why we are here, because of #8: "Find other stepmothers who will understand. Join a stepmom support group or create one yourself. Get some help from a stepfamily expert who won’t dispense first family advice to you (this is common and profoundly unhelpful)."

From what I've seen on these pages, the one usually truly holding and sacrificing to hold the "first family" together is SM, and she certainly doesn't have to. High-five to ourselves!! Good to finally start to see a crack in the "it's all SM's fault" philosophy that has held true in the good ol' USA for years. Maybe, just maybe in the very near future, SM and DH will ACTUALLY be "allowed" to sit together and enjoy themselves at all family events. AND, gasp!, even be "permitted" to be in a couple of pictures together with SKs! Dare we dream?

2Tired4Drama's picture

I think that 20 percent statistic is very realistic, and it should be the headline message of this entire article.

SMs need to be fully aware of this fact BEFORE going into a relationship with someone who has kids.

Our actions and emotions should be in check at all times - knowing that no matter what we do or don't do over all the years, the skids will grow up and only 20 percent of them will have "positive" feelings towards us. Also does not bode well for a positive relationship with any future grandskids, either.

And who knows what their definition of positive is ... it could mean mere tolerance without hostility.

All in all, it's a no-win situation based on those facts.

CLove's picture

WOW. That is very very sad!!!! As someone who has studied studies, however, I tend to question the way the study was conducted, before I would actually spout the statistics. Such as, who conducted study? How old were participants, how long were they with/without step parent, etc. Id say in my own situation, the younger SD10 would say she has positive feelings for me, most of the time. The eldest SD17 I would say "who cares?"

ldvilen's picture

They used the term, "young adult stepchildren," which I would take to mean 18-24?, but I know what you mean. I've heard some say that nowadays you are not really an adult until you are 30 and you can't really judge how the SKs will "truly" feel about you until they are approx. a 30 year old adult. However, if you married DH when the SK was 10, let's say, do you just keep holding your breath and sucking it up and taking it for 20 years until they are 30!? And, at that time, just hope some sort of light bulb goes off and everything is A-ok now?

I actually think this is what makes being a step-parent most difficult--never knowing which way the tide of love or hate may flow with a step-child, and quite frankly it more than likely has little to do with you. It has much more-so to do with BM and DH. SM is not going to get the unconditional love that the bio-parent gets, that is for sure. One week you may be 100% in, and the next week 100% out. This applies to adult step-children too. This is why seasoned SMs are always telling the newbie SMs to not get too close. Sometimes this advice may seem unkind or bitter, but some of these old-time SMs have had their hearts ripped out a time or two or three, etc. and are just trying to warn others.

This is why every SM has to decide for herself if it is time to disengage, cut back, give them another chance, etc., because every SM situation will be different. I got along with my SKs, or so I thought, for about 12 years or so, and then when they became young adults, I was out. What the future holds, we'll see. I am my husband's wife first and foremost, and that is where my energy is going nowadays. My energy shouldn't be going towards convincing adult SKs that I'm likeable. Herding cats would be easier.

CLove's picture

Hmmm, I read young adult books, and that age group is more like 14-18, I think Biggrin but yes, well said, "never knowing which way the tide of love or hate may flow with a step-child, and quite frankly it more than likely has little to do with you."

Its funny, because right after a big fight I had with SD17, she went right over to moms house and told BF that I was the coolest, the best, most awesome thing ever. She has learned how to manipulate, is pathological liar, and was even caught stealing. Disengaged by then (the first day of 2017, and caught on camera at JCPenny lifting makeup supplies!) it did not even occur to me to chastise her (parents job), or punish her (again parents job), or even say a word about it (cause, you know, parents job). But I sure do appreciate watching from the sidelines.

And yes, again, to emphasize, it is a "flow" situation, because as emotions are like the tides, they never stand still.

ldvilen's picture

Wow that Young Adult age group really is all over the board. According to Wikipedia, "A young adult is generally a person in the age range of 20 to 39 (or 40)." I sure hope the Young Adult group the author referred to above wasn't age 20 to 39!? Yep, watch from the sidelines and enjoy the show!

ldvilen's picture

You are right!!--39 is young and age 50 is the new 30. Heck, if we are all supposed to make it to age 100 now, makes perfect sense.

Stray Cat Stepmom's picture

I think success largely depends on how loving and supportive your DH is, and how committed he is to having a healthy remarriage. The skids only know what they see, and take the lead from their parents. 

If the DH enters into a new relationship having taken responsibility for his mistakes in the previous relationship, he's going to be harder to manipulate and a more aware parent.

I have found myself in the middle of disagreements with the kids and ex-wife more than I can say. I resent having been put in this position. I also blame myself for falling for an emotionally crippled, emotionally unavailable man.

Is_What_It_Is's picture

I think so many people go into a second marriage and have no idea what they are getting themselves into or they believe that it will be different for them. And once you get there, it's a whole other beast within itself. You think you are the only one who is or has ever gone through the trials and drama. It has taken me YEARS, and lots of hours stalking here, to figure out much of this stuff. If only another experienced SM would have pulled me aside and told me the truth about what to expect...

I still would have married the man but would have been further ahead with the disengaging and focusing on my marriage, my own child, and myself.

Great read!

Stray Cat Stepmom's picture

Everything you said, I have experienced, now over 30 years in. It's a constant emotional roller coaster and my DH is hardly my "soft place to land." I'm constantly being told to suck it up.

There's really no way to know what you are getting into, because most stepmothers are too ashamed to share their experiences with others, and are often disbelieved or vilified when they do. I feel like I wasted my life.

The depression, anger, and fighting with my DH has taken it's toll on my mental and physical health. Christmas has become unbearable. 

I will try your suggestions--some things you suggest really speak to me.

Blessings to you!