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Bad to worse to wtf really

Biblicalunicorn's picture

i shared the problems earlier with adult stepson living at home, no responsibility, working fast food, no car, wrecked our brand new car and was never made to repair the damage, and recently, I noticed it looked even worse and he had wrecked it again. DH of course as always denied the obvious, defended him, as always, the shit just continues. 

Life is horrible lately. DH was diagnosed with a tumor near his brain that isn’t cancerous but the operation to remove in a few weeks it is potentially life threatening. He has no will and has argued with me tooth and nail how he doesn’t need one. He has the mortgage and my name isn’t on it. He told me so many lies about how I “couldn’t” take over the mortgage until finally I called myself and found out yes the hell I can he just has to will first right of refusal to me and I can apply and get my own and I have the credit and income sufficient to handle it. I have two kids in elementary school that I don’t want to lose their home if god forbid they lose their stepfather. We fought and I threatened to leave because I have paid into this house and it is where my kids live and without will, I will be battling with his kids over everyone’s 1/3 and my kids and I will  be out on the street. 

I’ve been accused of being a money grubbing whore who just wants his house and hopes he dies. I should have faith that my parents will take care of me and my kids. That I’m not telling him what to do with HIS house.


oh, and also.... he won’t will me to take over the house because he knows I won’t let his adult son continue to live his lifestyle there. 


Fuck my life. I’m so GD DONE. 


ndc's picture

And you stay with this guy why?

He could quitclaim you an interest in the house tomorrow and it would be done.  It's not a matter of being on the mortgage (whoever owns the property is subject to the mortgage), it's a matter of being on the deed.  What is his objection to making a will?  Does he want his 4 kids and you fighting and clawing over whatever he leaves behind, rather than putting some thought into it and deciding how his estate will be distributed?  Is he a coward who doesn't want to leave anything to his wife because of how his kids might think of him?

I think he's shown you where you stand.  You're good enough to insure his kids, but not good enough to own an interest in the home you've been paying into so that you're not out on the street if something happens to him.  It is always better to have a will than have your estate pass through intestacy.  Is it possible that the tumor near his brain his affecting his logic and thought processes, or has he always been like this?

My inclination would be that if he can't take the time and have the consideration to properly deal with his affairs a couple weeks before he has serious surgery so that his WIFE is protected, I would not want to be his wife.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your name needs to be on the deed in order to own the house, not the mortgage. You don't want your name on a mortage where your name is not on the deed. You would be paying on a house that you do not own. As was said above, he could easily put you on the deed.

BethAnne's picture

OP, if you want a chance at a resolution to this that is not accepting the status quo or walking out on him just before his surgery then I suggest that you first see a therapist together to help reunify you and your husband and get over the harsh words that have been said and find a place where you can both understand each other. Then a lawyer and/or financial planner could help you two to find a compromise that would work so that all of kids (including your ss) are provided for in the event of your or your husband's death and so that you are both happy with the arrangements. I might also both draw up living wills so that you both know what your wishes are if either of you are incapacitated. 

Having said all of that it is a lot to do in a short time and a lot of really difficult ground to cover emotionally at an already emotionally fragile time so it may be a case of finding a quick solution that will do for now, hoping for the best and then if the surgery goes well working out finer details later on.  As a last resort see a lawyer on your own and discuss with them what your options are, I would keep this secret from your husband and ss. 

I know this is not useful for you op, but this is a lesson for the rest of us to sort wills etc out before we reach a crisis so that we can take time to think everything through clearly. ....that is a note pointed directly towards 2020 goal...write wills.

I hope that the surgery goes well and that wills are not needed anytime soon. 

susanm's picture

Not to sound like a complete b*tch but does he have a life insurance policy in place?  Or has he bailed on that too?

Iamwoman's picture

A man who does not make sure his wife will be taken care of when he dies is not a man at all.

He is using you.


Willow2010's picture

How long have you been married?  Was this his house before he met you?

Rags's picture

Go now, file for divorce.  Don't risk getting stuck with his insane medical bills if something goes horribly wrong.

He has told you what he thinks of you.  Believe him, move on, take care of yourself and your children.

There is nothing sacred about a house. It is just a place to live.  Since you have the income to afford one of own, go buy one for yourself and your kids and leave this man and his toxic spawn to their own devices in the home he is so worried you are out to get.

Any market growth in that home as well as any of the mortgage paid off since you married are marital assets and you get half.   Rub his nose in that fact as you move on with your life.  Don't go without getting a check for your half.

CLove's picture

I hope you are not still covering the children in your health insurance!

I hope you let him know about your wanting to GTFO.

Get your ducks in a row, and get ready to fight for your children. I dont know what legal standing you have, but your name isnt on the deed, so you might just want to get your own place and file for support.

He might be going a bit crazy because of his brain tumor, but you are being called a whore, and selfish and its been ongoing guilt trips.

Your first concern is to make a decision what to do. If you stay you will be supporting 19 yo druggie, and abusive husband. And will be responsible for husband during his medical process. with possible eviction at the end.

Weigh your options carefully and seek legal advice.