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He wants me to put all four of his kids on my health insurance

Biblicalunicorn's picture

DH and I married three months ago. I have two daughters 7 and 9 that live with us full time. He has a daughter who is 19 and sons who are 19, 17, and 13.


He was eligible for Medicaid before we got married because I have a teaching job. Now that we aren’t eligible, he wants me to put all the kids on my health insurance. It will be $600 a month before all of the out of pocket expenses for six kids that we have to just hope that the birth mothers will pay half of. 

I get that all we make goes into a common pot. And he is obligated through his divorce agreement to provide health insurance. He can’t because his work doesn’t offer it. It’s just frustrating... he has two ex-wives. One of them is married to a doctor and stays home. The other one lives with her parents and parties. The kids don’t live with us full-time and the daughter won’t have anything to do with us. I know this doesn’t matter. But I’m resentful in some ways because I feel I will be literally working to cover everyone’s health care costs. And DH didn’t ask me to do this, he flat told me I was going to and has been telling me how selfish, disrespectful, unloving, et cetera that I am for being less than completely comfortable with this whole thing. I feel like I am basically working to pay his child support. court would order me to do this. He made sure to tell me just how excited the birth mothers were that I am going to be doing this. Of course they are. 

I don’t know. It’s just overwhelming. 

susanm's picture

That is what the insurance exchange is for.  He is the one who agreed to cover the kids in his divorce agreement.  This is not your problem.  He seriously "told" you that you were going to cover his kids?  Is he going to put a gun to your head and make you fill out the paperwork?  Whoopie that his BMs are "excited."  His concern should be his wife of 3 months.  Not them.  Unless that was his reason for tying the knot with you.  In which case it can be un-tied!

Biblicalunicorn's picture

Yeah.... that’s the thing. He also told me I was going to give his drug-using adult son who does nothing with his life that lives with us practically scot free my old car as I’m getting a new one... I said no way to that. It just seems like “I’ve got a new wife so she will be responsible for all my kids and all the medical out of pocket will come straight to her” isn’t him being responsible. 

susanm's picture

Ya' think???  To be clear, that is not responsible.  That is called being a user and an opportunist.  I would keep saying "no" and find out exactly why he married me.

2nd wives club's picture

So he had a sidebar chat with his two exes about getting the kids on your insurance, before discussing it with you? F that. You may still be in the time window for an annulment. Sounds like he's using you.

nengooseus's picture

It makes perfect sense for you to add his brood to your insurance.  My plan has a flat family rate, whether you're carrying three people or twelve.  If you already carry your daughters and planned to add your "D"H, then it may not be that much in additional cost to carry the skids.

The exchanges base rates on household income, which could be an issue given your income, but given the number of people in the "family," it might actually be OK.  It's worth pricing out before you commit to putting them on your plan.

This sounds mostly like an emotional issue, though.  Your DH handled this poorly, and frankly, it sounds like you all may not have discussed some critical issues before getting married.  If you want to stay in this marriage, it might be wise to look into some couples counseling and/or individual therapy.

Biblicalunicorn's picture

You’re right... I get upset because he is always telling me what to do instead of asking me. Just like in this instance. Thank you for your insight. 

STaround's picture

To me, he and his ex's are looking for someone else to pay the bills.   I am sorry.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Ok ok even IF you've already met the family status with your kids, that does not:

1) guarantee that his will/should also be put on your insurance

2) mean he can make that decision without consulting him

3) rely on you for things he agreed to in HIS arrangements with his exes. What would he do if you weren't in the picture?? Likely have to find a job that provides insurance or pay out of pocket. So, he should be looking for another job that carries insurance ASAP and quit leaning on your to provide the big necessities to his "children" (insurance, cars, etc)

simifan's picture

2 of these "kids" are 19 and adults. There have been  problems with BMs getting access to the account and your and your childs HIPAA information. I would tell DH no. This is his problem to deal with - he needs a job with benefits.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

All that you make does not have to be combined. Just because you are married, it does not mean that you cannot have separate finances. What other costs associated with his kids are you covering?

Your DH seems to do a lot of "telling" and very little "asking." It is also wrong that he discussed the insurance issue with the BMs before talking to you about it. Are you sure this marriage is good for you and your kids?

SMoftheyr-lol's picture

Leave his ass now. Not your kids, not your responsibility...

Curious Georgetta's picture

possibilities prior to getting married?

I would not be on board with anyone "telling me"what to do about anything. If you husband pays the 600, how are you in any way damaged?  With most insurance plans, if you are already pay for dependent coverage for your 2 kids the rates do not usually increase for additional children. In most instances,your only increase would be for the addition of a spouse moving you to family coverage. If he gives you the money, you are not out of anything, and you have done a good deed for your spouse.

If his income is such that he cannot afford the 600, then it does not make sense for you to take on the debt..



twoviewpoints's picture

The two 19yr olds have aged out of CO....he can't be forced to cover these two at all.

Leaving the 13 and 17 year olds. Was there not any thought put into 'what happens if we tie the knot' If he and all his kids were on Medicaid and it was going to be based on his peanut  income, why go running down the aisle? Don't hold your breath waiting for either of the BMs,let alone Big Daddy to pay one dime toward out of pocket...' there's a reason BMs were both very ex Dr tied, ya know.

still learning's picture

The two 19yr olds have aged out of CO....he can't be forced to cover these two at all.

Depends on the state and their schooling status. My ex has to provide insurance for our kids until they're 23 if they are a CAS.  

Rags's picture

He "told" you that you had to put his 4 children by two baby mamas on your insurance?

You have been married 3mos.  Get an annulment and save yourself and your own children.

ndc's picture

How much does it cost you to add his 4 kids?  I know on the policy I'm on, it's the same price for the family plan whether you cover 1 child or 20.  I know some policies aren't like that.

I would ask for reimbursement for the additional amount for his kids, if any, and let him know that if you don't receive the reimbursement each month on a timely basis, you'll drop the kids from the policy. I'm assuming you have separate finances - if not, since there are signs this guy could be a user, I'd separate them and would not pay anything for his kids.

I would also let him know that he doesn't give you orders about things like this. He asks, and you decide. You have NO obligations with respect to his kids.

tog redux's picture

I agree with you for once - it's not her job to insure his kids, regardless of what it costs, and there can be other issues that come from it - as seen on these boards.  BMs that take the kids for unnecessary care and they have to pay the co-pay, etc.

Let DH figure out how to insure them on his own - or agree to pay everything for them before he puts money into your joint account.

fedupinwa's picture

My concern here is that she can't just drop anyone from her policy until open enrollment next year or a divorce.  So if DH doesn't pay her back she will still be on the hook.

Cover1W's picture

The only way to drop someone is if they move on to someone else's plan if it's not at the OP's open enrollment period.  I dropped mine at BM's open enrollment; even though she didn't want to (I knew when hers was because she's a public employee) and she had to provide DH with the confirmation information, and DH gave that to me.  Otherwise I would have had to wait another 4-5 months with them on my plan until my open enrollment.

still learning's picture

Your DH can file a motion to have the insurance part of the agreement changed since his work does not offer it.  Though I'm wondering what in the world he does that does not offer insurance. Many companies offer benefits at 28 hours a week.  

ndc's picture

My DH works 40+ hours a week in the trades but doesn't have insurance through work now because there was a significant waiting period for benefits (he switched jobs this year). He has VA insurance, skids and bio are on state CHIP and I'm on my dad's policy, so we're all covered, but not through his work.  I know people who are given an hour less than the "benefits amount" so their company doesn't have to insure them, and I know people who can do better on the marketplace than their employer group policies. The only option my DH's employer offers is a high deductible policy with a family deductible we would have no hope of affording as it is a quarter of his gross income. Just because an employer offers coverage doesn't mean it's coverage that works for the employees. Insurance from his last employer was even worse.

tog redux's picture

This is why you don't throw all of your money into a common pot. Let him pay his share of the premiums for his kids (and all of their co-pays) out of his own pocket, not your joint funds.

Swim_Mom's picture

Are they reliable, and are the BM's reliable in paying their non-premium costs? Because the carrier of the insurance is often the one whose credit will be impacted if a bill goes to collections. Just because the per-paycheck deduction doesn't change with more kids does NOT mean this doesn't carry risk for you. It can also be hard for you or your POS husband to know what is outstanding, especially for the over 18 dependent. 

Just say no to this one.


TwelveLongYrs79's picture

You do know that this is only the beginning. Then it will be you have to help me pay CS, Pumpkin needs to go to college, Jr needs a new car...he roped you in to marriage to help fund these skids future. 

Sorry to be so harsh but from an outsiders perspective...this is what it’s looking like. 

Harry's picture

Not your problem or responsibility to give health insurance to SK. Kids have a BF and BM who are responsible for getting health insurance.  Not you.  DH needs to get another job.  How do you take a job with out health insurance, with kids ?  Not saying much for your SO 

Monkeysee's picture

Like everyone else said, you absolutely don’t have to put his kids on your insurance. They’re his kids, you aren’t a part of the CO, and him telling you you have to is a major red flag. Who gives a flying f*%k that the BM’s are excited. Of course they are, somebody else is paying for their babies. Your H is excited because he doesn’t have to pay for his own damn kids. 

Simply tell him no. Being married doesn’t mean everything has to go into one pot, and you’re never responsible for someone else’s kids like that. He can get a better job & cover them himself, and if he can’t thats his cross to bear, not yours. 

I’d be looking for lawyers asap. Drop this deadweight & focus on your girls.