The weekend--truth, misery, and where will we be going from here.
I’ll keep this as short as possible. The 1-year anniversary of my bro’s death was Sun. Me and fh went to my mom’s Sat because of his crappy kid schedule that bitchmonster flips around whenever she sees fit—and of course fh doesn’t dare change it back to suit OUR schedule. So I went down myself to my moms Sun also so she would feel supported through her grief. I was angry about fh allowing the schedule to change so he “couldn’t” come Sun—but in all honesty, if I wanted him there he could have left them unattended for a few hours…but I get sick of the stress that gives me because all day he’d be like anxious to get back to see what they’re up to and that stresses me out.
So, we’d been talking this weekend. I was angry Fri about the charity golf thing and we had a fight. We tried talking but there was a lot of anger on both sides. He can’t imagine how I could be angry but claims to respect my feelings. He couldn’t fathom that I’m upset about the bitchmonster being the center of our lives in one way or another. FH thought it was ok he goes because his dad wanted to and apparently didn’t see the connection like I did. I’m so “whatever” now it’s not funny. I said, go do your thing have fun enjoy, whatever. I’ll probably go outta town that weekend…which made him mad so I said, if you want me to have dinner there, you pick me up and bring me. So we’ll see what happens—if I’m still here.
I’ve also discovered he’s a very depressive angry person when he drinks. He had some wine Sat and was bitching about the kids having friends in the house at 9:30 at night. I said you’re the parent, parent them and send the friends home. So he bitched about 6 gazillion things but wouldn’t do anything to change them.
And then he confessed something to me that shocked and saddened me. I won’t divulge it on here but it upset me terribly and has made me think so much less of him than I already do. The problem is, I think he confessed so I wouldn’t hear it later…I think it was something he needed to do so I could forgive him. I said thank you for sharing that—it must have been very difficult for you to find the courage to say that. I accept you flaws and all. That’s what I said…what I feel inside is that what he confessed may mean that I will be leaving him very shortly. I could say that possibly it was a one-time aberration in his behavior, but I don’t want to take that chance—I’ve already seen a really ugly side to him and am not sure I want more. I know that love is about accepting someone flaws and all, but I wonder if this is a flaw I will be able to accept as not going to happen again, or if it is an indicator of other bad behaviors he’s capable of….
The other thing I learned is that bitchmonster and her family are at hockey a lot when that starts. I will be seeing not only her but her whole family all the time. How difficult is that for me to see these people who hate me—when I haven’t even done anything to them?! It’s bad enough she’s here but her family too?! How many people do I need ganging up on me???? That’s how I feel—ganged up on.
So, I’m wondering if it’s time to say goodbye to FH. He blames me for our problems because of my trauma issues from my exH. There was severe abuse in the last month or so, and I have issues now that have gotten better in therapy but fh seems to want me to be perfect—even though bitchmonster and all the life stresses stepparenting brings put heaps of stress on me that I try to deal with as best I can. Problem is, like I say, he blames me for everything and I feel bad because I know I have trauma issues but I am not a bad person and don’t deserve to be treated this way or to feel bad all the time.
FH has tried to work on our problems and has changed how we interact. The problem is at the core I feel he disrespects me and doesn’t treat me properly or understands my concerns. I think in my heart I know it’s time to leave this mess and go onto a new life—it’s hard to do though and I’m scared to be out on my own again. Plus I’ll miss him. But I know I won’t miss the stress and constantly feeling like I’m in the backseat to his exW and their kids. I deserve to be in the passenger seat—an equal partner to a man who loves me and puts me first. Your spouse is supposed to come before kids but not many of these men-with-kids can see that, consequently there are tons of unhappy stepmoms. I really don’t want to be one of them anymore.
I want to be happy.
I’m not sure if it’s even worth it to write out what I want from fh. I want to know when he contacts bm, whenever, however that is—and just keep me informed so I don’t have to find the email or texts. Isn’t that fair? Shouldn’t he do that so I feel “ok” about her? If I need that though, he just gets mad so I figure why bother to tell him what I need….
It’s getting easier every day to leave him because I don’t trust him, and I don’t like feeling sad all the time, and I don’t want to waste any more of my life going nowhere. BM will always be the boss and I will always be in the dark. I want out.
Sorry for ranting or having a pity party. I’m just really sad about things right now and need to vent.
Thanks for listening. Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated.